Nicknames

Hey guys,

Remember when I said I would post a page with the nicknames of some of the guys? Well, wait no longer. I finally decided to sit my ass down and write this, even though I have a mile high pile of homework waiting for me on my desk.



The Pittsburgh Penguins:

Evgeni Malkin: Geno, Rusky
Sergei Gonchar: Gonch
Maxime Talbot: Superstar
Jordan Staal: Staalsy, The Gronk
Kris Letang: Tangers
Matt Cooke: Cookie
Ruslan Fedetenko: Feds
Marc-Andre Fleury: Flower, Rebounds
Sidney Crosby: Sid the Kid, Bing, Sid Vicious
Tyler Kennedy: TK
Michael Rupp: Ruppy
Pascal Dupuis: Dupper

The Ottawa Senators:

Jason Spezza: Spezz, Giggles
Daniel Alfredsson: Alfie
Jonathan Cheechoo: The Cheechoo Train, Cheech
Mike Fisher: Fishy
Chris Kelly: Kells
Alex Kovalev: AK27
Anton Volchenkov: Volch, Volchy
Brian Elliott: Ernie
Jesse Winchester: The Lane Finder


The Washington Capitals:

Alex Ovechkin: Ovie, The Great Eight, Alex the Great, The Mechanic, The Russian Machine
Alexander Semin: Sasha
John Irskine: Irsky
Mike Green: Game Over
Jose Theodore: Theo
Semyon Varlamov: Semy, Varly
Ollie Kolzig: Zilla


The Chicago Blackhawks:

Jonathan Toews: Captain Serious, Tazer
Patrick Kane: Kaner, 20 Cents
Patrick Sharp: Sharpie, The Uterus Killer
Brian Campbell: Soupy, Chicken Soup


Others:

Dany Heatley: Heater, The Heat
Ryan Malone: Bugsy
Vincent Levalier: Vinny
Henrik Zetterberg: Ice Berg, Zata, Hank, Z
Steve Mason: The Wall
Martin Brodeur: Satan's Wallpaper
Don Cherry: Grapes
Tie Domi: The Albanian Assassin
Patrick Elias: St. Patrick
Jean-Sebastien Giguere: Jiggy
Dominik Hasek: The Dominator
Saku Koivu: Captain K
Nikolai Khabibulin: The Bulin Wall
Mikka Kiprusoff: Kipper
Eric Lindros: The Big E
Roberto Luongo: Bobby-Lu
Chris Osgood: The Wizard of Oz, Ozzie
Teemu Selanne: The Finnish Flash
Mats Sundin: Sudden
Tim Thomas: The Tank
Francis Bouillon: The Cube, Frank the Tank
Steve Yzerman: Stevie Wonder, Stevie-Y, The Captain


The Classics:

Jean Beliveau: Le Gros Bil
Yvan Cournoyer: The Roadrunner
Wayne Gretzky: The Great One, The Great Gretzky
Gordie Howe: Mr. Hockey
Bobby Hull: The Golden Jet
Brett Hull: The Golden Brett
Guy Lafleur: The Flower
Mario Lemieux: The Magnificent One, Super Mario
Mark Messier: Moose, The Messiah
Maurice Richard: The Rocket
Henri Richard: The Pocket Rocket
Larry Robinson: Big Bird
Luc Robitaille: Lucky Luc
Patrick Roy: Casseau, Saint Patrick



Brought to you in part by Loonie Engraved.

Disapointment.

Remember how in the last post I said Thursday was gonna be the best day ever? Well, turns out I was wrong. Turns out, Thurdays was the worst day ever. Let me walk you through it.



Pittsburgh was in Ottawa. I was driving to school in the morning when I recieved a text from my good friend Gabby who lives in Kanata. Now, here's some little inside info: The Brookstreet Hotel? The hotel to be at. The hockey teams stay there when they play in Ottawa. You know how many famous people have probably worked out in that gym? Gahhhh.



Anyways, Gabby drives by the Brookstreet hotel every single morning to go to school. And guess what she tells me in her text? That she is currently 100 meters away from Sidney Crosby. Working out. They were working out. In the gym. The Pittsburgh Penguins. She got to see them, and all I've got is a lousy text message and a feeling of insane jealousy in my belly.



And then came the news. I find out in a few hours that I have a hockey game later that night. Which, lo and behold, means I will miss both the Pittsburgh game, and Grey's Anatomy! The day was beginning to diminish, and all this happened before lunch. Lunch, just in case you were wondering, was crap as well. If you're even a tiny bit late in getting your food, then all the tables are filled and you have to sit by yourself. High school sucks.



So, as the day goes on, I decide to take a brighter outlook on life. Yeah, I'm missing the Pitt game, but hey, there are always highlights. And I can watch Grey's Anatomy on ctv.ca tomorrow. And I get to play our club's rivalry team who we tied last game, so we get a chance to redeem ourselves. The day was looking up already. Or so I thought.



I was planning on studying for my huge science test that night before my hockey game, but I got a shitload of homework and didn't even have time to start. Oh well, is what I though, because I don't even give a crap about science anyways. So I decided to focus all my attention on the game I had to play. I was feeling good; I had eaten pasta. I felt like I was going to play a great game.



Boy, was I wrong. We lost. 6-1. But not only that. I was a -4. A -4! Do you people have any idea how bad that is? My shift on the ice, they score a goal. 1-0. My second shift, their second goal. 2-0. I think to myself that I really gotta step up my play on I'm not gonna play the second period. So, I go on for my third shift, all pumped, and I play kinda good. I keep the puck out of the zone for the majority of the time, and all is going fine. Well, until the very end of my shift, when I mess up a pass and give them a breakaway. 3-0. This is when my coach finally decides to sit me, a bit to my relief. I'm benched for two shifts, and I'm thinking that this is the time the redeem myself, maybe make something happen. I'm more positive as I go back on the ice, but not for long. They score again. 4-0, and all on my watch. We finally manage to put one in the third period, but, knowing my luck, I wasnt't even on for our only goal.

So, to sum up: I did not get to see the Pens game, I did not get to see Grey's Anatomy, I played like shit in my hockey game, we lost our spot in first place, and, if that wasn't enough, the Pens lost! Against Ottawa! How bad do you have to be to lose against the Sens? Jesus.

ZOMG

Guys, big big big news!

First of all, Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night! Yay! I cannot get over my obsession for that show.

Second, and more importantly, the Pens are in town! They're playing Ottawa tomorrow night, and that means that they flew in today. Can you imagine? Geno is probably begging Gonch to drive him to Fratellis at this exact moment so he can load up on the best Spaghetti in town before the game tomorrow. Jordan Staal is probably planning a sneeky date with one of the Ottawian puckbunnies that he has on speed dial in case of emergency. Because it's true, all hockey players do cheat. Even if they're in love. Kris is probably beginning his pre-game day ritual by combing his gorgeous Sex Hair exactly 100 times. Soon he will remember that he can no longer do that, because he chopped it all off and there is nothing left. But I'm not bitter. Sid is probably sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hotel room repetedly chanting his always faithful maintra: "I am The Next One. Mario will always have my back. I will not cry at the game tomorrow. Colby still thinks of me as much as I think of him. I will show absolutely no emotion in any of my interviews. Ovechkin is a loser. I will not cry at the game tomorrow." And Max...well, Max is probably crying over the fact that he still can't play and filling the empty hole where hockey usually is by banging every chick in town.

On a happier note, tomorrow is also Patrick Kane's birthday! Happy 21st, Pat! Underdog Obsessed will buy you a beer for me, since I will be kind of busy that night watching Pittsburgh kick Ottawa's loser asses.

Oh, and one more thing. Siddo hoisted the Olympic Flame today. Well, he ran, while hoisting it. It was pretty epical. We were all really excited for him. All the videos were pretty crappy, so I didn't wanna disgrace the dignity of this blog by putting them up here, but you're welcome to go on youtube and search for them yourself. I'd turn your volume on low; the sirens are crazy loud.

Thursday is gonna be a big day.

Jason Spezza Goals

Sorry I haven't posted in a while; there have been some things going on.

Jason scored his very first goal of the season a few days back, it was a pretty nice one too. Top corner, less than a minute left in over-time. Good timing, Jay. Also, good timing on your second goal tonight. The shootout winner, stuffed in just beside the pad, off the post, off the goalie's butt and in. Not too pretty, but still a goal.

I think Clouston should stop letting Alfie take the shootouts. Every year Alfie takes them. I can't remember the last time he scored a shootout goal. It makes me sad when I see him skating up after Kovalev scores his goals. That's what Kovalev is handy for. He always scores in shootouts. Spezz usually comes third. He's about 50/50. I think Ryan Shannon should shoot. He's really, really good. He can skate down the length of the ice in about three strides.

I kind of have mixed feelings about when Spezz has a good game. Of course, I want him to play well, I love him, so, naturally, that's how I feel. But I can't help but think that whenever he has a good game, he's gonna get laid. Stupid Jen Snell, messing with my mind. She's probably shagging him right now. See what this is doing to me? Sometimes I wish he would just dump her already. Wait, did I say sometimes? ALWAYS.

Irony

Remember my post from a while ago called Injured Reserve? I talked about all of my favorite players who all of a sudden have simultaneously become injured. I raved on and on, and at the end, I said that if this keeps up, soon Ovie and Sid will get hurt. Well, guess what? Ovechkin is hurt now. Yeah, I know. I jinked it. I'm sorry. Not that any of you like him at all. No one around here seems to like Ovie. I don't understand this. He is one of the greatest hockey players of all time. Yeah, maybe he's a bit cocky, and maybe his goal celebrations are a bit over-the-top, but he's good! Just look at the goddamn stats! And you can't blame him for loving the game, that's just the only way he knows how to show it. I don't know about you, but I could use a little more enthusiasm from our hockey players nowadays. I'm not saying it's getting boring, but they could at least spice things up a bit. The fist pump is getting a little old.

Rememberance

Haha, remember Mike Commodore? Wow it's been a while.

Just Me Thinking

I was thinking about making a post about nicknames. You wouldn't believe some of the things these guys come up with. Did you know the Hawks named Patrick Sharp "Uterus Killer"? That's really funny. Also, I might do a beauty pageant...I'm trying to think of what team to do, I might even do Baby Canada 2009, because someone won't just do it themselves...

Just a heads up. If you have any other ideas or things that you want me to do, don't hesitate to tell me. Comments are appreciated!

Injured Reserve

If the injured player percentage continues spiralling down at this rate, there won't be any players left by the end of next week. It all began with poor Maxime, who had a shoulder surgery during the summer and wasn't expected to be back for four to five months. That was...three or four months ago, so not long left to wait!

Then Adam Burish got injured during one of the pre-season games, and won't be back playing for a while. That was pretty sad. I got over it. But then, low and behold, Sergei Gonchar. A broken foot. Out.

Not long after, Johnny Toews gets caught with his head down, and gets slammed in the middle of the ice. I almost cried when that happened; he went down right away, spun a bit, got up, took a few measly steps, and fell over again. I could tell he was embarrassed; he went straight to the bench. It was kind of funny though, on the bench they kept the camera on him, and his teammates and coaches kept coming up to him askin gif he as okay. There was no sound, but you could read their lips. After the first few, Jon was like, "Yeah, I'm fine," but then the more they came and came and came, he was all like, "I'M FINE, OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Yeah, I know. I laughed.

So, Tazer is out with a concussion or something. And then Spezz leaks out that he might sit a game or two because of "bumps and bruises", in his own words. He never ended up skipping any, until last night against Tampa Bay, where he said to be out with a back problem. The Sens didn't do too well without him, I'll tell you that. I hope he comes back soon.

Well, I thought that was enough injuries of my favorite players, don't you? Guess the Hockey Gods didn't think so. They decided, "Oh, Sergei Gonchar seems lonely, all injured by himself. Let's give him a Russian to keep him company!" So they decide to take my Geno. *tear*

If this keeps up, soon Sid and Ovie'll get hurt too, and then what'll those commentators talk about all game long?

Guess The Face!

We're starting a new segment here on Loonie Engraved, called Guess The Face! The rules are pretty self-explanitory; you'll be shown a part of a face, and you'll have to guess which hockey player it belongs to. On today's game, we will be playing with eyes, a fairly important factor on the beauty scale. Just look at the picture, write down your answer, and then scroll down to find out who it belongs to. Ready to play?

Set of eyes#1

Set of eyes #2

Set of eyes #3

Set of eyes #4

Set of eyes #5

Set of eyes #6

Now, SCROLL!

SCROLL

SCROLL

SCROLL

SCROLL

SCROLL

SCROLL

Answers:

#1: Alexander Ovechkin // Washington Capitals

#2: Sidney Crosby // Pittsburgh Penguins

#3: John Tavares // New York Islanders

#4: Kristopher Letang // Pittsburgh Penguins

#5: Jason Spezza // Ottawa Senators

#6: Patrick Kane // Chicago Blackhawks

Give yourself a score from 0 to 6.

If you got:

0-1: You know not much at all about the various hockey players of the NHL. In order to further your much needed knowledge, you should continue reading this blog.

2-4: You know a fair bit about the various hockey players of the NHL. Still, you have yet to learn some very important things, and should therefore continue reading this blog.

5-6: You are completely 100% obsessed with the various hockey players of the NHL. You love hockey more than almost anything in the world, and will find that your hockey info needs will be filled to capacity here. You should definitely continue reading this blog.

Happy Birthday E Staal!

And for the third brotherhood birthday of this blog, I present to you (drumroll, please).... Mr. Eric Staal! A married man, E has just today turned 25 years old, and is beginning his first year of parenthood! Funnily enough, many of E's most favorite celebrations just happen to be centered around the same time in the year: his anniversary, which takes place on August 3rd, which just happens to be two days before my birthday, his brother Jordan's birthday, on September 10th, his just-over-a-month-old son's birthday, on September 22nd, his own birthday, today, and finally, Halloween. Oh, how those hockey players love to dress up.

Yeah. Anyway, not the point of this post. The point of this post is to wish Eric Staal the very best on his birthday. Dude, you're halfway to fifty. Enjoy this year. If you get one more puck in the ear, you won't even live to see your next one. Please don't die. We all love you too much.

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me, or are my posts just getting worse and worse?

Freakishly Alike Looking

Why am I the only one on the face of the earth who thinks Tyler Myers, Steven Mason and Trevor Boris look extremely alike? Why can't anyone see it???

I Miss Colby

I had an average day today. Nothing was different from any other day, I went about my business like always. But for some reason, the moment I sat down at my desk to watch videos of Sidney Crosby laughing on youtube do my homework completely and thouroughly like the model student I am, I got this amazingly horrible ache in my stomach. And I realized I missed Colby Armstrong. So much. He's be gone for so long, and I thought I was over it, but it turns out, I'm not. Not even close. He belongs in Pittsburgh. Atlanta doesn't appreciate his individuality. I still have faith that he'll return home, though. Every day I'm wishing he'll come back. And he will. He will.
But, until then, to commemorate this moment of missing Colby, I've devised this picture ceremony for him. Listen to this song while you're looking at it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0Vw35hAQH8

Enjoy.

Thank you for watching.

I put that last picture there because Ryan Malone always makes me laugh. Colby is the one in the yellow shirt.

The Sens Lost. Again.

The Sens lost again. Ahh, geez. At least it went into shootouts this time. That was cool. You know, I expected Kovalev to score. He has the nicest hands, he should be about to deek around any goalie no problem. But instead, tonight, he chose to shoot at the net from about ten feet away and go wide. Nice thinking, Alexei. KIDDING. I love you. You are a true Habitant. You will return there someday and finish your career there. I know you will. You said so yourself. Haha, you know what would be funny? If the Habs never got him back, and he kept playing until he was like 60, and they'd all be like, "Hey, AK27, why havent you retired yet?" And he'll be all like, "I shall only retire once I have fulfilled my destiny of ending my career with Montreal. Yes, that's right, my destiny. I made it for myself. What are you talking about, of course you can do that. Stupid non-believers. " Yeah, that's what he'll say. And then he'll die playing for some shit team like the Kings who will only take him because they can't afford to get anyone else.

Anyway, I tend to get distracted easily. I was talking about the shootout. Alfie shot second. He did almost the exact same thing as Kovalev did, cept his didn't go wide. He went off the pad. His shot was pretty dang awful, too. It was a wrister, and yet it did not fly. Wierd, eh? At least Kovalev's was off the ice a tad.

Spezza shot third. Yay! That's as peppy as I can be for the moment, after seeing what a crap shot he did. It wasn't even a shot, he just stickhandled and stickhandled and stickhandled in front of the net slowly inching forward, and then gave it to the goalie. He was like, "Here buddy, have a puck. Oh no, you stay put, I'll just give it to you. Here, right up on your pad, there you go. Good job, man. Good game tonight."

I can't believe Boston caught up. It was 3-1 for Christ's sake! Sorry to any um...religious people out there who I may have offended with that. I'm an Athiast, just letting you know. I think God is bullshit, along with evolution. Stupid scientists whoever thought up that load of crap. Okay, if I hadn't offended any one already, that probably shoulda done it. Please keep reading my blog. I'll be nicer, I promise.

Uhm, I'd just like to have a short bragging session right now, if that's okay. Actually no, it's more like complaining. See, my hockey team, we sell wreaths and leaf bags and shit like that and we go door to door asking for contributions to our hockey assciation. Yeah, I know, but how else are we supposed to lose every single game all season wearing welfare jerseys? That take time. Anyway, this girl on my team, Laura, she lives in the same neighbourhood as Jay Spezz. I know. I remind her how jealous I am of her every day. Apparently she sees Jenny Snell walking around her street all the time. Apparently she's really short. I believe that. She's also apparently really pretty. I do not believe that. Anyways, Laura's gone to his house a couple times, you know, fundraisers and such, trickertreating, ect. But Smelly Snelly always answers the door. You know, to let JayJay avoid the paparatzi and all. But today, Laura goes up to the door and knocks, expecting to find nothing more than that blond slut showing up in her face, when guess who opens the door? Yeah, I know. Spezz did. He opens it and he'll like, "Yes?" And then Laura's voice goes all high and squeaky and she'll like, "Hi, we're from the Ottawa Girls Hockey Association and we were wondering if you'd like to make a donation-" and before she can even finish, Spezz is like, "Ottawa? Yay! One sec," and he dissapears into that multi-million dollar house of his. Yeah, I'm not even lying right now, he did say yay. Totally hot. Yeah, and while he's gone, my friend Hannan turn to Laura and says "Oh my fucking God!" right before he shows up around the corner. They don't know if he heard. Anyway, he comes back with a ten dollar bill, and gives it to them. A ten dollar bill! You know how much money he makes in a year? He makes millions a season, and all he can think to give poor cute like 14 year old hockey players in ten measly dollars? If I had been there, I would have given him a look. A look he woulda remembered for a while, let me tell you. Anyway, he gives them the money and then they're all just standing there, and he's looking down at them expectantly. It last for about ten seconds before my other friend Aisha finally asks for an autograph. The moment the words leave her lips, he's got a pen in hand and at the ready. Apparently he keeps a pen behind the door at all times, in case of immergency autograph signings. I think that's pretty smart, you know, thinking ahead. I like that in a man. It also shows arrogance, like he expects that everyone who shows up at his door is gonna ask for an autograph. Which they are, but it's cocky to assume so. Anyway, Spezz tries to signing her team jersey, but the pen doesn't work! So he'll all like, "Oh, sorry, I'll just go get another one," and he spends twenty minutes running around the house looking for a fucking pen. And they're just standing there in the doorway, looking at each other with smiles that say, "I am mildly content and mildly amused right now." Yeah, you know that look. Anyway, after 20 minutes he comes back all out of breath with a pen and signs around, and then they say thank you and he closes the door and and they leave. And then they come to hockey practice and tell me all about it. Because they know I love him. And they felt like flaunting it around in my face. Because they're mean. Aisha even wore the jersay that he signed during the whole practice. I got mad, but then she told me that he was wearing a tight, white, short-sleeved shirt and that his arms looked really really great, so I forgot about my anger and spent the rest of the day dreaming about that. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic.

This Is All I Have To Say

The game. Last night. Against Nashville. Holy Fuck.

I have never seen Spezz smile so wide in my life as he did after that last goal with 1.6 seconds left on the clock. It made me jump up and down continuoulsy and point at the screen, all the while sqeeling. I was the only one in the room.

I just realized something...that first line of the post sounds a lot like I Love College. That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish they'd taped it. I danced my face off and had this one girl completely naked. Drank my drink and smoked my sssssssss, but my good friends is all I need. Pass out at three, wake up at ten, go out to eat, then do it again. Man, I love College.

Dude, love that song. Here's my remake for the game:

That Sens game last night was awfully crazy, I'm glad they taped it. Spezz worked his ass off and had the goalie spinning out of his goal-crease. Scored five goals in only one period, and these teammates are we need. Score a pretty sick goal, Leclaire let's one in, make a couple plays, then do it again. Man, I love hockey.

Oh yeah, I think I like the re-write better. Don't you?

Because I'm Leaving

I'm just putting this here because I'm going to Quebec City tomorrow, and I wanted to leave you guys with something while I'm gone. Take it home with you, chew it. Don't worry, I'll be back in four days :)

This is Eric Staal and his wife Tanya at their wedding. Look, you can almost see the speech bubble coming out of his mouth the says, "What the fuck have I gotte myself into?"

Oh, see, there it is.

Bee tee dub, those were my mad Paint skills at work. It took me litterally half an hour to make that little speech bubble, no joke. And also, what is it with these hockey player weddings and the vintage cars? I mean, we know you have money guys, you don't need to rub it in our faces. Jason Spezza had one too! His was a vintage Rolls Royce, but who's keeping track of useless little informations like that? No one. Except for me. That's why I don't have any friends. Except for you guys. You guys are my friends. Does anyone even read this thing? Because if not, I've litterally been talking to no one for the past six months. Ahh shit.

The Injured Reserve

Maxime isn't going to play. I'm torn. Completely torn. I saw on the Pens web site a few months ago and a thing that said, "Talbot Undergoes Successful Shoulder Surgery". I didn't bother reading the article because I thought, "Oh, good, he'll get to play soon." But, NO! Apparently the recovery time for undergoing shoulder surgery is four to five MONTHS. MONTHS!!!!!! Can you believe that? I'm not gonna get to see Superstar play for five months! Dude, this is gonna be the worst season ever, what with Adam Burish gone and all...shit, I hate the Hockey Gods.




I didn't mean that.

Just A Little Update

Alright, I'm sick today, and very bored, with nothing to do. So I've decided I'll update you on all the recent NHL info the I deam important enough to grace this humble blog.

• Alex Ovechkin is doing extremely well this season so far. Here's a scary thought for his opponents: Ovechkin had 56 goals last season but didn't get his third until Nov. 10. He already has gotten three in Washington's first two games this season and has had a hand in six of the 10 goals scored by the Caps in their two wins. Yeah, I know.
• Sid scored a goal in each of the Pens first two games this season, and got the clinching goal in the shootout against the Islanders on Saturday. He seems more than ready to lead his team and defend their championship.
• John Tavares, the #1 draft pick of the 2009 NHL entry draft, got a goal and an assist in his very first NHL game of his career, and got to shoot second in the shootout. Unfourtunately, his shot went wide, giving Pittsburgh the win. Nevertheless, what more can you hope for in your NHL debut?
• Martin Brodeur, the NHL's winningest regular-season goaltender played his 1,000th NHL game Saturday, and would most definitely like to forget it. Brodeur allowed five goals on 27 shots and was beaten by a couple of very stoppable shots in New Jersey's 5-2 home loss to Philadelphia. Looks like someone's getting old...I wonder if Steve Yzerman is re-considering his original plan to take the 'more experienced' goal-tenders to the Olympics. Maybe MAF has a shot after all.
• Adam Burish tore the anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee during a pre-season game against Minnesota, and will be out for six months. I don't know how I'm going to survive without seeing The Indian Burrito out on the ice every other night. He is the cheese to my macaroni. Do you know how plain macaroni is without cheese?

And Another Thing

Yesterday was also Patrick Roy's Birthday. He was one of the greatest goalies, if not the greatest goalie of all time. He played his prime years with the Montreal Canadiens, a team you and I both know I adore with all my heart. Even though they are now so small and pitiful, there was once a time when their roster held players like Maurice Richard, Jean Beliveau, Ken Dryden and Larry Robinson. Oh, those were the days. Remember them well, Patty. Remember them well.

By the by, Patrick Roy never actually played with any of those guys, but he contributed well to the Habs' success, as did they, so I just thought I'd metion them in this post. Also, a little fun fact: Mario Lemieux and Patrick were not only born on the same day, but in the same year as well! October 5th, 1965 must have been a very happy day in the hockey world.

Happy Belated, Mario

Yesterday, the whole world wished a very happy 44th birthday to Mario Lemieux! Now, I could go on and on and on and on about how great Mario is, how he holds practically the entire Pittsburgh Penguins association on his shoulders, how he was one of the greatest hockey players in history, how he housed Sidney Crosby for the first few years of his NHL career, blah, blah, blah. But I won't. Because I'm sick. I have a huge headache and a sore throat, so I'm really not in the mood to rant. So, basically this is all I'm gonna write, and I hope you already have at least the slighest idea of how important Mario Lemieux is in all of our lives, so I don't have to elaborate for you. Either way, these two pictures should just about say it all.

Happy Birthday, Mario.
You most definitely deserve your loonie.

Baby Staal! Baby Staal!

I can't believe I'm so late on this. I've been waiting for this all summer, ever since I found out that Eric knocked (nocked?) up Tanya. It is still called knocked up if they're married? Anyway, I knew he was gonna be born some time in September but I didn't know what day, and then Wikipedia posts that it happened last tuesday! And I missed it! Oh well, its six days late, but here it is.

CONGRATS! The newborn, Parker Lucas Staal, wieghed in at 7lbs 14oz, which I think is pretty decent, dont you? He'll need another 200lbs on there if he wants to live up to the expectations of the fans he'll already have by the time he's 18. Way to go Eric, you're a father, at 24 too, which is pretty damn impressive. I thought you were wayyyyyy too young to get married, even now, with a two year anniversary under your belt. I just hope you know you're leaving your wife with a hell of a job to do, it'll almost be like she's a single mother, what with you being away all the time and all. I'm sure she can handle it, I hear she's a doll. Marc, Jordan and Jared, you're uncles, men. Step up to the task, take the lead. Babysit. Burp. Change those diapers. Don't be wusses, drink the damn brest-milk. It'll take some oreos at first, but soon you'll get the hang of it. It tastes like catelope juice, just ask Sidney Crosby. He'll know that from Friends, just like I do. Oh, the joys of parenthood.

Also, Baby Staal, or Parker (geez, he could've chosen a better name, dontcha think?), you have the honnor of being born on the same day as Mark Johnson, along with many others. For those of you who haven't seen Miracle, Mark Johnson was the star of the USA team at the Olympics. He was great. I hope BStaal can live up to that.

Congratulations Staal family, and good luck. Take my best. Henry and Linda, you're too young to be grandparents.

Hehehehe

Bahahahahaha. Cracks me up every time. Tee-hee.

The Light Shines On You, Matt

I'd just like to give a special shout out the Jason Spezza's little brother, Matt. He did something very special that I think you all should know about. He actually was involved in a high-speed car chase. No, he wasn't being chased by the police, he was kind of on the other end of the whole ordeal. He and his roommate chased down a drunk sex-offender at 170 km/h for almost 20 minutes in busy, traffic-ridden streets. Here's the story. I'd just like to say I'm very proud of little Matthew, even if he had almost nothing to do with the whole chase scenario. His roommate, Ryan O'Connor, did pretty much everything; driving the car, avoiding the oncoming traffic, talking on the phone with the police for the entire time. Although, Matt did jump out of the car in the parking lot of the McDonald's to try and punch through the side window of the suspect's car. That must have taken some guts.

I bet Spezz is really proud of his brother. Or maybe he's a little jealous of the fact that someone else in his family is finally getting some spotlight for a change. This article was on the front page of the Ottawa Citizen; the last time Jay was on the front was because of his beautiful wedding. UGH. Jen Snell (or is it Spezza now?) is a gold-digging whore. She is the perfect description of a puck bunny. If you were to look up puckbunny in the dictionnary, you would find her name, along with this picture.

Look at her. Bitch. If she were ever engraved on the loonie, I would move to Vermont. Dont ask me why. Oh, and about her dress.

I shudder when I look at it. I shudder when I think about what they must have done on their honeymoon in Napa. I shudder when I think about how unhappy Spezz is gonna be for the rest of his life. Look at me, again, talking about Spezz, when I was intending to talk about his brother. Poor Matt; the shadow of his brother falls so large that it only let's in the occasional glimmer of light.

Not A Good Way To Start

Okay, the Ottawa Senators have played three games so far. Three games, three loses. It's not looking good for the team that just got rid of the circus caused by our favorite little sniper. We all gave a sigh of relief on the day Heatley got traded, and looked forward to bigger and better things. We all thought we were better off without him, but, obviously, we have some things to think about. The Sens lost two games to Florida. FLORIDA! Need I say more? And today the lost their third game to the Habs. I guess I can give them that. Montreal kicks ass. Although, it was looking pretty good for Ottawa up until the end of the second, when Maxwell tied it up at one. That goal was scored on a powerplay, courtesy of Jason Spezza. Two goals in the pre-season so far have been scored when he was in the penalty box. I blame his marriage. It's tearing him apart. I say, end it soon Spezz, before your game becomes the shits. You know, I've realized lately that no matter what I talk about, I almost always end up coming back to Jason Spezza's marriage. JENNIFER SNELL. Bleh. She irks me. If I were at the wedding, I would have stepped on her dress. I mean, did you see that thing? It looked like a freaking pelican threw up on her. Honey, there's a line between festive, and over-use of feathers. You passed that line. No, you know what, you were so far past the line, you couldn't even see the line. The line was a dot to you. I got that from FRIENDS. Greatest show of all time. And I'm not just saying that because Sidney Crosby's obsessed with it. I discovered it before he did. He copied me, not the other way around. I am wayyyyyyy more obsessed with it than he is. I can quote almost all the lines. Ask my friends. It annoys the living hell out of them. Have you noticed that I tend to ramble when I have nothing to talk about? That annoys them too. I think I know what Dane Cook means when he says there's always that on person that nobody seems to like...I think that person is me. I love Dane Cook. He makes my life. Listen to this. Twice. And then again, just to be safe. Laughing gives you abs, and trust me, you'll have an eight-pack after this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl9VxVmXAxs

And this one too. This one's also good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJvxYKoCkYQ&feature=related

Okay, this is the last one. It's better than that last one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98vZuid_744&feature=PlayList&p=6EB22455F1ADA122&index=13

Another Birthday Celebration

Well, guess what day it is today? Why, I believe it is Alexander the Great's birthday! That's right, Ovie's 24th b-day was today. A momentous occasion, if you ask me. I wonder how many hookers he ordered? 24 is a big number...he's got two years on Sid. Have you ever noticed that most hockey players' birthdays are during the summer? I swear, look it up, my hypothesis is freakishly accurate. But back to Alex. Love him. He's the greatest hockey player of all time in my opinion, and he shares the same name as me. There was this quote is the Ottawa Citizen during the playoffs when the Caps were playing the Pens and the Pens weren't doing too well. I cut it out and stuck it up on my wall. There was a huge picture of Ovechkin that came with it; that's up there too. It went like this:

"Sid is the best white wine the restaurant has to offer. Alex is a Denver Slammer."

Step aside Gretzky, the loonie is all Ovie's today.

P.S: If you haven't noticed, I kind of like it when they aren't wearing shirts.

Jason Spezza's Nerdy Laugh

Okay, you all know I love Spezz. Like, more than life. But this clip has been playing on Sportsnet nonstop over the past few days, and it made me bow my head in shame. I still love him, don't get me wrong, it'll take a lot more than this to falter my feelings for him...but your thoughts of him might be changed after you watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMxJzdVYtXY&NR=1

*tear*

Something The Cheer About

Ding-dong, the selfish son-of-a-bitch is gone. And about time, too. Dany Heatley was really getting on my last nerve. You know, he still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. Can you believe that? Dude, you almost caused an entire freaking franchise to fall to it's knees, and you still can't find fault in your actions? There can only be only explanation: Heater's got issues. Major issues.

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For

Alright, I told you guys I wasn't gonna be here on the actual day, and I just got back yesterday, so I'm writing this with a heavy heart. It would have a meant a lot more on Thursday. Well, anyway, the 10th of September was Jordan Staal's birthday. 21 years old. He can now drink in the US. That was a great day. I made sure to telepathically buy him a beer on that day, since I couldn't be with him. He is truly a great man. The best of the brothers, in my opinion. Happy belated birthday Gronk, Staalsy, J.