Confessions to the Hockey Gods

I'm not going to say I'm a fairweather fan. I will never say that. But I side with the Leafs when I see Colby. I'll admit it; I've sinned. I'll meet you at confessions to the Hockey Gods.

Toronto is Taking Over the World

Okay, I'm sorry I couldn't meld this all into one post. But I found this out about three seconds after I posted it, and I am too freaked out to add. Here's what happened: Toronto found lucky dust, or something, or they currently have a fairy godmother who is granting them three wishes and they've already used their first two. Because...ohmygod. Because they just recieved -no, stole- two of the most amazing people to ever set foot on NHL ice.


Kris Versteeg. Verbeauty. The wierdest, most amiable guy you'll ever meet in your life. Who just won the Stanley Cup with the Blackhawks. Who sang a song in front of the entire city of Chicago. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


Colby Armstrong. Our Colby. Who's heart belongs in Pittsburgh. Who married and actual decent human being. Who is not blonde. Is finally getting out of Atlanta, but is going somewhere much, much worse. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


This is the worst day of my life. They cannot go to Toronto. That is the bottom of the NHL food chain. You know what's going to happen to them there? They're going to disappear. They're going to fall off the face of this Earth because the Leafs don't have enough stamina to keep running at a pace that will force them to remain on the hockey tredmill of LIFE. They're going to die, and you'll never hear about any of them ever again.


And you know what Brian Burke said once he had added all those incredible people to his shit-face of a team? He's not done. He isn't finished. He's going to continue stealing all these wonderful men until there are none left for anybody else! This is a disaster.


Army, Verbeauty, go back. Get out. Go back to where you belong. Toronto will destroy you. Get out while you still have time! Stick together. The only way the two of you will be able to survive this is if you form an unbreakable bond of friendship. Stay together at all costs. Leave no man behind. If one goes down, you take the other one with you. This is your only chance for survival. Believe, men. You can get through this.

The Colby/Kris Memorial:





Now look at this picture and tell me you don't wanna puck your guts out for love for Colby.

Condolances

I just found out some really horrible news.
Brian Burke's son died today in a car accident.
And then the Leafs lost.
In a game they definitely should have won.
I feel really bad for Brian Burke.
Who, if you didn't know, is the Leafs GM.
Really bad.
What an awful, awful day.
Poor guy.

Wow. WTF, Mate.

Kay, Toronto and Calgary just fucking switched teams, man. They like took all their players and completely swapped them. They might as well have just traded jerseys. Wow.

Here's the deal: Toronto thinks they're all hot stuff now cause they got Jiggy and Dion. What they don't seem to realize is that Phaneuf has been almost completely off his game for a while now, and a move to another part of Canada is not gonna change that. And Giguere hasn't had much fame since he oblitereated the Sens in the Stanley Cup final in...2006/07, was it? He's not half-bad, I'll admit to that, but he ain't got what it take anymore. His time is over, I'm afraid. The Leafs also got their fair share of no-names, like Keith Aulie and Sjoatrom. If anyone knows how the fuck to pronounce that, by all means, run it by me.

They also thought it would be fun to get rid of a couple of their well-known men. Sure, throw Toskala over to Anaheim for Jiggy Giguere, no problem, we'll take it. But toss Jason Blake over there too? No way. That dude battled cancer, man. He's got guts. Guts, and strength. That's what you need on your team; someone who's fought through a disease. That's why Montreal was so stupid to let Koivu go. He had a type of power with him that one can only get from fighting through an illness that has no goddamn cure. Every team in the NHL needs one of those guys.

Calgary on the other hand, got Matt Stajan. Ah, Matty. Don't you wanna just spread him on a cracker? He's just so goddamn cute. Too bad his game's gone to shit. They also got a few other guys like Hagman and White, but really, do we even know who the hell those guys are anymore?

So, simply, to sum up this little Toronto trade adrenaline. BIG BUNCH OF SHIT FOR NOTHING. Toronto has the debth to become a great team in the future, they just need to build it up. Hopefully, this new addition and diminishment of players will have no effect on their outcome this season or the one after that. If there's one good thing that happened this trade, it's that the Leafs decided to keep Luke Schenn. That man has a god in him, I swear.

Calgary still has Cappy Canada. They'll be fine.

Ah, Jarome. You are a breath of fresh air in this bomb shelter we call the NHL.