Baby Staal! Baby Staal!

I can't believe I'm so late on this. I've been waiting for this all summer, ever since I found out that Eric knocked (nocked?) up Tanya. It is still called knocked up if they're married? Anyway, I knew he was gonna be born some time in September but I didn't know what day, and then Wikipedia posts that it happened last tuesday! And I missed it! Oh well, its six days late, but here it is.

CONGRATS! The newborn, Parker Lucas Staal, wieghed in at 7lbs 14oz, which I think is pretty decent, dont you? He'll need another 200lbs on there if he wants to live up to the expectations of the fans he'll already have by the time he's 18. Way to go Eric, you're a father, at 24 too, which is pretty damn impressive. I thought you were wayyyyyy too young to get married, even now, with a two year anniversary under your belt. I just hope you know you're leaving your wife with a hell of a job to do, it'll almost be like she's a single mother, what with you being away all the time and all. I'm sure she can handle it, I hear she's a doll. Marc, Jordan and Jared, you're uncles, men. Step up to the task, take the lead. Babysit. Burp. Change those diapers. Don't be wusses, drink the damn brest-milk. It'll take some oreos at first, but soon you'll get the hang of it. It tastes like catelope juice, just ask Sidney Crosby. He'll know that from Friends, just like I do. Oh, the joys of parenthood.

Also, Baby Staal, or Parker (geez, he could've chosen a better name, dontcha think?), you have the honnor of being born on the same day as Mark Johnson, along with many others. For those of you who haven't seen Miracle, Mark Johnson was the star of the USA team at the Olympics. He was great. I hope BStaal can live up to that.

Congratulations Staal family, and good luck. Take my best. Henry and Linda, you're too young to be grandparents.

Hehehehe

Bahahahahaha. Cracks me up every time. Tee-hee.

The Light Shines On You, Matt

I'd just like to give a special shout out the Jason Spezza's little brother, Matt. He did something very special that I think you all should know about. He actually was involved in a high-speed car chase. No, he wasn't being chased by the police, he was kind of on the other end of the whole ordeal. He and his roommate chased down a drunk sex-offender at 170 km/h for almost 20 minutes in busy, traffic-ridden streets. Here's the story. I'd just like to say I'm very proud of little Matthew, even if he had almost nothing to do with the whole chase scenario. His roommate, Ryan O'Connor, did pretty much everything; driving the car, avoiding the oncoming traffic, talking on the phone with the police for the entire time. Although, Matt did jump out of the car in the parking lot of the McDonald's to try and punch through the side window of the suspect's car. That must have taken some guts.

I bet Spezz is really proud of his brother. Or maybe he's a little jealous of the fact that someone else in his family is finally getting some spotlight for a change. This article was on the front page of the Ottawa Citizen; the last time Jay was on the front was because of his beautiful wedding. UGH. Jen Snell (or is it Spezza now?) is a gold-digging whore. She is the perfect description of a puck bunny. If you were to look up puckbunny in the dictionnary, you would find her name, along with this picture.

Look at her. Bitch. If she were ever engraved on the loonie, I would move to Vermont. Dont ask me why. Oh, and about her dress.

I shudder when I look at it. I shudder when I think about what they must have done on their honeymoon in Napa. I shudder when I think about how unhappy Spezz is gonna be for the rest of his life. Look at me, again, talking about Spezz, when I was intending to talk about his brother. Poor Matt; the shadow of his brother falls so large that it only let's in the occasional glimmer of light.

Not A Good Way To Start

Okay, the Ottawa Senators have played three games so far. Three games, three loses. It's not looking good for the team that just got rid of the circus caused by our favorite little sniper. We all gave a sigh of relief on the day Heatley got traded, and looked forward to bigger and better things. We all thought we were better off without him, but, obviously, we have some things to think about. The Sens lost two games to Florida. FLORIDA! Need I say more? And today the lost their third game to the Habs. I guess I can give them that. Montreal kicks ass. Although, it was looking pretty good for Ottawa up until the end of the second, when Maxwell tied it up at one. That goal was scored on a powerplay, courtesy of Jason Spezza. Two goals in the pre-season so far have been scored when he was in the penalty box. I blame his marriage. It's tearing him apart. I say, end it soon Spezz, before your game becomes the shits. You know, I've realized lately that no matter what I talk about, I almost always end up coming back to Jason Spezza's marriage. JENNIFER SNELL. Bleh. She irks me. If I were at the wedding, I would have stepped on her dress. I mean, did you see that thing? It looked like a freaking pelican threw up on her. Honey, there's a line between festive, and over-use of feathers. You passed that line. No, you know what, you were so far past the line, you couldn't even see the line. The line was a dot to you. I got that from FRIENDS. Greatest show of all time. And I'm not just saying that because Sidney Crosby's obsessed with it. I discovered it before he did. He copied me, not the other way around. I am wayyyyyyy more obsessed with it than he is. I can quote almost all the lines. Ask my friends. It annoys the living hell out of them. Have you noticed that I tend to ramble when I have nothing to talk about? That annoys them too. I think I know what Dane Cook means when he says there's always that on person that nobody seems to like...I think that person is me. I love Dane Cook. He makes my life. Listen to this. Twice. And then again, just to be safe. Laughing gives you abs, and trust me, you'll have an eight-pack after this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl9VxVmXAxs

And this one too. This one's also good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJvxYKoCkYQ&feature=related

Okay, this is the last one. It's better than that last one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98vZuid_744&feature=PlayList&p=6EB22455F1ADA122&index=13

Another Birthday Celebration

Well, guess what day it is today? Why, I believe it is Alexander the Great's birthday! That's right, Ovie's 24th b-day was today. A momentous occasion, if you ask me. I wonder how many hookers he ordered? 24 is a big number...he's got two years on Sid. Have you ever noticed that most hockey players' birthdays are during the summer? I swear, look it up, my hypothesis is freakishly accurate. But back to Alex. Love him. He's the greatest hockey player of all time in my opinion, and he shares the same name as me. There was this quote is the Ottawa Citizen during the playoffs when the Caps were playing the Pens and the Pens weren't doing too well. I cut it out and stuck it up on my wall. There was a huge picture of Ovechkin that came with it; that's up there too. It went like this:

"Sid is the best white wine the restaurant has to offer. Alex is a Denver Slammer."

Step aside Gretzky, the loonie is all Ovie's today.

P.S: If you haven't noticed, I kind of like it when they aren't wearing shirts.

Jason Spezza's Nerdy Laugh

Okay, you all know I love Spezz. Like, more than life. But this clip has been playing on Sportsnet nonstop over the past few days, and it made me bow my head in shame. I still love him, don't get me wrong, it'll take a lot more than this to falter my feelings for him...but your thoughts of him might be changed after you watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMxJzdVYtXY&NR=1

*tear*

Something The Cheer About

Ding-dong, the selfish son-of-a-bitch is gone. And about time, too. Dany Heatley was really getting on my last nerve. You know, he still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. Can you believe that? Dude, you almost caused an entire freaking franchise to fall to it's knees, and you still can't find fault in your actions? There can only be only explanation: Heater's got issues. Major issues.

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For

Alright, I told you guys I wasn't gonna be here on the actual day, and I just got back yesterday, so I'm writing this with a heavy heart. It would have a meant a lot more on Thursday. Well, anyway, the 10th of September was Jordan Staal's birthday. 21 years old. He can now drink in the US. That was a great day. I made sure to telepathically buy him a beer on that day, since I couldn't be with him. He is truly a great man. The best of the brothers, in my opinion. Happy belated birthday Gronk, Staalsy, J.

Just A Little Bit Longer

Only two more days until one of the best days of my life. I won't tell you why yet, but you'll definitely hear about it on Thursday. Oh, wait, no! I'm not here on Thursday! Okay, I'll have to tell you about it tomorrow... shit, it won't be as special then! Damn, why do these things always happen to me? I'll probably forget to write about it tomorrow because I won't be yelling it to the heavens all the livelong day...

Some Realisations

You know what I just realized? Jordan Staal and Jason Spezza have the same initials. Uh-huh, yeah. Two of my favorites. You know, I think I'm attracted to the J names. Or maybe it's the S ones. I don't know. All I know is that this little mishap won't come in the way of either of my relationships with Jason or Jordy. I never really like Jason Smith because he shared Spezz's initials and coincidentaly, first name. But, Smith is now retired (which I think Murray might have forced on him in order to get under the salary cap) and all was at peace again...until I found out about J Staal! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

Just to keep you posted, Dany Heatley still hasn't been traded. I'm SURE Murray is trying as hard as he possibly can to get him out of Ottawa (note the heavy sarcasm), but it just isn't working out. I personally want Heater to stay here. Not that I like him or anything, I just think it might be fun to see how the season plays out with Dany on bad side of every single one of his teammates. Some say he ows nothing but a valid explanation, but others seem to want more from their discheveled right winger. I think it'll be amusing to see how they want him to repay them for all the chaos his trade request has caused. The tension in the dressing may break out onto the ice...I want there to be a fight. Yeah, I want one of the Sens to randomly punch Dany Heatley in the face. That would make my life. Whoever would do that would have to someday be engraved on the loonie. Maybe ever the toonie? You've probably noticed by now that I really don't care whether or not the Sens win this season. Well, I don't. I don't like them. Not one bit. The only reason I watch them every other night is to see Spezz and Ryan Shannon. I love Ryan Shannon. So much.

Baby Staal

First of all, I'd just like to let everyone know that Eric Staal is expecting a child this month. I don't know what the gender is or exactly when it's due this month, but I'm hoping it's gonna be a boy. You know, carry on the Staal hockey tradition and all that. Congrats Eric, you're way too young to be a father. And it's irresponsible of you to throw the tough task of uncle on all your young brothers' shoulders. They can't handle it; Marc is working his ass off to be the third in his family to win a Stanley Cup, he doesn't have the time! And he's got his girlfriend to worry about aswell! She's a model, she's bound to be getting in loads of trouble. And Jordan just won Stanley, he's busy basking in the glory of his recent feat. Parties, clubs, bars...not quite the environment to raise a child in! And imagine the example he'd set for little baby Staal! Oh, it hurts to even think about it. And don't even get me started on Jared. He's only nineteen, still getting used to the fact that he can drink publicly without worrying about making himself a fake ID. All not to mention how overwellmed he must feel about his new spot on the Coyotes. That team is all over the place, I don't even understand whats going on anymore with Balsillie and crap. And little Jared has to move away from home! How sad. Geez Eric, you could have waited a couple more years a least to try for a child, no one is even close to being ready for it. Unless is happened out of wedlock. Then it isn't your fault, and I apologize for all this blame I must've put on you.