We Have An Overpopulation On This Small Small World

Today was Roberto Luongo's birthday. Happy 31st, Bobby-Lu. Jesus Christ, you are much older than I thought you were. You've only got a few years left in you. Use them well, Loooooou. Win a Stanley Cup, how about. Wait, no. Not this year. This year it's time for Washington, and then the year after that Chicago will make it's run, and then the Pens will take it again. But the year after that, kay? You can hold on that long, can't you?

Pascal Dupuis is also turning 31 on Wednesday. Remember, he's the one for Pittsburgh who has permanent mascara and waxed and perfectly plucked eyebrows? At least he takes care of himself. He's having a good year though, and he wears the Rocket's number, so we respect him. He also plays for the Pens. So we love him for that.

We also love that he has twin dogs and an extremely sculpted torso. And that he's a father, and buys super cool swingsets for his kids. And that he got a tatoo to commemorate Lord Stanley. Well done, Pascal.

Brian Elliott and Alex Ponikarovsky have their birthdays on the Friday, turning 25 and and 30 respectively. Elliot, or 'Ernie' as da Sens call him, has held Ottawa (home of the Fat Cats) on his back ever since Pascal Leclaire completely flopped his role. We will be in the playoffs thanks to him. And Ponikarovsky used to be a Maple Laugh. Now he's a Penguin. He is liked much better now.

Sean Avery (!!!) and Dion Phaneuf are celbrating the day after that. Avery is congratulated on surviving 30 years on this planet, and, more impressive yet, 10 seasons in the NHL. He is known around the league as an agitator, and a pest. He is annoying and unsportsmanlike and hated by 66.4% of all the players in the NHL, but, for some strange reason, I like him. Don't ask me why.

BUT I will say that it's funny that he has the same birthday as Dion Phaneuf (turning 25), who was one of the victims of Avery's well-known 'sloppy seconds' comment. When Sean Avery made the comment before a game against the Flames, Phaneuf's team at the time, Phaneuf was dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert. Which is cool. I like how things like this link together.

And we all remember Avery's "distraction tactic" against Brodeur. Oh, Sean. There's just something about you. I don't want to love you. And yet I do. I can't help it. I hate everything about you. But I just can't help loving you.

SERGEI GONCHAR'S BIRTHDAY IS ON APRIL 13TH. WOOOOOOOOOO. He's turning 36. Now that, if you've been paying any attention, is old. Poor Serge. I hope he doesn't get traded. His contract ends after this season, and there's been some talk about a trade. It's some sort of money thing. But the Pens just don't understand. They need him. Screw the money. He is a leader. He is wise, and experienced, and loyal, and wonderful, and amazing, and adorable. I'm sure the forwards will be fine without him, but what of the D? He is a leader amongst those men. What will become of Kris LeSwoon is Gonch leaves? He'll crash and burn, I tell you. But he won't be alone. Geno (love) will go down with him. He's not grown enough yet to handle this cruel world all on his own. Help him, Sergei. Evgeni needs you.

Aww, right? Don't destroy this love.

Wow. WTF, Mate.

Kay, Toronto and Calgary just fucking switched teams, man. They like took all their players and completely swapped them. They might as well have just traded jerseys. Wow.

Here's the deal: Toronto thinks they're all hot stuff now cause they got Jiggy and Dion. What they don't seem to realize is that Phaneuf has been almost completely off his game for a while now, and a move to another part of Canada is not gonna change that. And Giguere hasn't had much fame since he oblitereated the Sens in the Stanley Cup final in...2006/07, was it? He's not half-bad, I'll admit to that, but he ain't got what it take anymore. His time is over, I'm afraid. The Leafs also got their fair share of no-names, like Keith Aulie and Sjoatrom. If anyone knows how the fuck to pronounce that, by all means, run it by me.

They also thought it would be fun to get rid of a couple of their well-known men. Sure, throw Toskala over to Anaheim for Jiggy Giguere, no problem, we'll take it. But toss Jason Blake over there too? No way. That dude battled cancer, man. He's got guts. Guts, and strength. That's what you need on your team; someone who's fought through a disease. That's why Montreal was so stupid to let Koivu go. He had a type of power with him that one can only get from fighting through an illness that has no goddamn cure. Every team in the NHL needs one of those guys.

Calgary on the other hand, got Matt Stajan. Ah, Matty. Don't you wanna just spread him on a cracker? He's just so goddamn cute. Too bad his game's gone to shit. They also got a few other guys like Hagman and White, but really, do we even know who the hell those guys are anymore?

So, simply, to sum up this little Toronto trade adrenaline. BIG BUNCH OF SHIT FOR NOTHING. Toronto has the debth to become a great team in the future, they just need to build it up. Hopefully, this new addition and diminishment of players will have no effect on their outcome this season or the one after that. If there's one good thing that happened this trade, it's that the Leafs decided to keep Luke Schenn. That man has a god in him, I swear.

Calgary still has Cappy Canada. They'll be fine.

Ah, Jarome. You are a breath of fresh air in this bomb shelter we call the NHL.