Max

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/sports/penguins/s_745080.html

This made me cry. Highlight: the Geno text. Tears. Must read. Now.

Moments That You Don't Want to Remember

Max Talbot....got....traded. To the....Flyers. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

Thrills

Watch this video and tell me it doesn't make you fucking antsy bout the Winter Classic.

Pens/Caps Thriller

Well done, NHL. This is one good move. Pittsburgh vs. Washington for the Winter Classic is pure genius. Too bad Sergei isn't going to be there to enjoy it. Let's read up on what Maxy thinks about this whole thing, hmm?

I've got this thing on audio and in writing, so y'all can have the full experience because let me tell you, this thing is epic. This, right here, is why we love Maxime Talbot. This is why.

While the NHL season does not get underway for another two months, one of the hottest rivalries has already begun to heat up.

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Max Talbot began a war of words with Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin on Tuesday while Talbot was promoting the upcoming 2011 NHL Winter Classic between the Pens and Caps at Heinz Field on New Year's Day.

While doing a promotional interview on Pittsburgh Radio Station 105.9 The X, Talbot said that Ovechkin was a "real douche" and continued to stir the pot with more statements of how much he dislikes the two-time Hart Trophy winner.

"I just hate the guy," Talbot told The X on Tuesday. "I can't lie. Sorry. Even more so for a guy like Ovechkin. Like, seriously, okay...yeah. I don't like him."

As the radio hosts continued to egg him, Talbot admitted that he immediately disliked Ovechkin the first time he met him.

"The first time I met him, actually, when I met him off the ice," Talbot told The X. "You hear a lot of stories about a guy, but sometimes they're not true. You hear of guys who are not good guys, and you're like, 'Yeah, okay, I'll give the guy a shot.' The first time I met him, let's say he didn't give the best impression to me, so better reason to hate him even more."

Talbot also stated that he continued his hatred for the Russian sniper during a subsequent encounter.

"I was actually at the NHL Awards last summer with (Evgeni) Malkin, and we brought the Stanley Cup over there after the season," Talbot told The X. "Malkin knew Ovechkin, and introduced me to him, and the first impression wasn't great. I'm not really gonna say what happened, but I'm like, 'Ok, this guy is a real douche.' "

While Ovechkin has yet to respond, this is just the latest chapter in the immensely entertaining rivalry between two of the best teams in the NHL's Eastern Conference.

You make my life, Superstar.

Club Shifting Style

Sergei Gonchar. We got him.

I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now into words, because Gonch was a Pen at heart, and I don't really know how he's going to feel about the transition. I love the Penguins, so I don't know if I'm sad that he isn't playing for my favorite team anymore or extatic that he'll be living in the same town as me for the next 3 years. I don't know how to feel. I guess I could feel angry, at Pittsburgh, because they didn't have the guts to re-sign him quickly enough. Because now LeSwoon is without a mentor, and Geno is without a shoulder to lean on. What is he going to do? Did anyone ever think about that, huh, when they decided that Sergei was too expensive to re-sign? Did anyone think about Evgeni? What's going to happen to him? How's he going to survive without his Russian padre to help him out? Sure, he's got Max now, but he's French. Geno can't speak French. And he can't learn another language now, things have been so hard on him already... I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? This is a good thing. At least we didn't make a trade. Volchenkov for Gonchar, I don't know how that would've worked out. The Pens just lost their best defenseman, and now they have no one. They need someone, soon. But for now, we can bask in the glory of our new found greatness. Didn't I tell you off-season was fun?

The Wonder That is 26

I'd like to wish a rather bitter-sweet birthday to our favorite womanizer, Mr. Maxime Talbot. He is turning 26, and it is bitter-sweet in the sense that most hockey players tend to settle down and get married at that particular age. Jason Spezza, Colby Armstrong...those are just a couple of the numerous players who had decided to wed their spouces at the wonderfully aged year of 26. The years up to 26 are supposed to be your "party years", the days when you spend your time not worrying too much about anything expect for having fun and consuming way too much alcohol. It's a fun time, I'll tell you. But somehow, and I don't know what does it, the morning after a man's 26th birthday, there is a change that occurs. Something happens inside their small two-track minds that causes them to finally think about settling down. They suddenly think they're "old", and that the proper thing to do once you become "old" is to find a averagely pleasant, nice lady and pop the question. Funnily enough, that one question is something those girls have been dreaming about their entire lives, and something the guys probably haven't even thought about once.

Birthdays are usually a very exciting thing for me, filled with happiness and gratitude and hope for the future, but not today. I really do not want Maxime Talbot to get married this year. Max finally realizing that his destiny in life is to not to hook up with every girl in America would be a catastrophe, to say the least. Sure, we always talk about how gross and pig-like he is for all of those one-night-stands that he is so well known for, but really, it's what makes him who he is. Max without a different girl every night is like superman without his powers. He has the cape, and yet he cannot fly.

To sum up: Max, there is no need to start considering marriage. Find a girl, go out on a date, maybe keep her around for a little while, but take it slow. I think you need a little bit of real relashionship experience before you go all "wedding bells" on us. You are not old. You are simply maturing.

Happy birthday. Make it the best night of your life. Hire yourself some nice ladies to spend some time with. I'm sure there are some genius pranks waiting for you back at your house. Just a gift from the boys. Have a martini from me to top it off.

SAY WHAT?!

I've decided to start a new segment here to celebrate the opening of our new design. It's called: "SAY WHAT?!"

I know. I totally came up with the title all by myself. So here's how it works: I take a seemingly normal picture, and then turn it into something somewhat comedic and humiliating. I've decided to use a few of my favorites at the beginning, since you know I love to make fun of them so much.

And here we go.

P-Kane and Johnny T:

Bobby-lu:

Geno Geno<3>

Scaredy-cat Ref:

The Great Eight:

Mad Maxy:

Thank you, radom slutty fan. You have granted us the gift of laughter.

Sorry honey, we are not laughing with you:

Cappy Sid Vicious:

Dumb Ref impersonating Denis from SlapShot:

Flower:

J Staal:

ZOMG

Guys, big big big news!

First of all, Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night! Yay! I cannot get over my obsession for that show.

Second, and more importantly, the Pens are in town! They're playing Ottawa tomorrow night, and that means that they flew in today. Can you imagine? Geno is probably begging Gonch to drive him to Fratellis at this exact moment so he can load up on the best Spaghetti in town before the game tomorrow. Jordan Staal is probably planning a sneeky date with one of the Ottawian puckbunnies that he has on speed dial in case of emergency. Because it's true, all hockey players do cheat. Even if they're in love. Kris is probably beginning his pre-game day ritual by combing his gorgeous Sex Hair exactly 100 times. Soon he will remember that he can no longer do that, because he chopped it all off and there is nothing left. But I'm not bitter. Sid is probably sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hotel room repetedly chanting his always faithful maintra: "I am The Next One. Mario will always have my back. I will not cry at the game tomorrow. Colby still thinks of me as much as I think of him. I will show absolutely no emotion in any of my interviews. Ovechkin is a loser. I will not cry at the game tomorrow." And Max...well, Max is probably crying over the fact that he still can't play and filling the empty hole where hockey usually is by banging every chick in town.

On a happier note, tomorrow is also Patrick Kane's birthday! Happy 21st, Pat! Underdog Obsessed will buy you a beer for me, since I will be kind of busy that night watching Pittsburgh kick Ottawa's loser asses.

Oh, and one more thing. Siddo hoisted the Olympic Flame today. Well, he ran, while hoisting it. It was pretty epical. We were all really excited for him. All the videos were pretty crappy, so I didn't wanna disgrace the dignity of this blog by putting them up here, but you're welcome to go on youtube and search for them yourself. I'd turn your volume on low; the sirens are crazy loud.

Thursday is gonna be a big day.

Injured Reserve

If the injured player percentage continues spiralling down at this rate, there won't be any players left by the end of next week. It all began with poor Maxime, who had a shoulder surgery during the summer and wasn't expected to be back for four to five months. That was...three or four months ago, so not long left to wait!

Then Adam Burish got injured during one of the pre-season games, and won't be back playing for a while. That was pretty sad. I got over it. But then, low and behold, Sergei Gonchar. A broken foot. Out.

Not long after, Johnny Toews gets caught with his head down, and gets slammed in the middle of the ice. I almost cried when that happened; he went down right away, spun a bit, got up, took a few measly steps, and fell over again. I could tell he was embarrassed; he went straight to the bench. It was kind of funny though, on the bench they kept the camera on him, and his teammates and coaches kept coming up to him askin gif he as okay. There was no sound, but you could read their lips. After the first few, Jon was like, "Yeah, I'm fine," but then the more they came and came and came, he was all like, "I'M FINE, OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Yeah, I know. I laughed.

So, Tazer is out with a concussion or something. And then Spezz leaks out that he might sit a game or two because of "bumps and bruises", in his own words. He never ended up skipping any, until last night against Tampa Bay, where he said to be out with a back problem. The Sens didn't do too well without him, I'll tell you that. I hope he comes back soon.

Well, I thought that was enough injuries of my favorite players, don't you? Guess the Hockey Gods didn't think so. They decided, "Oh, Sergei Gonchar seems lonely, all injured by himself. Let's give him a Russian to keep him company!" So they decide to take my Geno. *tear*

If this keeps up, soon Sid and Ovie'll get hurt too, and then what'll those commentators talk about all game long?

The Injured Reserve

Maxime isn't going to play. I'm torn. Completely torn. I saw on the Pens web site a few months ago and a thing that said, "Talbot Undergoes Successful Shoulder Surgery". I didn't bother reading the article because I thought, "Oh, good, he'll get to play soon." But, NO! Apparently the recovery time for undergoing shoulder surgery is four to five MONTHS. MONTHS!!!!!! Can you believe that? I'm not gonna get to see Superstar play for five months! Dude, this is gonna be the worst season ever, what with Adam Burish gone and all...shit, I hate the Hockey Gods.




I didn't mean that.

Karma's a bitch

The first day of my new blog and the only thing on my mind to write about is the heart-breaking event that was game five. Lord Stanley would be ashamed.

Five zip. How often do you get to hear that mid-finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs? Flower, I mean really, three on your glove-side? And one in the 5 hole? I understand the blocker goal, but I blame Dan Bylsma for not benching you earlier. I love you man, but you were awful last night.

Maxime Talbot makes my life. If it weren't for him, I would have turned off the t.v right after the second. Pavel Datsyuk's first game back after a broken foot, and what does Maxy do? Skates right on over to him and gives him a big whack right on the foot. Ouch. Unfourtunately, it didn't do much for us, giving the Wings a two-man advantage with Crosby already in the box, and causing another goal on Fleury, but what the hell? Might as well give the media something to talk about. Datsyuk doesn't deserve to be on that ice, after missing the entire series. His hesitation looked to be house-league worthy.

Still, Pens, seriously, you've gotta step it up. Geno, stick to the puck. It's your spaghetti. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, bud. Don't let the cripple scare you. Pretend every single person in that crowd is Mama Malkin. Make her proud.

Also, Crosby, Zetterberg is supposed to be shadowing you, not the other way around. I know I have absolutely no right at all the judge you, because I have nothing but respect for you, but you're their captain. Their leader. If you were to jump of a bridge into a mile-deep pile of shit, the rest of the Pens would follow your sorry golden ass into that shithole. No joke. If you lose your momentum, there's no way we're gonna make it all the way.

Do it for Mario and the kids. They've housed you, man. They took you in when no one else would and you needed love and care. Do it for Colby Armstrong. Even though he's long gone now, he still believes in you, and was your roomate and told the press all of your embarrassing secrets. Do it for Geno. The only three syllable words he knows how to say are 'spaghetti' and 'atmosphere'. He's been working so hard to learn this alien language will Sergei Gonchar's little girl, and we're all so proud of him. If you were to look up the definition of 'perserverence' in the Russian-English dictionnary, you would find Geno. Do it for Jordan Eberle. He saved Canada in the very last seconds of our remaining dignity, when the most dedicated of canadian fans had lost all hope and were beginning to turn off the television or radio. Do it for all of Canada. We believe in you, Sid. Represent.

By the way, Max, your beard makes you look like a hobo.