Equivalency in German Coins

Apparently, Heater's equivalent in valuability is Marty Havlat, which is a prettybig honour in my opinion. This is because Dany Heatly was traded from the Sharks. He has been traded to the Wild. The um, Minnesota WILD. The newest team to enter the NHL, if we're discounting the Jets, which I will continue to do for a significant amount of time in the future until I become accustomed to the lack of Thrashers. I'm sorry, can we just take a second or two to absorb this new information...okay. I think I got it. Dany Heatly has been traded. To a really crappy team. And there is not a single thing he can do about it. This is where I cue in my meniacle laughter. Muah. Muah. Muahahahhahhaahahaha.

Max

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/sports/penguins/s_745080.html

This made me cry. Highlight: the Geno text. Tears. Must read. Now.

Moments That You Don't Want to Remember

Max Talbot....got....traded. To the....Flyers. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

Apollo

About a month ago, this is the post I began writing:

Fucking, goddamn Boston. I fucking hate Boston. They may be the team I hate most of all in the NHL at the moment. God. They think they can just swoop in there, defeat the Habs and then take second place right out from under Tampa, just like that? No!

Then, I thought about things for a minute. I went out for a run. I got a job. I now work in a library. It's a very calming work environment. I make minimum wage, but its better than 12 cents an hour making carpets and fake fur coats on the stinky streets of Boston.

...I mean India. Did I say Boston? Whoops. My bad.

Anyway, I'm over it. I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't even finish the game. I fell asleep, about halfway through the second. I didn't watch Boston win the cup. And you know what, I'm not ashamed of it. I am not a Canucks fan. And I am most definitely not a Bruins fan. So I've lost the will to care. Like I said; I work in a library. This year's playoffs ended for me after the first round.

Right now I'm more focused on the trades that have been going on. My ipod blares the TSN theme every time someone makes a move, so I'm right on that shit. My biggest concern at the moment would probably have to be the um...NIKITA FILATOV MOVING TO OTTAWA. Wait. WHAT?! Would you believe me if I told you I just discovered this now? NIKITA. FILATOV. Is coming to the Sens. WHAT THE FUCK? O.M.G.

Oh...kay. So that is officially my biggest concern. Oh my god wow. Okay. Calm self. Moving along. Second biggest concern. Ummm....hmm. Oh. Brian Campbell has been traded to the Panthers in exchange for some kid named Olesz. Sick last name, but to be honest I don't know who the fuck this is and imma miss the Ginge for sure. Poor Chicago defense. Oh, also Mike Richards was traded from Philly, and the Flyers got Brayden Schenn out of it, which is pretty cool. They also traded away Jeff Carter. Do I sense another Hawks catastrophe in the making? They did however acquire Ilya Bryzgalov, which is sick. Good move, I say. In other news, Tomas Kopecky goes to Islanders from Chicago...Oh, and most recently, Canucks traded Christian Ehrhoff for a 4th rounder. Ouch. Can you say slap in the face?

More news to come. Stay tuned. This is Al, signing off.

Nothing to Call This One I Think but Trades

Okay, so, let's review what happened during this eventful trade deadline day. Let's see now...

Um, oh, big news actually. Chris Campoli gets traded. But he doesn't just get traded. Oh, no. He gets traded to Chicago. Which means, I am so fucking jealous. You know he was probably just like sitting there all day thinking please don't trade me please don't trade me and then finally Brian Murray was like, "you're traded" and Campoli was like noooooooooo but then Bri said "...to the Hawks." And Chris Campoli was like YES! SCORE! I GET TAH MEET JOHNNY TOEWS!

Sergei Samsonov got traded to the Panthers from Carolina. Didn't he used to be good? Oh, and another big news. DUSTIN PENNER got traded to, wait for it. Ahem. Edmonton! (mini fit of delight). In exchange, the Kings got a first rounder, and a third round pick! W-O-W. Oh, and some guy named Colten Teubert, but he's not important.

Oh, Caps and Devils make a Jason Arnott-Daved Steckel switcheroo, which I'm not too sure I'm entirely happy about, considering I know nothing about either player or either team.

The Habs got a goalie, Drew MacIntyre. I...don't know why.

Um, kay. That's about all the trades of interest to me that have gone down. From my four predictions, three proved to be true. Pretty good, eh? First, Chris Philipps was not traded. Next, not a single thing was done about dear old Pascal Leclaire. I did actually say that he would never play another game in the NHL, which is yet to be decided. So I guess we can just count that one as half a victory. And then finally, Chris Campoli's trade made my "more Sens shall be traded" prediction a reality. However, I did specify for particularly Kuba or Lee...I think this one goes for three quarters of a point.

Right, so all added up, I got two and a quarter correct out of four. That's more than fifty percent, which is pretty dece, considering the majority of the hockey players in the NHL have an average much lower than that in their shootout rates.

Yeah, that's how my thinking process goes. Don't judge.

Trade Deadline!

Guess what? Today is the trade deadline! This is so exciting, I can hardly contain myself. My face is pink with barely controlled glee. I'm not being sarcastic. I know sometimes it's difficult to tell in writing but this time I am genuinely excited about this trade deadline. Know why? Normally, each year I'm not even aware that it's happening. But, BUT, this year, I have a TSN Trade Centre app on the ipod (his name is Allan), so I'll be getting alerts all throughout the day! Although, one problem may be that it blurts of the SportsCentre theme song every time there's an update, even if I have it on silent, which may be a problem considering I'll be in class...oh well. In sure my teachers will understand. And if not, well, screw them, they wish they had my super cool trades app.

So, my predictions are as follows:

Chris Phillips shall not be traded. I know I said he would be, but I don't know, I figure if it hasn't been done by now than it'll never be done. And besides, he isn't a free agent, which means he has that superpower that gives you the ability to say "No, I don't want to be traded there." In more litteral terms, it gives you the ability to be Dany the Douche. Boy, I haven't talked about him in a long time.

Okay, and also, Pascal Leclaire will never play another NHL game for the rest of his life. Yeah, I know, a pretty lofty prediction. But it's my gut. His injuries have ruined him. No team will want him, so he's going to stay on waivers forever and ever.

Next prediction is that more Sens will definitely be traded. Of these, I predict it'll be the likes of Filip Kuba and Brian Lee. But that's just me. Any one of them can go at this point. The ones that definitely won't be going are Alfy, Spezz and Karlsson. I'm not saying I'm happy about it, that's just what's going to happen.

Okay, final prediction: If any Pittsburgh Penguins get traded, I might cry a little bit. I know that's not really a prediction...well, I guess it is. I predict I shall cry.

We'll see after 3:00 p.m. today which of my predictions proved to be true. Enjoy the day everybody, happy apping!

Less Value Than Ruutu

K so not psychic but close. Not Philipps but Kovalev. For a seventh rounder.

Oh, yeah. And its to Pittsburgh.

Sign Rosie, Goddamnit

GASP! The Pens still haven't re-signed Ruslan Fedetenko! Hurry up, or you're gonna lose him! Come on, let's go, move it and sign that friggin' contract!

Tah Take Mah Mind Off Ah Yo

NO! No, no, no! This was not the way this was meant to go! What the fuck is wrong with everybody? The Pittsburgh Penguins have told Bill Guerin that they aren't going to re-sign him. What the hell? It's Billy! JESUS CHRIST!

Here are some vids to keep you company in this sad, sad time.

Team Kane vs. Team Toews

Blackhawks Cry at Movies

(Soupy has no soul)

Best/Worst Hawks Chef

The pics are roflcoptericious.

Sharp Shooter or Sharp Dressed Man

Some of my fav lines:

"I don't know what he's pointing at."
-Adam Burish

"He combed his hair with a porc chop."
-Troy Brouwer

"I like the gun."
-Brent Seabrook, ahem that is what she said.

"..."
-Andrew Ladd

And finally, "They both look good. Let the fans decide."
-Way ta step up, Tazer mah man.

Vinny Lecavalier and Marty St-Louis

My eyes were watering, I was laughing so hard for this one.

P Kane's Room

He is so fucking arrogant in that video, Lord. And everytime I hear him say "I need some privacy", I always think to myself, I hope you aren't gonna do what it sounds like you're gonna do. I'm sorry, that's just what pops up.

NAHA...Night Hawks?

I've been away at hockey in Vermont which=me unfortunately missing the most important month in the hockey off-season. Let me recap to you what has happened in August.


Sidney Crosby turns 23. This is fucking huge. This is fucking huge every single year.
And he just keeps getting hotter.

Ken Dryden and Brett Hull both age, as well as Bobby Clarke. Marty Turco, one of the newest members of our Chicago Blackhawks, also gets older. Today is Shea Weber's birthday, which to be honest, I don't really care about.

Soon to come, Carey Price turns 23 despite his unfortunate lack of success. On the 17th, someone named Pete Peeters will turn one year older. I totally respect whichever parent came up with that name. The Last Song also comes out on DVD on this day. On the 23rd, Mike Green and Jarkko Ruutu have birthdays and on the 29th Antti Niemi celebrates his first brithday as a homeless man. So sad, Chicago fucked you up. And finally, the last day of this wonderful month is especially special, so said because it holds the births of Jean Beliveau, Ryan Kesler, Scott Niedermayer and a guy named Blake Wheeler which is certainly quite an unfourtunate last name.

On NHL news, John Madden has been transfered to Minnesota. I don't even give a shit anymore. Patrick Kane had his day with the cup, and he did some shit in Buffalo and then at the Niagra Falls that made the papers, what else is new...ah! The Hawks re-signed Jordan Hendry. Who is the fuck is Jordan Hendry? Who knows. But apparently he was a free agent. And apparently they figured he was the priority the sign as oppose to oh, I dunno, maybe Big Buff. Or Even Niemi? Who knows. Who FUCKING KNOWS.

Another One Bites The Dust

I think it's funny how ridiculous this is getting. Adding two goalies to the list. Niemi, Huet both gone. Chicago had the opportunity to sign Antti Niemi, but they passed. And then they sent Huet to the minors. And then they fucking signed Marti Turco. He sucks. The Hawks have officially passed on to insanity. I miss when they had a good team.

Give It A Rest Already

They're debating moving Niemi.
THEY'RE DEBATING MOVING NIEMI!!

Chicago, what is wrong with you?

LMFAO

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLTEEHHEEHELMFAO

Kovalchuk had finally settled down.

HAHAHAHAHAHATEHEHEHEEEEROFLROFLROOOFLROOFFFLLLL

Ohmygoodness. This is the best thing that's happened all summer. Everytime I think about it I just burst into uncontrolled fits of laughter. Remember how Ilya Kovalchuk finally picked a team and signed a deal? Remember how the deal was for 102 million over 17 years? Haha. Well, Ilya's all happy and settled, and the Devils all breathed in a huge sigh of relief. Thank God, we got him. This long wait of tremendous suspense has finally come to an end.

And then the NHL pops in and says, "No, you can't do that."

BAJHAHHAHAHHAROFLROFLFRRLOOOOORLFFFORLFOAHBAHAHAHA

DEAR LORD. Apparently, the deal was in violation of some act or crap. They were like, you can't make a deal like that. And New Jersey was all, I checked the fucking act, and we aren't in violation of it. And then the NHL was like, dude. I make the rules here. I do not agree to this. Kovalchuk, you are now once again a free fucking agent.

And you know what Kovalchuk's agent issued out onto the site today as his opinions on the matter?

"No comment."

BAHAHAHKTEEEEALKFROALFORALALRRORLAALLAHAHFAHAHAHR

Kovalchuk Finally Makes a Move, Gagne to Bolts

There are two new changes to report. I'm going to use bullets.

• Ilya Kolvalchuk has finally made a deal. After about the longest wait of all time, special little Ilya has finally cracked a roster. They called it, "A Deal With The Devil". He's going back to New Jersey, the move everyone suspected he would make, but what we didn't expect was the monster deal he would conduct. 102 million over 17 years. Holy fuck. Those are big numbers. He's going to get paid until he's 44 years old. Can you say Chris Chelios?

• Philedelphia star Simon Gagne got traded away to Tampa. Whoo! I'm cheering because I'm hoping this will mark the beginning of the decay of the Flyers franchise. Simon sounded super duper excited to be a part of the Lightning, saying he was anticipating playing with the likes of Vincent Lecavalier, Steven Stamkos and Martin St-Louis. It's funny because Vinny didn't even play on that top line last season, and I didn't hear Ryan Malone's name being mentioned anywhere in there. No problem. Stammers' rep with help old Bugsy out. I wonder if they still call him Bugsy over there in the sunny place. They better. God, I miss when we had two Ryans on our team. We would call them "The two Ryans". *sigh*

Also, Jason Spezza's still in Ottawa, just in case anyone's still interested.

Shame On You, Ottawa Boo-Birds, Unhappy Spezza Doesn't Deserve You

**letter sent in to the citizen soon to come, Kristie Stewart, thank you, thank you so much**

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

Death...and All of His Best Friends

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I'm crying. I'm crying and yelling at my parents. Because on top of everything that's already happened, I've just found out that Adam Burish no longer plays for the Chicago Blackhawks. Adam Burish now plays for Dallas. The Stars.

I cannot even begin to believe this. The Blackhawks are insane. Add the Indian Burrito the their hitlist of lost superstars. Should I put this down on paper? All the amazing players that Chicago has lost? I think I will.

1. Andrew Ladd --Atlanta Thrashers
2. Kris Versteeg --Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Dustin Byfuglien --Atlanta Thrashers
4. Ben Eager --Atlanta Thrashers
5. Brent Sopel --Atlanta Thrashers
6. Colin Fraser --Edmonton Oilers
7. Adam Burish --Dallas Stars

Seven. Seven players. Seven incredible, amazing players that made up the team and now they're gone. What, you think your top line won the Stanley Cup all by themselves? You think Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp are the only forwards eligible to stay on your team? Because if I remember correctly, Sharpie wasn't the one playing on that number 1 line when your team won the thing. There was some other guy, kind of insignificant, I think his name was Bufflen...pronounced something like that. But he obviously wasn't a very important asset because you gave him away. They all obviously weren't very important assets because you gave them all away! The only person who you didn't trade away was Adam Burish, and he most likely walked out on his own because you had gotten rid of everybody else! Is that the deal, you win the Stanley Cup and then just get rid of everyone who doesn't have an annual salary of over 5 million? You don't have anybody left! How the hell do you expect your stars to get the goddamn puck if there isn't anyone there to pass it to them? Seven players. Seven players that you'll never get back. And I'll be willing to bet that you aren't done here. There are more players on your roster just asking to get traded away. You know who Atlanta is now? Chicago. Atlanta is Chicago because you gave them your soul. You gave them your essence and you didn't even ask for anything in return. The Thrashers and the Oilers and the Maple Leafs. Those are going to be the teams to watch next season because you helped them. You brought dying teams down from the depths for nothing. Nothing! Screw you, Chicago. You deserve another 49 years without the cup.

Toronto is Taking Over the World

Okay, I'm sorry I couldn't meld this all into one post. But I found this out about three seconds after I posted it, and I am too freaked out to add. Here's what happened: Toronto found lucky dust, or something, or they currently have a fairy godmother who is granting them three wishes and they've already used their first two. Because...ohmygod. Because they just recieved -no, stole- two of the most amazing people to ever set foot on NHL ice.


Kris Versteeg. Verbeauty. The wierdest, most amiable guy you'll ever meet in your life. Who just won the Stanley Cup with the Blackhawks. Who sang a song in front of the entire city of Chicago. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


Colby Armstrong. Our Colby. Who's heart belongs in Pittsburgh. Who married and actual decent human being. Who is not blonde. Is finally getting out of Atlanta, but is going somewhere much, much worse. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


This is the worst day of my life. They cannot go to Toronto. That is the bottom of the NHL food chain. You know what's going to happen to them there? They're going to disappear. They're going to fall off the face of this Earth because the Leafs don't have enough stamina to keep running at a pace that will force them to remain on the hockey tredmill of LIFE. They're going to die, and you'll never hear about any of them ever again.


And you know what Brian Burke said once he had added all those incredible people to his shit-face of a team? He's not done. He isn't finished. He's going to continue stealing all these wonderful men until there are none left for anybody else! This is a disaster.


Army, Verbeauty, go back. Get out. Go back to where you belong. Toronto will destroy you. Get out while you still have time! Stick together. The only way the two of you will be able to survive this is if you form an unbreakable bond of friendship. Stay together at all costs. Leave no man behind. If one goes down, you take the other one with you. This is your only chance for survival. Believe, men. You can get through this.

The Colby/Kris Memorial:





Now look at this picture and tell me you don't wanna puck your guts out for love for Colby.

Club Shifting Style

Sergei Gonchar. We got him.

I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now into words, because Gonch was a Pen at heart, and I don't really know how he's going to feel about the transition. I love the Penguins, so I don't know if I'm sad that he isn't playing for my favorite team anymore or extatic that he'll be living in the same town as me for the next 3 years. I don't know how to feel. I guess I could feel angry, at Pittsburgh, because they didn't have the guts to re-sign him quickly enough. Because now LeSwoon is without a mentor, and Geno is without a shoulder to lean on. What is he going to do? Did anyone ever think about that, huh, when they decided that Sergei was too expensive to re-sign? Did anyone think about Evgeni? What's going to happen to him? How's he going to survive without his Russian padre to help him out? Sure, he's got Max now, but he's French. Geno can't speak French. And he can't learn another language now, things have been so hard on him already... I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? This is a good thing. At least we didn't make a trade. Volchenkov for Gonchar, I don't know how that would've worked out. The Pens just lost their best defenseman, and now they have no one. They need someone, soon. But for now, we can bask in the glory of our new found greatness. Didn't I tell you off-season was fun?

Off-Season

I know you're probably very upset. Hockey season's long over, playoffs are done, and for those of you who were midle entertained by FIFA, that's winding down as well. The draft's been taken care of, and much to our chagrin, there isn't much going on anymore. Well, never fear, children. Some crazy shit can happen during the off-season. Remember last summer? The Dany Douchebag Heatley fiasco, and on top of that, the Habs went trade-crazy and gave away all their stars. Keep your eyes open, folks. The insanity (!) of free agency is about to begin. And who'll be there through it all keeping you updated? Yours truly. Happy off-season!

X-Weighted

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?!?!

The Hawks traded Byfuglien. They traded Big Buff! Not only that, but Ben Eager, and Brent Sopel! What the hell? The three of them are joining Colby in Atlanta, in exchange for the 24th pick in the draft. This better be a damn good son, because not just anyone can replace our playoff heroes. We also get a second round draft pick, and some shit guys named Jeremy Morin, Marty Reasoner and Joseph Crabb. Who the fuck are these people? And what gives them the right to take the spots of our men? These are our men!

Fuck the NHL. This draft better be good. If Taylor Hall does not go first, I will kill something.