Hockey Is

I cried just now.
Know why?
I watched this commercial.
It made me cry.

Jesus Christ, Sid.

22 is the Sex Year

Guess what day it is?? I'll tell you. Today is that day that Jonathan Toews turns 22. Not even kidding. Surprised at how old he is? So am I. You should've seen us last year, when he became legal. Crazy times if I'd ever seen any.

In recognition of Tazer, I'm gonna show you guys this video. I first saw this video a year ago, pretty damn close to the eve of his last birthday. I've neglected to show it to you sooner because, well...it makes me pretty angry, to tell you the truth. You see, I used to go to this french school. And I had this teacher.

His name. Was Racine. And he was bald. And not even like, that disease that causes you to lose hair or something. He fucking shaved his own goddamn head. You know how I know this? On Halloween, he dressed up as a king or some shit, and he thought it would go with the costume to have some peach fuzz or whatever. Well, he had the peach fuzz alright. On his chin, and his head.

Gross. I know. But that wasn't the worst thing about him. He was just so fucking...you know? I can't even explain. He wasn't human. He told us his sister was his girlfriend to cover up his homosexuality. Enough said?

But it was his accent that bothered me the most. Like, he had the most legit friend accent I've ever heard in my life, just like overpronouncing every fucking word and shit. It just made me wanna rip my own arm off just so I could have something to throw at him*. It was just Johnny T's goddamn french accent in that movie that made me want to fucking punch him the face and stuff those frog legs down his goddamn francophone throat.

I'm so sorry, Tazer. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I love you, but you, sir, are a douchebag francophone. Please don't make me ever repeat that again for as long as I live.

Happy birthday.


*I can't take credit for that line. I completely stole that from FRIENDS. Joey, thanks for that one. I swear that this won't be the last time I use it.

Does Anyone Still Have Any Clean Underwear On?

Is. Anyone. Aware. Of. What. Just. Happened.


The Habs. The Montreal Canadiens, Habitants, Blue, Blanc et Rouge. Le vrai, 101 years.
Just beat out.
The Washington Capitals.
Just beat out.
Alex Ovechkin, the Great 8, the Russian Machine.

Does anyone remember what I've been saying ever since the playoffs began? I predicted this outcome. Don't even say I didn't.


HABS. IN. 7.


Holy fuck.

Playoff Mullets

**The video that'll start playing when you open the link is not the one intended for you to see. The one you'll laugh at until you puke is the video above it**

First step: Watch this video.

Second step: Watch the video again.

Third step: Show your friends.

Fourth step: When they don't laugh with you, take the computer away from them.

Fifth step: Watch the video for a third time by yourself.

Sixth step: Shake your head in pity and amusement.

Seventh step: Realize that this is why we love the Blackhawks so much.

Do I Really Wanna Rip My Heart Out, Though?

This is an exerpt from the Morning's Ottawa Citizen:


BABY NEWS

Senators centre Jason Spezza and his wife, Jennifer, are expecting their first child at the end of June.

They don't know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl and say they're not going to ask.

"One of life's last mysteries," Spezza said Sunday.


You're probably thinking right now that I'm gonna start ranting about what a ho bag Spezz and Smelly are now, because they're starting a new family. But you're wrong.

It's true. I seem to have moved past Giggles. See, the thing is, he keeps trying to get attention. Like, first, he and Dany Boy have a falling out, involving the entire league, and then he goes and decides to get married, right, and take up three FULL pages of the sports section with pictures of him kissing his wife at the altar. And then he goes and invents for himself a stupid laugh that he uses in the randomest of situations, forcing TSN and Sportscentre to replay the clip over and over again until they can't stand to hear it anymore. And if all that weren't enough, now he's knocked up his wife.

Is that possible? Does it still count as knocking up if you're married? Whatever. It sounds mean and sketchy, and that is what they deserve. Because they are mean and sketchy people.

But you know what, Jason Spezza? I don't care anymore. You can try and get attention all you want, but we don't care. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. For all I care, you can put a huge-ass photograph of you and your new family at the hospital with your naked new-born baby in your arms. And you know what else? No one will take a second glance. Hell, they might even turn away in disgust. In disgust!

So you better think, next time you wanna get attention. Think about the people who are actually gonna listen. Because I'm sure that in the end, those aren't the ones you wanted to hear you.

Post #104:

Backstrom scores 30 seconds in.

Habs in 5.

Make Me Shit My Pants, Why Don't Ya

Um, wow. Kay. Post #103:

We think it's going into overtime, the score being 4-4 and all, but then the Habs score another goal to make it 5-4. Then we're all happy because Montreal does a really good penalty kill, allowing almost not shots on net. BUT THEN. Washington scores with a minute and half left!!!!!! Oh my goodness, now the score is tied up at 5, and both teams are fighting frantically for the same goal only on opposites ends of the universe.

No one scores.
Now it's going into overtime.
I predict a goal from Camalleri.
I am sticking to my game plan.

Habs in 4.

#102

Hello, world. I have some very special news to share. This, here, what you're reading right at this moment, is my one hundred and second post. YeeuP. This blog has graced 102 posts. No joke. I wish I had realized this on my one hundredth , but I wasn't really paying attention, because I was too engrossed in telling you all about Tyler. Yep, it's true. My one hundredth post was used to enform you that Tyler Myers has a girlfriend. I think it was worth it.

And then my one hundred and first post was used to tell you that the Habs had won the first game of the series agains Washington, which was completely worth it, no doubt.

Pittsburgh, by the way, won their second game against Ottawa. Series is now 1-1.
Habs are currently tied 4-4 to Caps with 6:00 left in the third. Can you spell intense?

Livin' Dreams

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Right, well, I think that about sums it up.
My dreams are still alive.
1 down, 3 to go.

Habs in 4.

Many Beginnings of The Many Moments That Give You Heart Attacks

I. Just found out. Some. INCREDIBLE. News.

Do you wanna hear it?

It's about Tyler Myers.

Yeah. I thought you'd wanna hear it. So. Here it is.

As it turns out...Tyler Myers, someone we all hold very near and dear to our hearts...

Has a GIRLFRIEND!!

GASPGASPGASP

Was this your initial reaction?

...and then did it turn into this?

Yeah. That's how I felt. I don't know many details on the fact, but I have words from an undisclosed inside source that apparently she's a "piece of work". Updates will come later.

YAY

12:20: Gionta to Gomez, Habs score. 2-2. I feel like I helped.

11:55: Halak makes an incredible splits save to keep it tied up. Commentator calls him "Jarhav" instead of Jaroslav. Thanks for that one, Pierre McGuire. You better make him your monster, just because you flopped.

A Little Hope

It is currently 2-1 Washington with 15:46 left in the third. If the Habs don't win this one, it'll ruin my prediction for a sweep and I'll lose a 5 dollar bet with my teacher.


Score, Montreal. Score.

Lucky 1000

Yowza.
Guess what? I just took a look randomly at my hit count for the first time in months, and guess what I saw?

1000.
I think Alfie's trying to tell me something...

It makes me feel proud to think I was the person who gave my blog it's one thousandth hit. But theres no way it was me who looked at this blog 1000 times. I had some help. From you :)
Love you guys. More than life.

Seriously.

Not A Setback

Jesus of fuck.

Well, I guess you've all found out then.
Pittsburgh decided to lose their first game of the playoffs.
It would be an understatement to say I wanted to punch through a wall right now.
But no big. I have faith that they'll come together. They just didn't wanna embarrass Ottawa by sweepin' em. It's fine. They gave them the first one, but thats all. Build up their confidence just to send it crashing down. Its kind of mean, but hey. This is the playoffs. Anything goes.



Pens in 5.
Habs in 4.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back, Baby

Thank you, Patrick. You've just made our lives that much more enjoyable.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/13/patrick-kanes-blackhawks_n_536363.html

Smile, Love

Right, so we all know Jonathan Toews has the notorious nickname of Captain Serious on the Hawks. And we love him for it, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, just sometimes, we wanna make fun of him. Just a little bit.

This picture made me die laughing.

**Thanks to Micaela for showing me this. Spanish class is a lot more interesting when you've got your laptop facing me. It's because of you that I don't have a Twitter account. You keep me updated, and that's all I need. Love you.**

Lord Stanley, Give Us Your Votes

Have you guys seen the new votes we have going on here now? I think they're right about...here:----------------------------------->>>

You should really give your opinion. So far we've got over 10 votes, which is more than the last one I put up at least. This is a super intense question, though. Really makes you think. The TSN and Sportscentre analysists both think that Washington and Chicago are going to face off in the finals, which those of you who have voted have seemed to have agreed on, mostly. You also seem to think some random underdog might take the win. You never know. Pitt was an underdog a little while back, they were hardly even going to make the playoffs two years ago. There's always a chance. I think Phoenix is gonna give us all a run for our money. Not that they haven't done well this year, it's just that...you don't expect Phoenix to win. You just don't. It's some sort of unconscious thing that we all do. They finished pretty high up in the standings, and yet we don't pay them any mind. "Someone will beat them," we all say. And it's probably true. But you never know, kids. These years, things just keep getting wierder and wierder.

Shitting Bricks

Ladies and gentlemen; the playoffs.

Yes, they're finally here. All is done and decided, and, after a year of anxious await, we have our teams. Some of the results were suprising, yes, especially how the best of the brothers (E Staal) didn't make the post-season because of the shit team he's been stuck on, and how the "Bolts" didn't make it either even though they had a 50+ goal sophmore un-slumper.

But all is well. And do you know why? Because the Habs made it in. Yes, yes they did. Don't sound so surprised. I knew they were gonna make it the whole time. Sure, they gave us a few scares here and there, but hell. What's the regular season for if not for giving 15 year old girls heart attacks?

No, I didn't forget that Montreal has to play Washington. It's not a big deal. Sure, they're the top team in the world, but I believe in my Habitants. They can do anything if they set their minds to it. My prediction? A sweep. Habs in 4.

OTTAWA IS PLAYING PITTSBURGH! WHOOOOO! The Hockey Gods actually read my letter this year! I feel so proud. I'm going to one of their games. The fourth one, actually. I kind of hope the Pens sweep, so that's I'll be in the stands to witness Geno smile. That will make my entire life, I can assure you.

I feel bad for San Jose. They've scored so many goals this year that analysists have even gone to the extreme of saying that Joe Thornton might not even flop these playoffs because of his newly acquired personal douchebag (Dany Heatley). I laugh at those people. Once a post-season flop, always a post-season flop. Thornton has a notorious record for shitting a brick every time he steps on playoff ice. This isn't going to change. I don't even need to know who the Sharks are playing to be sure that they're going to fail miserably.

I don't really feel bad.

Sometimes There Just Isn't Need For Sharing

Jesus, Crosby. I know you're amazing and respectful and thoughful and generous as shit. But did you really have to share the Rocket? Christ. Steven Stamkos will have years of opportunity to win that thing. But this was your year! You win a Stanley Cup, you score the goal that won you the Olympics, you finally realize your homosexuality but decide to wait to come out of the closet in respect to the media and all those women out there who would choke on their own spit the moment they hears. This was your time. And you tied. You tied a sophmore! For the love of God, Sid.

We Have An Overpopulation On This Small Small World

Today was Roberto Luongo's birthday. Happy 31st, Bobby-Lu. Jesus Christ, you are much older than I thought you were. You've only got a few years left in you. Use them well, Loooooou. Win a Stanley Cup, how about. Wait, no. Not this year. This year it's time for Washington, and then the year after that Chicago will make it's run, and then the Pens will take it again. But the year after that, kay? You can hold on that long, can't you?

Pascal Dupuis is also turning 31 on Wednesday. Remember, he's the one for Pittsburgh who has permanent mascara and waxed and perfectly plucked eyebrows? At least he takes care of himself. He's having a good year though, and he wears the Rocket's number, so we respect him. He also plays for the Pens. So we love him for that.

We also love that he has twin dogs and an extremely sculpted torso. And that he's a father, and buys super cool swingsets for his kids. And that he got a tatoo to commemorate Lord Stanley. Well done, Pascal.

Brian Elliott and Alex Ponikarovsky have their birthdays on the Friday, turning 25 and and 30 respectively. Elliot, or 'Ernie' as da Sens call him, has held Ottawa (home of the Fat Cats) on his back ever since Pascal Leclaire completely flopped his role. We will be in the playoffs thanks to him. And Ponikarovsky used to be a Maple Laugh. Now he's a Penguin. He is liked much better now.

Sean Avery (!!!) and Dion Phaneuf are celbrating the day after that. Avery is congratulated on surviving 30 years on this planet, and, more impressive yet, 10 seasons in the NHL. He is known around the league as an agitator, and a pest. He is annoying and unsportsmanlike and hated by 66.4% of all the players in the NHL, but, for some strange reason, I like him. Don't ask me why.

BUT I will say that it's funny that he has the same birthday as Dion Phaneuf (turning 25), who was one of the victims of Avery's well-known 'sloppy seconds' comment. When Sean Avery made the comment before a game against the Flames, Phaneuf's team at the time, Phaneuf was dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert. Which is cool. I like how things like this link together.

And we all remember Avery's "distraction tactic" against Brodeur. Oh, Sean. There's just something about you. I don't want to love you. And yet I do. I can't help it. I hate everything about you. But I just can't help loving you.

SERGEI GONCHAR'S BIRTHDAY IS ON APRIL 13TH. WOOOOOOOOOO. He's turning 36. Now that, if you've been paying any attention, is old. Poor Serge. I hope he doesn't get traded. His contract ends after this season, and there's been some talk about a trade. It's some sort of money thing. But the Pens just don't understand. They need him. Screw the money. He is a leader. He is wise, and experienced, and loyal, and wonderful, and amazing, and adorable. I'm sure the forwards will be fine without him, but what of the D? He is a leader amongst those men. What will become of Kris LeSwoon is Gonch leaves? He'll crash and burn, I tell you. But he won't be alone. Geno (love) will go down with him. He's not grown enough yet to handle this cruel world all on his own. Help him, Sergei. Evgeni needs you.

Aww, right? Don't destroy this love.