Wait...WHAT?!

Today, I was leasurely browsing through some Hawks blogs when I came across some...rather frightening news. Uh, here it is.

Patrick Sharp got married.

Yeah. Now, here's the reaction I'm sure you've been waiting for. Ahem.

Um, WTF?! WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GET MARRIED???!!!! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP! I MEAN, I KNEW HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP (her name is Abby Banever, she's a blonde, obvi, I mean it's Patty) BUT STILL, IT'S SHARPIE! HE'S A PLAYER, HE DOESN'T GET MARRIED!! THEY CALL HIM THE UTERUS KILLER!! OH DEAR LORD HE'S MARRIED. PATRICK SHARP IS MARRIED, PATRICK SHARP IS OFF THE MARKET. Dear God, this is tragic, this is just horrible. I can't even believe this.

Right, okay, now that we've covered that, some other marriage news that might come as a bit of a shocker, but for a bit of a different reason.

Marian Hossa, yeah, remember him? He got married too. ROFLCOPTER. I know, right?! Laughing out loud right now. Who the fuck would marry him? His name is Marian. And on top of that, he like, loses Stanley Cups. Well, I guess not anymore. But God. Who in their right mind would marry Marian Hossa, seriously. This woman's got issues.

At least she's got legit un-blonde hair though. Not that I have a problem with blondes. I mean, they do have more fun. But I thoroughly enjoy it when hockey players take the high-road and actually do something different than the stereotype for once. I hate stereotypes. Can't work 'em.

Hossa you're a dork. We all mourn for Patty Sharp.

Catching Up On Some Birthdays

No one important was born today. Yesterday was a different story. Jack O'Callahan. If that name doesn't make you go 'Oh', then you should definitely consider re-watching Miracle a couple hundred times. You will not get bored of it. It was a great moment in history fabricated into a Motion Picture Production. I'm going to attempt watching Saving Private Ryan tonight. Wish me luck.

NO ONE GOOD WAS BORN IN JULY!

Cept, for Jonathan Cheechoo. Haha, remember him? That's one story to tell the grandkids about, eh? What a crappy birthday he must've had. I really don't understand what happened to him. He used to be so good! He once scored the most goals in the league, a few years ago. I don't get it. How do you go from being so good to being so completely suckish? I just doesn't make sense to me.

Things get better though. Trust me. Because guess who's birthday is on the 31st? Seriously, take a guess. It's Evgeni! Whoooooollaaaallaa!!!! He's growing up so fast. I really wanted to put up a super cool Geno montage for you guys, but I found some pictures. They may be from last season, but I just have to put 'em up. Because they're fucking killing me.

Ugh. But this isn't the worst of it.

And it gets worse.

Yep. There it is. You know, he doesn't really seem to be enjoying that, Russian hoe. There are people watching you! Can't you see the cameras? They're pointed at you! I'll bet she can. I'll bet she saved this immaculate display of afflection for the moment the paparatzi got there.

God. Happy birthday, Geno. Have a beer and a party hat on us, but you're paying for the porn star yourself.

Just wait until August. August is going to be GREAT.

Off-Season

I know you're probably very upset. Hockey season's long over, playoffs are done, and for those of you who were midle entertained by FIFA, that's winding down as well. The draft's been taken care of, and much to our chagrin, there isn't much going on anymore. Well, never fear, children. Some crazy shit can happen during the off-season. Remember last summer? The Dany Douchebag Heatley fiasco, and on top of that, the Habs went trade-crazy and gave away all their stars. Keep your eyes open, folks. The insanity (!) of free agency is about to begin. And who'll be there through it all keeping you updated? Yours truly. Happy off-season!