'Atta Boy, Taytay

This whole year, everyone kept saying Tyler Seguin was going to go first. The scouts said it, the coaches said it, the announcers said it. It was always a battles between Taylor and Tyler, but somehow, Taylor Hall continuously fell short of expectations. He played for Team Canada in the World Juniors, he lead his Windsor Spitfires to win the Memorial Cup two years running, he won the Wayne Gretzy 99 Award, Eddie Powers Memorial Trophy, the Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophy and the Ed Chynoweth Trophy, all in the past two years. Did Tyler Seguin play for Baby Canada? Did Tyler Seguin win two Memorial Cups in a row? Did Tyler Seguin win all that shit-bucket of awards?

No. But somehow, all of those unbelievable achievements did not get Taylor ahead of Tyler in the running for No. 1 overall draft pick. It left him feeling pretty glum.

But Tayl0r Hall never gave up. And the Edmonton Oilers saw something in him that was obvious to the rest of us, but conspicuously hidden in the eyes of the NHL world. Taylor and Tyler both showed up at that draft. And who's name was called first?

Oh, Tay. You know you deserved this. And we know you deserved this. So suck in all this glory that you got now. And take the time to rub it in Tyler's face. Because this was your draft all along. We were here supporting you from the sidelines, and you never gave up because this was something you had worked for your entire life. Now, you get the opportunity to bring a drowning team down from the deepest depths of the standings and carry them on your back on the road to greatness. You're getting the opportunity to be Sidney Crosby. And I think you're ready.

Tyler Seguin, he doesn't get that opportunity. The Boston Bruins were in the playoffs this year. They even made it past the first round. That's not a team that needs rebuilding. Chances are, young Tyler won't even get to play next year. The Bruins are perfectly fine without him. He won't be a star. You, you Taylor Hall, will be a star. Screw Tyler. This draft will forever be know as Taylor vs. Tyler, and everyone will remember who came out on top. Five, ten years from now, people will look at this picture and say:

"Whatever happened to that other guy?"

The smile tells it all. Tyler, go cry in a hole. Leave Taylor to celebrate this moment. He deserves it more than anyone.

Here's to Our Hawks

I was waiting until all the Stanley Cup pictures came up to make this "montage", if you will. But they're finally up, so, here it is: the long overdue celebration of the amazingness that is the 2010 Chicago Blackhawks.




















And I know that these next ones aren't from the Stanley Cup win, but I just thought they were pretty attractive. Well, the first one is. Oh, Patty. *shakes head*

When There's a Way

From Bulk to...

If anyone can find a more suitable nickname for a more deserving candidate than 'Big Buff', please, let me know. Because whoever came up with Dustin Byfuglien's nickname is a genius.

So, Philedelphia will not be swept. No matter. We'll dispose of them soon enough. No panic necessary.

Check out this video. It made me cry. It's like, touching. It touches your soul.

No words.

Cross-Continental Affairs

WHAT DID I SAY? WHAT THE FUCK DAY I SAY?!

HABS. IN. 6.
WHOOT!

The best of three series starts now, ladies and gents. This'll be one for the books. For the rest of your life, you'll be able to say you saw the day the Montreal Canadiens, the last placed seed in the playoffs, beat off both the number one team in the league and the defending Stanley Cup Champions. You'll be able to say you witnessed history on that day. And you know who you'll say predicted this outcome? Yours truly over here, overjoyed with tears flowing down her cheeks. I just found out what candid means. This, is candid.

Three games remain possible in this series. The outcome: a mystery.

And to everyone who thought San Jose pulled a total "I am currently the shit" move and would sweep Detroit in four, take another look at that scoreboard. Because in the fourth game of the series, with the Wings down 3 games to none, the score currently strands 6-1. For Detroit. Who's the shit now, Sharks? Couldn't keep your legs under you long enough to take care of a team full of pot-bellied veterans, could ya now, Dany? Must've been all those affairs you've been having with the wives of all the Ottawa Senators. Cross-continental. All those flights back and forth must've really tired you out. Or maybe it was all the sex? I think your losing your touch, Douchebag.

Habs in 6.
Wings in 7.

Does Anyone Still Have Any Clean Underwear On?

Is. Anyone. Aware. Of. What. Just. Happened.


The Habs. The Montreal Canadiens, Habitants, Blue, Blanc et Rouge. Le vrai, 101 years.
Just beat out.
The Washington Capitals.
Just beat out.
Alex Ovechkin, the Great 8, the Russian Machine.

Does anyone remember what I've been saying ever since the playoffs began? I predicted this outcome. Don't even say I didn't.


HABS. IN. 7.


Holy fuck.

As If

As if Jonathan Toews scored the first goal.

As if Corey Perry got a face-full of Ryan Malone stick.

As if he came back and scored minutes later.

As if USA scored and kept it to a 1 goal lead.

As if Canada held that lead for the rest of the game.

As if it wasn't actually the whole rest of the game.

As if Parise scored with 24 seconds left.

As if they completely pulled a Jordan Eberle crunch moment.

As if they stole that from us.

As if the intermission between the third and over-time was 15 minutes long.

As if the over-time period was a full twenty minutes.

As if they had to play four-on-four for a full period.

As if they kept us holding our breath for so long.

As if we scored.
As if we scored.
As if we scored.

As if SIDNEY CROSBY was the one who put it in.

As if it wasn't even a nice goal.

As if his mouth can open that wide.

As if he threw off his helmet.

As if we tackled each other to the ground.

As if we didn't even give a shit about being sportsman-like.

As if we didn't even give a shit about the USA crying in the corner.

As if we didn't even give a shit about anyone else at that moment.

As if 22 million people were watching that moment.

As if Sidney Crosby will forever be remembered for that moment.

As if Jonathan Toews was a part of that moment.

As if Eric Staal was a part of that moment.

As if the best goalie in the history of hockey was sitting on the bench for that moment.

As if that moment actually happened.

As if this all actually happened.

As if we made history.

As if it were in Canada.

As if we won.