I Haven't Quite Adapted to the Time Change

Sooooooooo. HELLO FAMILY! I was in France. Playing rugby. NBD. But anyway. I'm back now. Back to reality. And in reality I find out that

a) Ovechkin is injured due to "bumps and bruises"

b) Alfie was a scratch for the Sens vs Caps game tonight (along with Mike Green, Jason Arnott, Sergei Gonchar, Matt Carkner & others)

c) Sidney Crosby had a vigorous 45 min workout today (the longest since his concussion), of which the videos have been playing regularly on sportsnet

d) Jason Spezza is consistently balding

Three out of the four I don't like. I'll leave it up to you to decide which ones. By the way, I'm not some creeper who has like a weird fetish for old balding guys. If I had a fetish for anything, I'd say it would be necks. I really like the backs of people's necks. Don't publish that, it was embarrassing. In retrospect, I should probably have deleted it, but I'm not one to live in the past. Anyway.

These are the first things I found out about hockey the moment I stepped off the plane. I learned more interesting things after that. And more important things. Like, um, hello, Jesse Winchester likes eating steaks, listening to country music and watching the Discovery Channel. AND, he likes history. Hello soulmate. Do you hear the bells? (I also watched Hairspray today AND 17 Again, I'm like on a Zac Efron high)

Also, when you're at a Washington Capitals game in Ottawa and half the seats are empty and Ovie's a scratch and so is Green and those were the two people you brought the tickets to actually see, I found out that a certain Mr. Alexander Semin catches the eye, especially when he and Backstrom are the only ones on the team warming up without helmets on. I believe I told my dad numerous times throughout those twenty-odd minutes to "for the love of GOD look at how feathery his hair is". Not lying. I flows when he skates, and bounds likes lords a leapin' when he shoots. Love it. Sex hair? Not quite up to the standards of Tangers, but I think so.

Sick Commercial

Countdown until Sid and Ovie face off at the Winter Classic: 1 day.
Sick Commercial
YEEEAH BABAYY.

"Maybe you shouldn't drink so much on an empty stomach." ..."Maybe you should wear makeup if you're gonna act like my mother."

Pittsburgh streak is still going.
Patrick Kane is out for 3 weeks + for a lower body leg/ankle/idontreallyknow injury.
Alex Ovechkin is virtually non-existant.
My hockey pool sucks because my two best players are a) out for 3 weeks with a lower body injury or b) virtually non-existant. My father got first pick and inevitably chose Sidney Crosby. My mother, having the second pick, instead of opting for the next best player on the list, the Great Eight, chose Dany Heatley. She doesn't know who he is. She doesn't know a thing about hockey. Sad thing is, she's beating me. I'm actually the loser out of all four members of my family at the moment. I got last pick, so I gues it's only natural that I should be lagging behind. Wondering, perhaps, being fourth to pick, how I ended up with the most talented player in the league? My sister has tremendous faith in her heroes. She picked Steven Stamkos. She is currently in second place, mere inches behind my Sid the Kid lead father. And my lonely Alex Ovechkin captained fantasy hockey team is stuck in last, dwindling in the ever-present fear of retribution :) NO ONE LEAVES MY TEQUILA WORM DANGLING IN THE WIND! -Antonio Banderas

Some Sort of Video Thing the NHL is Planning

In one spot, the radio hosts ponder whether "the Penguins rebound and return to the top" as Pittsburgh captain Sidney Crosby throws a heavy medicine ball while teetering on a balance board supported only by a metal pipe. In another, Washington captain Alex Ovechkin snaps two heavy tabata ropes back and forth with extra vigor when the hosts question whether the Capitals can "be the best team in the regular season and the playoffs."

Chicago Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews performs squats as the analysts muse whether the Blackhawks have "what it takes" to "repeat as champs" when "they'll have a target on their backs every night." Buffalo Sabres goalie Ryan Miller works on his hand-eye coordination by rapidly bouncing tennis balls off a wall outdoors while the commentators ask "will these Sabres be the ones that win the Stanley Cup?" Montreal Canadiens forward Michael Cammalleri is seen flipping a huge tire on an outdoor court while the commentators ask "did the Canadiens just get hot at the right time, or are they really that good?"

OMG THESE ARE AWESOME! Brought tears to my eyes. Really did.

Sidney Crosby
Mike Camalleri
Alex Ovechkin
Ryan Miller
Look at Johnny's face in this next one, man. HOT.
Jonathan Toews

Didn't those just make you cry? Mabe I'm too emotional. They made me cry.

Thrills

Watch this video and tell me it doesn't make you fucking antsy bout the Winter Classic.

Pens/Caps Thriller

Well done, NHL. This is one good move. Pittsburgh vs. Washington for the Winter Classic is pure genius. Too bad Sergei isn't going to be there to enjoy it. Let's read up on what Maxy thinks about this whole thing, hmm?

I've got this thing on audio and in writing, so y'all can have the full experience because let me tell you, this thing is epic. This, right here, is why we love Maxime Talbot. This is why.

While the NHL season does not get underway for another two months, one of the hottest rivalries has already begun to heat up.

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Max Talbot began a war of words with Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin on Tuesday while Talbot was promoting the upcoming 2011 NHL Winter Classic between the Pens and Caps at Heinz Field on New Year's Day.

While doing a promotional interview on Pittsburgh Radio Station 105.9 The X, Talbot said that Ovechkin was a "real douche" and continued to stir the pot with more statements of how much he dislikes the two-time Hart Trophy winner.

"I just hate the guy," Talbot told The X on Tuesday. "I can't lie. Sorry. Even more so for a guy like Ovechkin. Like, seriously, okay...yeah. I don't like him."

As the radio hosts continued to egg him, Talbot admitted that he immediately disliked Ovechkin the first time he met him.

"The first time I met him, actually, when I met him off the ice," Talbot told The X. "You hear a lot of stories about a guy, but sometimes they're not true. You hear of guys who are not good guys, and you're like, 'Yeah, okay, I'll give the guy a shot.' The first time I met him, let's say he didn't give the best impression to me, so better reason to hate him even more."

Talbot also stated that he continued his hatred for the Russian sniper during a subsequent encounter.

"I was actually at the NHL Awards last summer with (Evgeni) Malkin, and we brought the Stanley Cup over there after the season," Talbot told The X. "Malkin knew Ovechkin, and introduced me to him, and the first impression wasn't great. I'm not really gonna say what happened, but I'm like, 'Ok, this guy is a real douche.' "

While Ovechkin has yet to respond, this is just the latest chapter in the immensely entertaining rivalry between two of the best teams in the NHL's Eastern Conference.

You make my life, Superstar.

SAY WHAT?! part 2

Here's another installment of SAY WHAT?!, a once used segment on Loonie Engraved. But just before we begin, there's something I'd like to say.

"I'm going to make a speech today. Some of you will like it, and some of you will not. But if there's one thing that I've learned over the past year, it's that all of you will applaud."

-Colin Laroche, 2010

*you should know that I didn't make the majority of these, you don't have to blame me*

At Ease, Soldier

To take away from the tremendous turmoil that is this evening, I've decided to inform you of three incredibly crucial things. First (and you should know I made this all on my own with the help of PAINT),



Second, yesterday was Mike Cammarelli's birthday, June 5th was Mike Fisher's birthday, June 3rd was Kevin Bieksa's birthday, June 12th is Wade Redden's birthday, June 13th is Jason Spezza's birthday (which I do not care about), June 16th is Rick Nash's birthday, June 18th is Chris Neil and Martin St-Louis' birthdays, June 20th is Joe Corvo and Antoine Vermette's birthdays (we have officially discovered the mystery to his number, somebody write this down), and June 29th is Theoren (Theo) Fleury's birthday, which confuses me because it makes me wonder if that had any affect on Marc-Andre's choice of number or if it was just a coincidence.

Third, my friend's older brother walked in on me in the washroom today.

What's meant to happen will happen tonight. If The Hockey Gods think that Chicago needs one more game, then they'll give them one more game. I am giving you my trust.

When In Doubt

Look at what I found.

What's next for this blog, you may ask? Hard to say. But I've been met with tough descisions before, and I know rather well how to handle them. The answer is quite simple, really. Here's what you do:

You go back to Pittsburgh.

Does Anyone Still Have Any Clean Underwear On?

Is. Anyone. Aware. Of. What. Just. Happened.


The Habs. The Montreal Canadiens, Habitants, Blue, Blanc et Rouge. Le vrai, 101 years.
Just beat out.
The Washington Capitals.
Just beat out.
Alex Ovechkin, the Great 8, the Russian Machine.

Does anyone remember what I've been saying ever since the playoffs began? I predicted this outcome. Don't even say I didn't.


HABS. IN. 7.


Holy fuck.

Is Anybody Listening?

Jesus, have you seen the Sedins lately? Holy crap. The Sedin-Sedin-Burrows line is killing everybody. Henrik's really trying to make a point here. Maybe we should start listening.

Ovechkin, are you listening?

Huh. Guess not.

SAY WHAT?!

I've decided to start a new segment here to celebrate the opening of our new design. It's called: "SAY WHAT?!"

I know. I totally came up with the title all by myself. So here's how it works: I take a seemingly normal picture, and then turn it into something somewhat comedic and humiliating. I've decided to use a few of my favorites at the beginning, since you know I love to make fun of them so much.

And here we go.

P-Kane and Johnny T:

Bobby-lu:

Geno Geno<3>

Scaredy-cat Ref:

The Great Eight:

Mad Maxy:

Thank you, radom slutty fan. You have granted us the gift of laughter.

Sorry honey, we are not laughing with you:

Cappy Sid Vicious:

Dumb Ref impersonating Denis from SlapShot:

Flower:

J Staal:

Montreal Misses You, Kovalev

I went to the Ottawa-Philedelphia game today...what a game.

First goal is scored by Philly right off the bat, and we're all like 'oh shit'. But then, all outta no where, Kovalev scores two goals. So does Chris Kelly, making it 4-1 Sens after the first. So, my sister and I at the game are all cheering for a shootout, right, because we were right up at the front and we wanted to someone to pull an Ovechkin and hurl their bodies at the glace after a goal. But once the Sens go up by three goals, we think all hope is lost, right?

Wrong.

Second period, Flyers throw in three extra goals, tying it up at 4. Life is good again for the people who don't give a shit about the Sens and just wanna see some good tough hockey. Because when the score is tight, that's when it's gonna get rough.

Third period. Everything's intense. Everyone's on the edge of their seats and...guess who? Alex Kovalev, throwing in another puck for his second hat-trick of the season. Unfortunately, we did not have any hats on our person, but my sister did get a special red Ottawa hat tossed her way, which she gracefully lauched on the ice. Chris Kelly tosses another one in, putting the Sens up 6-4, burrying our shoot-out dreams in the ground and buying us all a free slice of pizza. And, you know, funnily and ironically enough, they used to call the Alfredsson-Spezza-Heatley line the Pizza line, because they used to contribute a lot to all the goals that the Sens used to score, you know, before their game went to hell, and not a single member of that line was present in that game. Alfie and Spezz are injured, and Heater, as you know, is off making history with his new friends in the hot hot sun.

So, the game starts getting a little bit better. Time is running out, and there's only one thing left for Philly to do: smash Ottawa's face into the boards. Which is exactly what they tried to do, not much to any avail. There were no fights today. I have never been so dissapointed with Neil and Carkner in my entire life. Neil did not get one pernalty the entire game. Not one. And my seats were right next to the box. I was looking forward to saying hello to him.

Anyhow, Kovalev decides to put another goal in, just for fun. You know, it seems that whenever he scores, he always has to make a huge deal of it and put in two or three more just to make it seem more special. Have you ever noticed that? He has 11 goals this season, and two hat-tricks. Today he had four goals and like three million assists. AK27 was on fire.

Both starting goalies for each respective team were pulled close to the beginning of the game. Pascal Leclaire looked extremely blue sitting there on the bench. His hair was hanging over his face in beautiful brown strands. It was a sight to behold, I can tell you.

Final score: Ottawa-7, Philedelphia-4. What an upset. Chris Pronger may be a beast, but today he played like crap. He is a disgrace to the dynasty that is the 2010 Canadian Olympic Team. Why he even made it is beyond me. And Richards wasn't anything special either. I'm beginning to wonder about Stevie Yzerman's current sanity. And Kovalev should've made the Russian team. No question.

Irony

Remember my post from a while ago called Injured Reserve? I talked about all of my favorite players who all of a sudden have simultaneously become injured. I raved on and on, and at the end, I said that if this keeps up, soon Ovie and Sid will get hurt. Well, guess what? Ovechkin is hurt now. Yeah, I know. I jinked it. I'm sorry. Not that any of you like him at all. No one around here seems to like Ovie. I don't understand this. He is one of the greatest hockey players of all time. Yeah, maybe he's a bit cocky, and maybe his goal celebrations are a bit over-the-top, but he's good! Just look at the goddamn stats! And you can't blame him for loving the game, that's just the only way he knows how to show it. I don't know about you, but I could use a little more enthusiasm from our hockey players nowadays. I'm not saying it's getting boring, but they could at least spice things up a bit. The fist pump is getting a little old.

Just A Little Update

Alright, I'm sick today, and very bored, with nothing to do. So I've decided I'll update you on all the recent NHL info the I deam important enough to grace this humble blog.

• Alex Ovechkin is doing extremely well this season so far. Here's a scary thought for his opponents: Ovechkin had 56 goals last season but didn't get his third until Nov. 10. He already has gotten three in Washington's first two games this season and has had a hand in six of the 10 goals scored by the Caps in their two wins. Yeah, I know.
• Sid scored a goal in each of the Pens first two games this season, and got the clinching goal in the shootout against the Islanders on Saturday. He seems more than ready to lead his team and defend their championship.
• John Tavares, the #1 draft pick of the 2009 NHL entry draft, got a goal and an assist in his very first NHL game of his career, and got to shoot second in the shootout. Unfourtunately, his shot went wide, giving Pittsburgh the win. Nevertheless, what more can you hope for in your NHL debut?
• Martin Brodeur, the NHL's winningest regular-season goaltender played his 1,000th NHL game Saturday, and would most definitely like to forget it. Brodeur allowed five goals on 27 shots and was beaten by a couple of very stoppable shots in New Jersey's 5-2 home loss to Philadelphia. Looks like someone's getting old...I wonder if Steve Yzerman is re-considering his original plan to take the 'more experienced' goal-tenders to the Olympics. Maybe MAF has a shot after all.
• Adam Burish tore the anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee during a pre-season game against Minnesota, and will be out for six months. I don't know how I'm going to survive without seeing The Indian Burrito out on the ice every other night. He is the cheese to my macaroni. Do you know how plain macaroni is without cheese?

Another Birthday Celebration

Well, guess what day it is today? Why, I believe it is Alexander the Great's birthday! That's right, Ovie's 24th b-day was today. A momentous occasion, if you ask me. I wonder how many hookers he ordered? 24 is a big number...he's got two years on Sid. Have you ever noticed that most hockey players' birthdays are during the summer? I swear, look it up, my hypothesis is freakishly accurate. But back to Alex. Love him. He's the greatest hockey player of all time in my opinion, and he shares the same name as me. There was this quote is the Ottawa Citizen during the playoffs when the Caps were playing the Pens and the Pens weren't doing too well. I cut it out and stuck it up on my wall. There was a huge picture of Ovechkin that came with it; that's up there too. It went like this:

"Sid is the best white wine the restaurant has to offer. Alex is a Denver Slammer."

Step aside Gretzky, the loonie is all Ovie's today.

P.S: If you haven't noticed, I kind of like it when they aren't wearing shirts.