'Atta Boy, Taytay

This whole year, everyone kept saying Tyler Seguin was going to go first. The scouts said it, the coaches said it, the announcers said it. It was always a battles between Taylor and Tyler, but somehow, Taylor Hall continuously fell short of expectations. He played for Team Canada in the World Juniors, he lead his Windsor Spitfires to win the Memorial Cup two years running, he won the Wayne Gretzy 99 Award, Eddie Powers Memorial Trophy, the Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophy and the Ed Chynoweth Trophy, all in the past two years. Did Tyler Seguin play for Baby Canada? Did Tyler Seguin win two Memorial Cups in a row? Did Tyler Seguin win all that shit-bucket of awards?

No. But somehow, all of those unbelievable achievements did not get Taylor ahead of Tyler in the running for No. 1 overall draft pick. It left him feeling pretty glum.

But Tayl0r Hall never gave up. And the Edmonton Oilers saw something in him that was obvious to the rest of us, but conspicuously hidden in the eyes of the NHL world. Taylor and Tyler both showed up at that draft. And who's name was called first?

Oh, Tay. You know you deserved this. And we know you deserved this. So suck in all this glory that you got now. And take the time to rub it in Tyler's face. Because this was your draft all along. We were here supporting you from the sidelines, and you never gave up because this was something you had worked for your entire life. Now, you get the opportunity to bring a drowning team down from the deepest depths of the standings and carry them on your back on the road to greatness. You're getting the opportunity to be Sidney Crosby. And I think you're ready.

Tyler Seguin, he doesn't get that opportunity. The Boston Bruins were in the playoffs this year. They even made it past the first round. That's not a team that needs rebuilding. Chances are, young Tyler won't even get to play next year. The Bruins are perfectly fine without him. He won't be a star. You, you Taylor Hall, will be a star. Screw Tyler. This draft will forever be know as Taylor vs. Tyler, and everyone will remember who came out on top. Five, ten years from now, people will look at this picture and say:

"Whatever happened to that other guy?"

The smile tells it all. Tyler, go cry in a hole. Leave Taylor to celebrate this moment. He deserves it more than anyone.

X-Weighted

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?!?!

The Hawks traded Byfuglien. They traded Big Buff! Not only that, but Ben Eager, and Brent Sopel! What the hell? The three of them are joining Colby in Atlanta, in exchange for the 24th pick in the draft. This better be a damn good son, because not just anyone can replace our playoff heroes. We also get a second round draft pick, and some shit guys named Jeremy Morin, Marty Reasoner and Joseph Crabb. Who the fuck are these people? And what gives them the right to take the spots of our men? These are our men!

Fuck the NHL. This draft better be good. If Taylor Hall does not go first, I will kill something.

We All Stand Poised on the Brink of Greatness

Anyone wanna see a hot picture?

Girls all over the world are having orgasms right now because of how hot this picture is. You know this.

The Art of Ripping Out Hearts

They...traded...they traded...Halak...they traded him...the Habs traded...Halak...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR PROBLEM?! HE GOES AND TAKES THEM ALL THE WAY TO THE GODDAMN SEMIFINALS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 17 YEARS AND THEY TRADE HIM AWAY?!! HE CARRIED THEM ON HIS BACK! HE SAVED THEIR SORRY ASSES EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY COULDN'T KEEP THEIR SHIT TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO HOLD A LEAD!! HE WAS THE REASON THEY MADE IT AS FAR AS THEY DID! HE WAS THEIR HEART AND SOUL WHEN THEY DIDNT HAVE A CAPTAIN TO TAKE THE LEAD!! AND NOW THEY'RE TRADING HIM?! AND TO THE BLUES?!! WHY DO THE BLUES GET HIM???? AT LEAST GIVE HIM TO SOMEONE MIDLY WORTHY! BUT NO! NO! YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE HIM AWAY! YOU DON'T THROW AWAY A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! AND WHO THE FUCK IS LARS ELLER?!! WHO THE FUCK IS IAN SCHULTZ??! HOW ARE THEY WORTHY TO BE A PART OF THIS TEAM?? DO THEY EVEN PLAY IN THE FUCKING NHL?!! THIS SUCKS! YOU. ARE. SO. FUCKING. STUPID!!!!!!! JAROSLAV HALAK WAS THE FUTURE OF THE MONTREAL CANADIENS FUCKING FRANCHISE, AND YOU GOT RID OF HIM. YOU GOT RID OF KEN DRYDEN. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT, HUH MONTREAL?? WAS THIS YOUR DOING BOB GAINEY?!! BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO!!! YOU CAN'T JUST BRING IN A NEW UNKNOWN GOALIE ONTO YOUR TEAM AND THEN LET HIM STEAL OUR HEARTS AND THEN JUST TAKE HIM AWAY!! YOU CAN'T BRING OUR HOPES UP BY GIVING US GREATNESS AND THEN JUST SEND US CRASHING DOWN! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WIN A STANLEY CUP IN THE NEXT FIVE YEARS! THAT WAS THE PREDICTION!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PREDICTION IS NOW?!! 17 MORE YEARS OF FAILURE. HALAK WAS WHO WE WERE. HE REPRESENTED ALL THAT WE STOOD FOR AS A TEAM, COMING OUT OF NOWHERE AND OVERCOMING ALL ADVERSITY. YOU KILLED OUR FUCKING SPIRIT!!!! WHO THE FUCK EVEN CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA?! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!!!!??! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?! AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE, BECAUSE JARO'S LEAVING AND THE TEAM WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!! FUCK YOU. YOU'VE DAMNED US ALL.

The Happy Days Gang

Whoever's reading this at the moment is very lucky to currently be a part of Loonie Engraved's first belated birthday! Whooooo!Today, we turn 1 year old and 10 days! Yipee! Have a beer and a party hat on us. And guess who I'm celebrating this wonderous occasion with? A very special man named Hugh Harris, who played one year in the NHL for Buffalo back in '73. He's from Toronto, Ontario, and he's also having his birthday plus 10 days today! So Hugh, if you're reading this right now, and you're still with us, happy belated birthday. And guess who has their actual birthday today? A couple of french twins named Maxime and Michel Ouellet. They're both goalies, and I know for a fact that they're both currently living! So here's a happy birthday to them as well.

Wow, this is such a great day. A guy gave me his phone number at the mall this afternoon. I neglect to inform him of my homosexuality.

Jokes.

Loonies and shit for everyone!!!!

Burish vs Pronger

So, what you gotta do, is first you gotta watch this video.

Adam Burish About Chris Pronger

And then you gotta watch this video.

Chris Pronger about Adam Burish


Now I think you should know that I'm fully impartial to this. I have both of their autographs so they're equal to me. But I'm tacking in your tallies. Who do you think have a more legit response? Who do you think owned who harder? Who do you think embarrassed themselves the most? This is some intense beef we got going on here, folks. This is Burish vs Pronger. I'm tacking your tallies. Your comments will be registered.

Here's a third video, you will laugh your pants off, guaranteed. Notice Soupy singing along with Verbeauty in the background. Notice Kaner lower his un-mulleted head in shame. Notice how he makes references to two of his cyberspace failures in one quote, referring to both the limo incident and the cab incident. Also, notice at the end yet another snidbit of the same fight we saw earlier. And remember why we love these boys so much. We do. We really, really do.

Stanley Cup Parade

Perfection

You've definitely seen this commercial before.

Perfection Matters

Bobby-Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Young & Stupid

**Haha. I just found this draft I hadn't finished writing about 3 million years ago. It made me laugh. Now, you get to read it too. You'll be able to place yourself perfectly in the time frame, don't even worry about it. Oh, I was so silly back then...**


Gahh. Tonight. Let me tell you bout tonight. Tonight, Eric Staal was in Ottawa. Tonight, Ovie was in Toronto. Tonight, Colby was in Montreal. Let me tell you bout tonight.

Let's start off in the Capital. Canes vs Sens. Ottawa was wearing their stupid SENS jerseys, and I immediately knew it wasn't going to be a good game. I mean, those jerseys. GOD. How can they show their faces in public wearing those things? They almost make the Habs' 1912-1913 zebra stripe barber pole retro uniforms look good.

Alright, so, retro Sens start off good, and, oh? Guess who gets a goal? Was it...

a) Cappy 'n Giggles


b)A spicy italian man

or

c) The guy who hasn't put one in in 16 games

That's right Kovalev, I'm talking about you. But don't look so hurt, it's a good thing. Because guess what happens next?

Its all tied up. Only a few minutes to go in the third. Both teams are bringing out their top guns.
And then.
And then.
And then.
Another AK27 goal.
W-O-W.

But wait.
There's more.
So.
The empty net.
Whats gonna happen.
Will E Staal score and tie up the game?
Or will the Sens redeem themselves once again?
Who knows?
I do.
I know.

Kovalev scores.
On the empty net.

He got a hat-trick, his first hat-trick as a Senator, and his 401st goal in the NHL. Yay, biiiiig celebration, right? Um, not so much. Kovalev smiles, skates off to the bench, and sits down. He looks at the fans, the fans who have yet to adore him, and his smile slowly fades. Why? Because he misses Montreal. If he had been playing for the Habitants when he scored this hat-trick, there would have been three million goddamn hats raining all over the goddamn rink. And what does he see here? A hat. One single hat, has made its way onto the ice surface. Kovalev is about to cry. Nothing is going right for him. He gets sent to play for this piece of shit team, and then the fans don't even accept him. He says one thing wrong, and all of a sudden he's "not fully commited to being here". He goes on a scoring drought. Wait, no. Not a scoring drought. A scoring and assisting drought. A scoring, assisting, and point-making drought. Hell, just a plain doing anything drought. But now he has broken it. He has scored three goals today. He has done good. And the fans can't even give him a few measly hats to celebrate? I'm sure, eventually, the fans realized what they were supposed to do, and began raining a couple more hats onto the ice. I mean, you can't blame them. They live in Ottawa. It isn't often they get to see someone get a hat-trick. They still aren't sure what to do.

Alright, so that's it. Ottawa wins, Carolina is screwed. Poor E. He's trying so hard, what with his new baby and all. I don't mean to be a downer, but there isn't a very big chance of him making the Olympic team with the effort his team is giving him. If his team can't do shit, he can't do shit. Poor, poor, miserable E.


**rolf rolf rolf :D**

An Easy Mistake to Make

I can't tell how much this picture made me laugh. Go on nhlol.blogspot.com for like, millions of hilarious pics like these.

New Story

Hello, little ones.

Just wanted to inform you about the new blog I'm writing. It's a fan-fiction, which is kind of different for me, but I hope it'll work out okay. I got an idea for a story, but as I started writing it, it turned into something quite different, so I hope you like it! It's called Check Eleven, and it has kind of a mix between Jordan Staal and Sidney Crosby. I only have one chapter down so far, so read it and tell me what you think!

http://checkeleven.blogspot.com/

I think it's shaping up to be pretty good, but please please please comment! The more input I get the better I can make it. Thank you!!!!!!

A Day in the Life of an Italian Hockey Player

Happy happy birthday Jason. I didn't want to have to celebrate this, but, ironically enough, something showed up in the paper this morning that forced me to mention you once again. Apparently, you're getting traded. Hah. Imagine that.

"Happy 27th, Jay. We're going to have to get rid of you. Oh, and congrats on the baby."

LAUGHING OUT LOUD. It isn't a legit deal yet, though. Murray's just making some calls, doing some shit, trying to get Spezz the fuck outta here without hurting his feelings too much in the process. The problem is, I figure no one will want him much after the past two seasons he's had. Oh well. Guess we'll have to put him on wivers alongside the Cheechoo train.

This is a happy day. Sophia, good luck. Your father is a flop. More than that, he's a plug. A plug on the ice and a flop off it. I mean, he's an Italian hockey player. That's like, the biggest oxy-moron I've ever heard in my life! I predicted he would have a girl. Know why? Because he doesn't have enough sperm to produce anything else. Know what's gonna happen? He's gonna introduce his little princess into Timbits hockey at the age of four, and she's going to play her entire life and never make it past house-league. The Spezza family does not have enough jeans in their pants to make even a decent female hockey player. Jason will be on cloud 9 for about a year after young Sophia Donna was born, and then he will come to realize the potential of his sorry life, or lack of, rather. He will get traded, he will get benched on his new american team, he will go his whole life without ever winning a Stanley Cup and his loving family will end up aimlessly forgotten in the book of life. Some day, maybe 10, 15 years from now, in Hockey Night in Canada, Don Cherry will look at Ron, both old and grey and living life to its fullest without any regard for the consequences and be like, "Hey, remember this guy?"

Denial

Taken from the Ottawa Citizen on June 11th, 2010:

Jason Spezza a Proud Papa of a Baby Girl

OTTAWA — Jason and Jennifer Spezza are the proud parents of Sophia Donna, the Ottawa Senators confirmed Friday.

The baby girl was born June 8 around 11 p.m. Thursday at St. Joseph's Health Centre in Toronto.

No other details were immediately available.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Jason Spezza anymore?

I lied.
He turns 27 tomorrow.

Here's to Our Hawks

I was waiting until all the Stanley Cup pictures came up to make this "montage", if you will. But they're finally up, so, here it is: the long overdue celebration of the amazingness that is the 2010 Chicago Blackhawks.




















And I know that these next ones aren't from the Stanley Cup win, but I just thought they were pretty attractive. Well, the first one is. Oh, Patty. *shakes head*

Dear World

People should really learn to organize their events better. Because to go from the intense competition and speed of the Stanley Cup Playoffs to soccer, its just not right. Sure, FIFA is like "the most watched sporting event in history", but it's still soccer. People get nudged and they fall over. It's pathetic.

I say, the Stanley Cup ends, we get a three week break to digest the outcome, and then they can play their silly games. Don't just cut right into our celebrations! The parade in Chicago should've been on the front cover of the Ottawa Citizen this morning, not some picture of some brazilian guy with his dreads flying about in the air. I mean, if you're going to put a foreing soccer player on the first page of the newspaper, you should make him an attractive one, with decent hair, at least.

God. I hate soccer. I just hate it. It's such a sissy sport. And it's so slow, too. I mean, nothing happens! It takes a team like, an hour, to finally get into the other team's end, and by that time all the defender has to do is kick it as hard as they can to the other side of the field, and it starts all over again. And then when the forwards finally decide to take a shot, the goalie dives in the opposite direction! I mean, if you know you're going to score every time you take a shot, then why don't you just shoot more often? And when it's like 500 degrees out there, don't they ever get hot? I mean, make this game a little more interesting for us. Take off your shirts!

Please, someone, do something about this game. Because right now, there's nothing else for us Canadians to watch. Hockey's done, the Hawks are out partying and I'm pretty sure the Pens are golfing in Miami along with every one else. There isn't anything else on TV, and do you really expect us to watch baseball? So, do us northern folks a favor, and either inforce shirtless gaming or don't even bother to play it internationally.

Thanks,

A Hockey Fan

When There's a Way

At Ease, Soldier

To take away from the tremendous turmoil that is this evening, I've decided to inform you of three incredibly crucial things. First (and you should know I made this all on my own with the help of PAINT),



Second, yesterday was Mike Cammarelli's birthday, June 5th was Mike Fisher's birthday, June 3rd was Kevin Bieksa's birthday, June 12th is Wade Redden's birthday, June 13th is Jason Spezza's birthday (which I do not care about), June 16th is Rick Nash's birthday, June 18th is Chris Neil and Martin St-Louis' birthdays, June 20th is Joe Corvo and Antoine Vermette's birthdays (we have officially discovered the mystery to his number, somebody write this down), and June 29th is Theoren (Theo) Fleury's birthday, which confuses me because it makes me wonder if that had any affect on Marc-Andre's choice of number or if it was just a coincidence.

Third, my friend's older brother walked in on me in the washroom today.

What's meant to happen will happen tonight. If The Hockey Gods think that Chicago needs one more game, then they'll give them one more game. I am giving you my trust.

SHHTAAAAH! The Ashbury Way.

I am soooooo over Jason Spezza. I don't even like to look at him anymore. "Sure, Al," you say. "I totally believe that you're over Jason Spezza. I am currently extremely stealthily being rudely sarcastic right under your nose." ..."It's true." I say, catching on to your undosclosed sarcasm with an ease that surprises even a black-belted vietnamese ninja like yourself. And it is true. I don't lie very often, and when I do it's completely worth it. Giggles has gone in one ear, twirled around in my brain for a little while, dancing and singing to Beatles songs played on the banjo by an arabian chimpazee, and shot right out the other in a tremendous flash of bright green and pinkish-purple light. It happened out of nowhere, but had absolutely no affect on my outside body. I handled the situation quite calmly, you might even call the event tedious. And now I am over it. Jason Spezza no longer exists in my heart. I turn away in disgust when I see him. Not a second glance from me will he ever recieve.


Bee tee dubs. Like the new picture? I made it myself. Chirps. I got it off of Google. Had you fooled though, eh? I don't know what it means.

Brothers and Sisters

That's it, just like I said. If "drown 'em" doesn't say seven goals for, then I don't know what does. Keep it up, les boys. Chicago owns the cup this year. Screw Hossa's rep.
Did you see what I did there? I gave him regular s's. Instead of, you know, the ever continuously used money symbols. Hint: ($$) ...Know why? Because either way, whether we go down in history or not, he is a part of this team. There isn't anything we can do about it at the moment. So, we're just going to have to accept the fact that he wears our colours, and suck it up. We don't like you, Hossa, but you're family now. We're winning this cup, whether or not you come along for the journey. "We overcome adversity."

Can I call you Marian?

You Are So Worth It

So. I think...Chicago needs to not let Philly tie up the series. It's too late to change that now, but hell, let's try and keep their wins to a minimun, kay boys? You didn't work this hard all season to make it all the way here and then let the Flyers take your cup. Hear that? Your cup. This is your year, boys. This is your time. You are so worth it, you are so god damn worth it.* Best of three series starts now.

"Drown these fucking rats."**

Hawks in 6.


*Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby, OFSAA gold medal game vs. Barry Central, Markham, ON, 10:00 a.m, June 5th, 2010.

**Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby 2010, regular season game vs. St. Pete's, ahead by one point at the start of the second half.

From Bulk to...

If anyone can find a more suitable nickname for a more deserving candidate than 'Big Buff', please, let me know. Because whoever came up with Dustin Byfuglien's nickname is a genius.

So, Philedelphia will not be swept. No matter. We'll dispose of them soon enough. No panic necessary.

Check out this video. It made me cry. It's like, touching. It touches your soul.

No words.