It's Time

What a heartbreak. But, you know, I can't say that I'm too shaken up about it. I'm definitely disappointed, of course. My two teams out in the same night. It was rough. But I knew from the start what the outcome was going to be. I mean, who were we kidding; a Pittsburgh without Crosby and Malkin wasn't going to last. And in a way this is better, because it gives Sid time to recuperate over the summer and get back to full form instead of joining in during the playoffs and possibly ending his career forever!

ALSO, the Habs gave us a good show. A great one, even. I almost shit my pants that entire game. PK Subban is my hero. His post-goal celebration (or lack thereof) made my life. And Carey Price is a tank. This time last year, we were worshiping Halak. Funny how things go.

Also, did anyone else catch the video of Chara drinking a bottle of coke on the bench in the middle of the third? I laughed. Chara's a bitch, but he has his moments.

Okay so, now that my top three votes have been eliminated, who to go for? Chicago was a predictable loss, by the way. We all knew this would happen, the moment they made their first trade after they won the cup last year, we knew it. I was happy, though, that they lost to a respectable team. The Vancouver Canucks. Canadians, nonetheless. Okay, thats it. I'm going for Vancouver. No questions asked, problem solved. I mean, the lightning JUST won the thing in like 08. They've had their turn. It's time for Canada to lift this cup again.

Canucks in 4.

NAHA...Night Hawks?

I've been away at hockey in Vermont which=me unfortunately missing the most important month in the hockey off-season. Let me recap to you what has happened in August.


Sidney Crosby turns 23. This is fucking huge. This is fucking huge every single year.
And he just keeps getting hotter.

Ken Dryden and Brett Hull both age, as well as Bobby Clarke. Marty Turco, one of the newest members of our Chicago Blackhawks, also gets older. Today is Shea Weber's birthday, which to be honest, I don't really care about.

Soon to come, Carey Price turns 23 despite his unfortunate lack of success. On the 17th, someone named Pete Peeters will turn one year older. I totally respect whichever parent came up with that name. The Last Song also comes out on DVD on this day. On the 23rd, Mike Green and Jarkko Ruutu have birthdays and on the 29th Antti Niemi celebrates his first brithday as a homeless man. So sad, Chicago fucked you up. And finally, the last day of this wonderful month is especially special, so said because it holds the births of Jean Beliveau, Ryan Kesler, Scott Niedermayer and a guy named Blake Wheeler which is certainly quite an unfourtunate last name.

On NHL news, John Madden has been transfered to Minnesota. I don't even give a shit anymore. Patrick Kane had his day with the cup, and he did some shit in Buffalo and then at the Niagra Falls that made the papers, what else is new...ah! The Hawks re-signed Jordan Hendry. Who is the fuck is Jordan Hendry? Who knows. But apparently he was a free agent. And apparently they figured he was the priority the sign as oppose to oh, I dunno, maybe Big Buff. Or Even Niemi? Who knows. Who FUCKING KNOWS.

Another One Bites The Dust

I think it's funny how ridiculous this is getting. Adding two goalies to the list. Niemi, Huet both gone. Chicago had the opportunity to sign Antti Niemi, but they passed. And then they sent Huet to the minors. And then they fucking signed Marti Turco. He sucks. The Hawks have officially passed on to insanity. I miss when they had a good team.

Give It A Rest Already

They're debating moving Niemi.
THEY'RE DEBATING MOVING NIEMI!!

Chicago, what is wrong with you?

Another Shot

Younger Versteeg

Hopefully the Hawks will hold on to this one, we've already lost one Verbeauty. And from the article, I feel as though we lost the better one, both talent-wise and in personality. Ah, well. You can only stay angry for so long. I just feel bad for people like Kaner and Toews and Sharpie who are still on that sorry team. Chicago is a lost cause, and their careers are plummeting right down with them. Hopefully the organisation will smarten before they lose the rest of their stars.

And no, I do not feel bad for Hossa. He has not earned my sympathy.

Chicago Loses Hjalmarsson to Sharks

And there goes another one.

Death...and All of His Best Friends

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I'm crying. I'm crying and yelling at my parents. Because on top of everything that's already happened, I've just found out that Adam Burish no longer plays for the Chicago Blackhawks. Adam Burish now plays for Dallas. The Stars.

I cannot even begin to believe this. The Blackhawks are insane. Add the Indian Burrito the their hitlist of lost superstars. Should I put this down on paper? All the amazing players that Chicago has lost? I think I will.

1. Andrew Ladd --Atlanta Thrashers
2. Kris Versteeg --Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Dustin Byfuglien --Atlanta Thrashers
4. Ben Eager --Atlanta Thrashers
5. Brent Sopel --Atlanta Thrashers
6. Colin Fraser --Edmonton Oilers
7. Adam Burish --Dallas Stars

Seven. Seven players. Seven incredible, amazing players that made up the team and now they're gone. What, you think your top line won the Stanley Cup all by themselves? You think Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp are the only forwards eligible to stay on your team? Because if I remember correctly, Sharpie wasn't the one playing on that number 1 line when your team won the thing. There was some other guy, kind of insignificant, I think his name was Bufflen...pronounced something like that. But he obviously wasn't a very important asset because you gave him away. They all obviously weren't very important assets because you gave them all away! The only person who you didn't trade away was Adam Burish, and he most likely walked out on his own because you had gotten rid of everybody else! Is that the deal, you win the Stanley Cup and then just get rid of everyone who doesn't have an annual salary of over 5 million? You don't have anybody left! How the hell do you expect your stars to get the goddamn puck if there isn't anyone there to pass it to them? Seven players. Seven players that you'll never get back. And I'll be willing to bet that you aren't done here. There are more players on your roster just asking to get traded away. You know who Atlanta is now? Chicago. Atlanta is Chicago because you gave them your soul. You gave them your essence and you didn't even ask for anything in return. The Thrashers and the Oilers and the Maple Leafs. Those are going to be the teams to watch next season because you helped them. You brought dying teams down from the depths for nothing. Nothing! Screw you, Chicago. You deserve another 49 years without the cup.

X-Weighted

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?!?!

The Hawks traded Byfuglien. They traded Big Buff! Not only that, but Ben Eager, and Brent Sopel! What the hell? The three of them are joining Colby in Atlanta, in exchange for the 24th pick in the draft. This better be a damn good son, because not just anyone can replace our playoff heroes. We also get a second round draft pick, and some shit guys named Jeremy Morin, Marty Reasoner and Joseph Crabb. Who the fuck are these people? And what gives them the right to take the spots of our men? These are our men!

Fuck the NHL. This draft better be good. If Taylor Hall does not go first, I will kill something.

Here's to Our Hawks

I was waiting until all the Stanley Cup pictures came up to make this "montage", if you will. But they're finally up, so, here it is: the long overdue celebration of the amazingness that is the 2010 Chicago Blackhawks.




















And I know that these next ones aren't from the Stanley Cup win, but I just thought they were pretty attractive. Well, the first one is. Oh, Patty. *shakes head*

When There's a Way

At Ease, Soldier

To take away from the tremendous turmoil that is this evening, I've decided to inform you of three incredibly crucial things. First (and you should know I made this all on my own with the help of PAINT),



Second, yesterday was Mike Cammarelli's birthday, June 5th was Mike Fisher's birthday, June 3rd was Kevin Bieksa's birthday, June 12th is Wade Redden's birthday, June 13th is Jason Spezza's birthday (which I do not care about), June 16th is Rick Nash's birthday, June 18th is Chris Neil and Martin St-Louis' birthdays, June 20th is Joe Corvo and Antoine Vermette's birthdays (we have officially discovered the mystery to his number, somebody write this down), and June 29th is Theoren (Theo) Fleury's birthday, which confuses me because it makes me wonder if that had any affect on Marc-Andre's choice of number or if it was just a coincidence.

Third, my friend's older brother walked in on me in the washroom today.

What's meant to happen will happen tonight. If The Hockey Gods think that Chicago needs one more game, then they'll give them one more game. I am giving you my trust.

Brothers and Sisters

That's it, just like I said. If "drown 'em" doesn't say seven goals for, then I don't know what does. Keep it up, les boys. Chicago owns the cup this year. Screw Hossa's rep.
Did you see what I did there? I gave him regular s's. Instead of, you know, the ever continuously used money symbols. Hint: ($$) ...Know why? Because either way, whether we go down in history or not, he is a part of this team. There isn't anything we can do about it at the moment. So, we're just going to have to accept the fact that he wears our colours, and suck it up. We don't like you, Hossa, but you're family now. We're winning this cup, whether or not you come along for the journey. "We overcome adversity."

Can I call you Marian?

You Are So Worth It

So. I think...Chicago needs to not let Philly tie up the series. It's too late to change that now, but hell, let's try and keep their wins to a minimun, kay boys? You didn't work this hard all season to make it all the way here and then let the Flyers take your cup. Hear that? Your cup. This is your year, boys. This is your time. You are so worth it, you are so god damn worth it.* Best of three series starts now.

"Drown these fucking rats."**

Hawks in 6.


*Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby, OFSAA gold medal game vs. Barry Central, Markham, ON, 10:00 a.m, June 5th, 2010.

**Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby 2010, regular season game vs. St. Pete's, ahead by one point at the start of the second half.

In The Bag

Hawks got this in 4. No question.
Dats was' up.

Chances

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are


The finals kicked off with a bang. Chicago came out with the win, of course. No big D. The score was a bit too astray for my liking, but game 1 is done and won, and that's all that matters. Johnny T, become the second youngest captain to ever hoist the cup? It's up to you.


I'm 99 for a moment
Time for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I Am Ironman, nah nah nah nah nah nah

Did you even see the fucking game last night? I'm not even gonna talk about it. That's how epic it was. It was so goddamn epic that I'm not even gonna tell you what the score was. But I will say this: yesterday, the score stood at 9-0 Philedelphia after two games. Now, after three games, the score stands 2-1 Philedelphia. Justice? I think so. Kick their ass, Habitants. You're in your home now. Kill 'em. Habs in 6.


Now, on to more important matters. Grey's Anatomy two-hour season finale last night. Here where I'm gonna break the hearts of everyone who hasn't watched it yet. Can I freak out please? Thank you. SO MANY PEOPLE DIED! LIKE, WTF? HOW COULD YOU JUST KILL SO MANY PEOPLE?! THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE!!!! AND YOU SHOT ALEX! AND YOU SHOT DEREK! AND YOU SHOT OWEN! GAHHHH! AND YOU KILLED MEREDITH'S BABY! IT DIDN'T EVEN GET TO LIVE! Thank you, I guess, for not killing off any of the main characters. All you did was get rid of all the useless extras, so I guess that was alright. But man, what an episode. Jesus Christ. I'm not religious, so I'll use that name in vain. That was such a fucking intense two hours. The shooting began in like the first 10 minutes too, and it was like, I have to watch two hours of this?! But I did anyway. And after a while, it was like really? Really? Are you still shooting people? Really? And now all I can think about is how I have to wait until next year to see the next episode. This sucks. Life sucks. You suck.

There we go. That was my rant. One good rant a day keeps you healthy. Tonight, Chicago will continue their sweep. All is good in the world at the moment.
All is good.

His and Her Story

Okay, so, the deed is done. Chicago has finally gotten rid of Vancouver. You know what I say to that? It's about goddamn time. Jesus.



So now, only one game of importance remains. Sure, Boston still has to play Philedelphia. And Philedelphia could overrun Boston just like Montreal did against Washington oh-so-long-ago, but we don't care about that. The only thing we care about right now, is one game. The only thing in life that we have to even worry about right now is the game tonight. Tonight, Montreal plays Pittsburgh. Tonight, you win, and you move on. Tonight, you lose, and you're out. Forever.

This is the game, folks. History WILL be made.

Being Hot Has Its Ups

I think...in the spirit of these wonderful new playoff results we're having, it's time for another beauty pageant. I was going to do a Montreal Canadiens one, but then I looked at their players, and, quite frankly, they aren't too attractive. So I sat down and thought a bit. Which team has the hottest hockey players, I wondered?



Haha. That was a joke. I didn't even have to think for a second to know that Chicago was the definite choice. I know you laughed. Don't lie.



So, look forward to a Hawks Beauty Pageant 2010 coming soon. It'll be chalk-full of Patrick Kanes and Kris Versteegs and Jonathan Toewses...it's gonna be good. You can bet on it.

This is Serious, Folks

Vancouver beat Chicago 4-1 in game 5. Kevin Bieska, who I've just discovered is extremely attractive, scored two goals, making up for the fact that Vancouver's Sami Salo got hit with a slap shot in the midsection and got taken to the hospital for what is believed to be a ruptured testicle.



If you aren't puking right now because you're laughing so hard than I think I might have to kill you for lack of a decent sense of humor. Or maybe I'll just rupture your testicle.

It's A Predictable Future

Okay, so update. Some relevant information without all those uplifting comments and shit.

• San Jose won game 5, so Detroit=OUT and Sharks=moving on to Western Conference Finals. This also means that you should now officially ignore the Red Wings tidbit in the poll.
• On Monday, Boston has the opportunity to get rid of those pesky Flyers. They will win. You know, when asked who he thought was the most annoying player in the NHL, Maxime Talbot, without much hesitation I might add, said Carcillo and Hartnell, both belonging to Philedelphia. I thought that was pretty funny. Max was also asked which player he thought was the hardest working in the NHL, and he said Sidney Crosby. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
• Also on Monday, Pittsburgh has the opportunity to eliminate the Montreal Canadiens. They will not win.
• Tonight, the Hawks plays Vancouver. If Chicago wins, they will take out the Canucks and continue on the play the Sharks in the next round.

Okay, now for some wishful thinking. Montreal will win on Monday because they have more desire than the Penguins do. They will tie up the series and send it into game seven, which they will win as well. They will then move on the Eastern Conference Finals and play Boston, who will have beaten out Philedelphia because, let's face it, the Flyers suck shit. It will be an intense series in which Camelleri will reach a new level of domination and Chara will drop down half-an inch. The Habs will win that series in six games and will move on to the Stanley Cup Finals, in which they will play the Chicago Blackhawks, who will have recently beat out first the Vancouver Canucks and then the San Jose Sharks, both in 6 games. By this time, Jonathan Toews will have fully grown out his beard and will have perfected his Wolverine look. Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish will notice this improvement and will, without Tazer's knowing, enter him in a superhero look-alike competition, which he will win. Montreal and Chicago will battle it out for the Stanley Cup for seven long games, by the end of which no one in Canada will have any clean underpants left to wear. Much to the Habs' chagrin, game 7 will go to the Hawks, and Johnny will become the second youngest captain to ever hoist Lord Stanley. He will then be interviewed on the ice, during which he will say his youthful team did a "fucking great job", reminiscent of the time he won the world juniors. Montreal, crestfallen, will have a go at Stanley the next post-season, but will come up short, with Pittsburgh winning their second cup in three years. The Canadiens year will come next, though, with their captain Brian Gionta leading them to victory, giving them their first taste of playoff gold since 1993, adding a 25th cup to their collection. This will be their first and only cup of the decade, making a 14 year dent in their record until they win it again.

By this time, Sidney Crosby will have retired, and will have long admitted to his homosexuality. He will live a long and plentiful life, happily married to a skinny man named Ryan with two cats and a beach house in Miami.