Goodness

GUESSWHOSBIRTHDAYGUESSWHOSBIRTHDAYGUESSWHOSBIRTHDAY IT IS TODAY!!!

I'll tell you. Jordan Eberle. Feel free to completely bask in the glory of this moment. It's 21. NBD

Thinking of You, Katy Perry

Whallahee Hoooooo!

Happy happy happy birthday Jordan, you are the greatest, we love you, you're 22, you're so old, you need to heal from the complications from your surgery so you can come out to the pre-season training camp and wow da whole world so you can step up to the plate for next season. Whoot, happy birthday, kick ass, make me smile, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night, lala la, whatever the fuck Mr. Uncle Kracker means by that song that always fucking gets stuck in your head all day long. Who the hell is Eric Hudgenson anyway. Did you know that Pat Monahan is the lead singer of Train? I didn't know that. His one attempt at a solo did pretty well for himself. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee...I miss the NHL. I go crazy during the summer. I hate the summer. The summer should exist during the winter so we can go crazy out on the ODR. You can't play outdoor hockey in the summertime, folks. Puck drops in so days, in the mean time we can oggle.

Hmm, eh? You can always admire a man with a fish. God.

Dance like a fool, forget down to breathe...

You make me smile.

The Greatest Countdown in the History of the Earth

Countdown to Jordan Staal's birthday: 5 days.

Here's To Michael

Michael Jackson would celebrate his 52nd birthday today. I can't believe it's been over a year since his death, it feels like a million years ago and yet at the same time it feels like it happened just yesterday. This one's for MJ, King of Pop.

NAHA...Night Hawks?

I've been away at hockey in Vermont which=me unfortunately missing the most important month in the hockey off-season. Let me recap to you what has happened in August.


Sidney Crosby turns 23. This is fucking huge. This is fucking huge every single year.
And he just keeps getting hotter.

Ken Dryden and Brett Hull both age, as well as Bobby Clarke. Marty Turco, one of the newest members of our Chicago Blackhawks, also gets older. Today is Shea Weber's birthday, which to be honest, I don't really care about.

Soon to come, Carey Price turns 23 despite his unfortunate lack of success. On the 17th, someone named Pete Peeters will turn one year older. I totally respect whichever parent came up with that name. The Last Song also comes out on DVD on this day. On the 23rd, Mike Green and Jarkko Ruutu have birthdays and on the 29th Antti Niemi celebrates his first brithday as a homeless man. So sad, Chicago fucked you up. And finally, the last day of this wonderful month is especially special, so said because it holds the births of Jean Beliveau, Ryan Kesler, Scott Niedermayer and a guy named Blake Wheeler which is certainly quite an unfourtunate last name.

On NHL news, John Madden has been transfered to Minnesota. I don't even give a shit anymore. Patrick Kane had his day with the cup, and he did some shit in Buffalo and then at the Niagra Falls that made the papers, what else is new...ah! The Hawks re-signed Jordan Hendry. Who is the fuck is Jordan Hendry? Who knows. But apparently he was a free agent. And apparently they figured he was the priority the sign as oppose to oh, I dunno, maybe Big Buff. Or Even Niemi? Who knows. Who FUCKING KNOWS.

Catching Up On Some Birthdays

No one important was born today. Yesterday was a different story. Jack O'Callahan. If that name doesn't make you go 'Oh', then you should definitely consider re-watching Miracle a couple hundred times. You will not get bored of it. It was a great moment in history fabricated into a Motion Picture Production. I'm going to attempt watching Saving Private Ryan tonight. Wish me luck.

NO ONE GOOD WAS BORN IN JULY!

Cept, for Jonathan Cheechoo. Haha, remember him? That's one story to tell the grandkids about, eh? What a crappy birthday he must've had. I really don't understand what happened to him. He used to be so good! He once scored the most goals in the league, a few years ago. I don't get it. How do you go from being so good to being so completely suckish? I just doesn't make sense to me.

Things get better though. Trust me. Because guess who's birthday is on the 31st? Seriously, take a guess. It's Evgeni! Whoooooollaaaallaa!!!! He's growing up so fast. I really wanted to put up a super cool Geno montage for you guys, but I found some pictures. They may be from last season, but I just have to put 'em up. Because they're fucking killing me.

Ugh. But this isn't the worst of it.

And it gets worse.

Yep. There it is. You know, he doesn't really seem to be enjoying that, Russian hoe. There are people watching you! Can't you see the cameras? They're pointed at you! I'll bet she can. I'll bet she saved this immaculate display of afflection for the moment the paparatzi got there.

God. Happy birthday, Geno. Have a beer and a party hat on us, but you're paying for the porn star yourself.

Just wait until August. August is going to be GREAT.

The Happy Days Gang

Whoever's reading this at the moment is very lucky to currently be a part of Loonie Engraved's first belated birthday! Whooooo!Today, we turn 1 year old and 10 days! Yipee! Have a beer and a party hat on us. And guess who I'm celebrating this wonderous occasion with? A very special man named Hugh Harris, who played one year in the NHL for Buffalo back in '73. He's from Toronto, Ontario, and he's also having his birthday plus 10 days today! So Hugh, if you're reading this right now, and you're still with us, happy belated birthday. And guess who has their actual birthday today? A couple of french twins named Maxime and Michel Ouellet. They're both goalies, and I know for a fact that they're both currently living! So here's a happy birthday to them as well.

Wow, this is such a great day. A guy gave me his phone number at the mall this afternoon. I neglect to inform him of my homosexuality.

Jokes.

Loonies and shit for everyone!!!!

A Day in the Life of an Italian Hockey Player

Happy happy birthday Jason. I didn't want to have to celebrate this, but, ironically enough, something showed up in the paper this morning that forced me to mention you once again. Apparently, you're getting traded. Hah. Imagine that.

"Happy 27th, Jay. We're going to have to get rid of you. Oh, and congrats on the baby."

LAUGHING OUT LOUD. It isn't a legit deal yet, though. Murray's just making some calls, doing some shit, trying to get Spezz the fuck outta here without hurting his feelings too much in the process. The problem is, I figure no one will want him much after the past two seasons he's had. Oh well. Guess we'll have to put him on wivers alongside the Cheechoo train.

This is a happy day. Sophia, good luck. Your father is a flop. More than that, he's a plug. A plug on the ice and a flop off it. I mean, he's an Italian hockey player. That's like, the biggest oxy-moron I've ever heard in my life! I predicted he would have a girl. Know why? Because he doesn't have enough sperm to produce anything else. Know what's gonna happen? He's gonna introduce his little princess into Timbits hockey at the age of four, and she's going to play her entire life and never make it past house-league. The Spezza family does not have enough jeans in their pants to make even a decent female hockey player. Jason will be on cloud 9 for about a year after young Sophia Donna was born, and then he will come to realize the potential of his sorry life, or lack of, rather. He will get traded, he will get benched on his new american team, he will go his whole life without ever winning a Stanley Cup and his loving family will end up aimlessly forgotten in the book of life. Some day, maybe 10, 15 years from now, in Hockey Night in Canada, Don Cherry will look at Ron, both old and grey and living life to its fullest without any regard for the consequences and be like, "Hey, remember this guy?"

Denial

Taken from the Ottawa Citizen on June 11th, 2010:

Jason Spezza a Proud Papa of a Baby Girl

OTTAWA — Jason and Jennifer Spezza are the proud parents of Sophia Donna, the Ottawa Senators confirmed Friday.

The baby girl was born June 8 around 11 p.m. Thursday at St. Joseph's Health Centre in Toronto.

No other details were immediately available.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Jason Spezza anymore?

I lied.
He turns 27 tomorrow.

Bastardo!

Jordan Eberle turned 20 yesterday. Whoopteedo. I would put up a super montage of Messiah pics for you, but to tell you the truth, I'm just too goddamn depressed about the Habs. They just lost 6-0 to Philedelphia. Philedelphia! My theory is, Philly is simply riding a high from winning 4 straight over Boston. It'll pass, and so will Montreal's current need to do everything on their own. There's a reason that there's five other people out there on the ice with you, Camelleri, Gomez. Maybe you should consider taking advantage of them. You did it against Washington and Pittsburgh, why not the Flyers? They suck. They were singing the Olay Olay Olay Olay Olay song tonight. That's Montreal's song! We invented that song! You can't just steal it from us and then use it against us in your own arena. That's bullshit. It's a little early for goodbye songs if you ask me, anyway. There are still six games left in this series, and we intend on using every last minute of them. And then we'll be the ones singing goodbye. Bloody fucking bastards.


Geez. I just got pretty angry there. It's gotta be Philedelphia. It's their fans. They're just so...mean. Geno said it best: "I think Philedelphia fans its...its not good fans because its...its...when sit bench its popcorn, its...my head, its...not good."
He always did say it best, though, didn't he.

22 is the Sex Year

Guess what day it is?? I'll tell you. Today is that day that Jonathan Toews turns 22. Not even kidding. Surprised at how old he is? So am I. You should've seen us last year, when he became legal. Crazy times if I'd ever seen any.

In recognition of Tazer, I'm gonna show you guys this video. I first saw this video a year ago, pretty damn close to the eve of his last birthday. I've neglected to show it to you sooner because, well...it makes me pretty angry, to tell you the truth. You see, I used to go to this french school. And I had this teacher.

His name. Was Racine. And he was bald. And not even like, that disease that causes you to lose hair or something. He fucking shaved his own goddamn head. You know how I know this? On Halloween, he dressed up as a king or some shit, and he thought it would go with the costume to have some peach fuzz or whatever. Well, he had the peach fuzz alright. On his chin, and his head.

Gross. I know. But that wasn't the worst thing about him. He was just so fucking...you know? I can't even explain. He wasn't human. He told us his sister was his girlfriend to cover up his homosexuality. Enough said?

But it was his accent that bothered me the most. Like, he had the most legit friend accent I've ever heard in my life, just like overpronouncing every fucking word and shit. It just made me wanna rip my own arm off just so I could have something to throw at him*. It was just Johnny T's goddamn french accent in that movie that made me want to fucking punch him the face and stuff those frog legs down his goddamn francophone throat.

I'm so sorry, Tazer. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I love you, but you, sir, are a douchebag francophone. Please don't make me ever repeat that again for as long as I live.

Happy birthday.


*I can't take credit for that line. I completely stole that from FRIENDS. Joey, thanks for that one. I swear that this won't be the last time I use it.

The Wonder That is 26

I'd like to wish a rather bitter-sweet birthday to our favorite womanizer, Mr. Maxime Talbot. He is turning 26, and it is bitter-sweet in the sense that most hockey players tend to settle down and get married at that particular age. Jason Spezza, Colby Armstrong...those are just a couple of the numerous players who had decided to wed their spouces at the wonderfully aged year of 26. The years up to 26 are supposed to be your "party years", the days when you spend your time not worrying too much about anything expect for having fun and consuming way too much alcohol. It's a fun time, I'll tell you. But somehow, and I don't know what does it, the morning after a man's 26th birthday, there is a change that occurs. Something happens inside their small two-track minds that causes them to finally think about settling down. They suddenly think they're "old", and that the proper thing to do once you become "old" is to find a averagely pleasant, nice lady and pop the question. Funnily enough, that one question is something those girls have been dreaming about their entire lives, and something the guys probably haven't even thought about once.

Birthdays are usually a very exciting thing for me, filled with happiness and gratitude and hope for the future, but not today. I really do not want Maxime Talbot to get married this year. Max finally realizing that his destiny in life is to not to hook up with every girl in America would be a catastrophe, to say the least. Sure, we always talk about how gross and pig-like he is for all of those one-night-stands that he is so well known for, but really, it's what makes him who he is. Max without a different girl every night is like superman without his powers. He has the cape, and yet he cannot fly.

To sum up: Max, there is no need to start considering marriage. Find a girl, go out on a date, maybe keep her around for a little while, but take it slow. I think you need a little bit of real relashionship experience before you go all "wedding bells" on us. You are not old. You are simply maturing.

Happy birthday. Make it the best night of your life. Hire yourself some nice ladies to spend some time with. I'm sure there are some genius pranks waiting for you back at your house. Just a gift from the boys. Have a martini from me to top it off.

Steeeeeven

I believe yesterday was the birthday of Steven Stamkos.

I believe he is currently playing on the top line of the Tampa Bay Lighting.

Between Martin St-Louis and Ryan Malone.

A former penguin, I should mention.

I believe Steven Stamkos has one of the hardest and most accurate slap-shots in the NHL.

I believe he scores quite a bit.

Perhaps a goal a game.

I believe he is way too young to be as good as he is.

I believe he deserves a beer from me on his belated birthday.

Maybe two.

Happy birthday, dear Steven.

I believe you'll do great things.

If you don't aw at that, you're stone.

His stick is taller that he is, for crying out loud.

A Forgotten and Somewhat Insignificant Man

Oh, yeah.
Today was also Don Cherry's birthday. I'm not gonna tell you how old he is.

Have a good one, Grapes.

Sorry, Tyler

Hey, Tyler Myers. You know you're very important to me. But, to tell you the truth, I didn't even know when the fuck you're goddamn birthday was. I'm so sorry. Here's to a belated twentieth, I hope you win rookie of the year.

He doesn't really seem to mind that I forgot his birthday. I hope he got drunk out of his mind and made a complete fool of himself in front of a bunch of dumb blond chicks who don't really give a shit one way or another as long as they get to say they fucked Tyler Myers on his birthday to all their slutty little friends who hang out at the clubs every night hoping to randomly bump into a hockey player and ruin his life.

Birthdays in January

Okay, that only worked for a little bit. Now I'm nervous again. Here are all the January birthdays that have yet to happen.

January

6th: -Adam Burish. Ah, the Indian Burrito. How I love you so, and your pranks. You are one of the funniest men alive, disincluding Dane Cook and Russell Peters. I hope you get to play again soon.
-Richard Zednick. He used to be my favorite player on the Habs a while back. Remember when he got his throat sliced by a skate? Look it up, it's pretty insane.

7th: -Alex Auld. Only because I feel like you deserve I little recognition. You were an average goalie. This does not make me a Sens fan.
-Cody Bass. Neither does this.
-Donald Brashear. You kick ass. All players are afraid of you when you step onto the ice. You're a beast. Learn how to skate, and you'll be even more of a threat.
-Morris Titanic. I don't know who the hell this guy is, I've never even heard of him before, but his last name is epic.

9th: -Radek Bonk. A former Hab, a former Sen.
-Bruce Boudreau. The coach of the Washington Capitals. He does a great Ovei impression: "I SWEAR TO GOD!" Haha. It's also really funny when his face turns purple. He is so cute!
-Rob McClanahan. Another Miracle veteran. He was the one who got his knee messed up but was forced to play anyway, and kicked ass while limping. Try to do that, it's not easy.

12th: -Tim Horton. Has given coffee and donuts to Canadians everywhere. Americans, you know you're jealous.
-Marian Ho$$a. You so do not deserve to be born on the same day as someone who makes such good pastries.

13th: -Nikolai Khabibulin. Also known as the Bulin Wall, won the Stanley Cup for the lightning not too long ago.
-Mike Rupp. A Pen, so naturally, he is loved. He ranked pretty low in my Beauty Pageant though.
-Marc Staal. You know, you'd expect the 13th to be a bad day. It's quite the opposite in this case. I rather do like this day.

16th: -Matt Duchene. Third one picked in this year's draft, I believe. Will do well.
-Brenden Morrow. He was picked for the team Canada this year, although I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because of all his conections. Did you know that he's married to ex-Habs coach Guy Carbonneau's daughter?

17th: -Jeremy Roenick. That big mouthed bastard. I liked him better before he retired.

18th: -Ruslan Fedetenko. A Pen. I love him. And his crazy voice.
-Brian Gionta. Another new Hab on the block, and another one who ain't doing too badly.
-Mark Messier. I had no words for you, my friend. Your bald head is a miracle of it's own.
-Alex Pietrangelo: One of our Baby Canada Superstars. He's gonna win us the gold. See? I'm getting more positive by the minute.

19th: -Mike Komisarek. A former Hab, now a Leaf. It must be wierd switching rival teams.
-Ian Lapperiere. He tried to pick a fight with Matt Carkner in the game on Sunday. Matt Carkner said no. That's the only reason I know his name.

21st: -Dany Heatley. The douche-bag. You don't deserve to have a birthday.
-Jonathan Quick. How cool must it be to have a last name like that? Too bad he plays for Chicago, Adam Burish must have fun calling him Quicky.
-Georges Vezina. Pretty famous goalie, as an award for the best goalie was named after him. Funnily enough, my fifth grade English teacher was his daughter. That's right, I have connections.

22nd: -Shean Donovan. This does not make me a Sens fan. This does not make me a Sens fan.
-Elmer Lach. He played with Maurice Richard for the Habs back when they were the greatest hockey team in the world.

26th: -Wayne Gretzky. Hmm. He has official dissapeared off the face of the earth. I wonder if he'll show up to the Olympics.
-Fred Barrett. My home arena is named after him. He must've donated money or something, because I never heard he was a good hockey player.

27th: -Patrice Brisebois. A former Habitant. He was actually good back then.

29th: -Dominik Hasek. There was a time when he was considered the best goalie in the world. Oh, how time flies.
-Mark Potvin. Another one of the arenas I play at is named after him. Ever heard of Potvin Arena? If you blink, you miss it.
-Pat Quinn. Ah, Patty. So old, and yet so full of life. My question is why in the hell would they choose him to coach team Canada? Have they not learned anything by how bad his team is doing? The Oilers are last in the league. LAST!

Birthdays in December

Okay, I'm really nervous, so I need to take my off of the finals. I've decided to tell you all the birthdays in December that I missed. All of them. Well, only the ones worth mentioning. I'm not that nervous.

December

1st: -Ryan Malone. A former Penguin. He has tattoos all over his chest and arms. He is hilarious.

3rd:-Igor Larionov. The father a certain someone who has made her rounds with a few well-known Russians that we hear about every so often.
-Mike Ramsey. One of the players on the 1980 USA Olympic team, you might remember him from Miracle, when they defeated the Soviet Union in the final for the very first time. What a guy, he is well remembered.

7th: -Georges Laraque. A tough hit-man for the Montreal Canadiens. A former Pen, who's only off-season exercise is some muscle-clentching yoga.

8th: -Drew Doughty. Ah, Drew. The youngest guy ever the make the Canadian Olympic team, I think. I don't suspect he'll play.

11th: -Daniel Alfredsson. Now we know the secret to his number.

13th: -Sergei Federov. A now retired former Capital.
-Bob Gainey. A failure as a Habs GM, a failure as a Habs coach, and now, once again, a failure as a Habs GM.

20th: -Andrei Markov. He's got one of the 'A's for the Montreal Canadiens. Everyone thought he was going to be captain after Koivu and everyone left.

21st: -Petr Sykora. Ah, how we miss you so in Pittsburgh. I'm naming my dog after you. Little Buddy Sykora will be his name.

23rd: -Scott Gomez. He replaced Kovalev on the Habs, and we all thought it was a crappy deal since he sucks ass, but it turns out he isn't half bad. It's nice when some things turn out in your favor once in a while.

27th: -Patrick Sharp. Sharpie. The Uterus Killer. He helps ol' Burish out in his continuous pranks against the youngsters on the Hawks squad, and we love him for it. He also happens to be conviniently good-looking.

28th: -Terry Sawchuk. Brodeur has destroyed you, and all your little records too.

29th: -Filip Kuba. I just felt I should put his name up here, you know, cuz I live in Ottawa, and he's a moderately good defense. This does not mean I am a Sens fan.

ZOMG

Guys, big big big news!

First of all, Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night! Yay! I cannot get over my obsession for that show.

Second, and more importantly, the Pens are in town! They're playing Ottawa tomorrow night, and that means that they flew in today. Can you imagine? Geno is probably begging Gonch to drive him to Fratellis at this exact moment so he can load up on the best Spaghetti in town before the game tomorrow. Jordan Staal is probably planning a sneeky date with one of the Ottawian puckbunnies that he has on speed dial in case of emergency. Because it's true, all hockey players do cheat. Even if they're in love. Kris is probably beginning his pre-game day ritual by combing his gorgeous Sex Hair exactly 100 times. Soon he will remember that he can no longer do that, because he chopped it all off and there is nothing left. But I'm not bitter. Sid is probably sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hotel room repetedly chanting his always faithful maintra: "I am The Next One. Mario will always have my back. I will not cry at the game tomorrow. Colby still thinks of me as much as I think of him. I will show absolutely no emotion in any of my interviews. Ovechkin is a loser. I will not cry at the game tomorrow." And Max...well, Max is probably crying over the fact that he still can't play and filling the empty hole where hockey usually is by banging every chick in town.

On a happier note, tomorrow is also Patrick Kane's birthday! Happy 21st, Pat! Underdog Obsessed will buy you a beer for me, since I will be kind of busy that night watching Pittsburgh kick Ottawa's loser asses.

Oh, and one more thing. Siddo hoisted the Olympic Flame today. Well, he ran, while hoisting it. It was pretty epical. We were all really excited for him. All the videos were pretty crappy, so I didn't wanna disgrace the dignity of this blog by putting them up here, but you're welcome to go on youtube and search for them yourself. I'd turn your volume on low; the sirens are crazy loud.

Thursday is gonna be a big day.

Happy Birthday E Staal!

And for the third brotherhood birthday of this blog, I present to you (drumroll, please).... Mr. Eric Staal! A married man, E has just today turned 25 years old, and is beginning his first year of parenthood! Funnily enough, many of E's most favorite celebrations just happen to be centered around the same time in the year: his anniversary, which takes place on August 3rd, which just happens to be two days before my birthday, his brother Jordan's birthday, on September 10th, his just-over-a-month-old son's birthday, on September 22nd, his own birthday, today, and finally, Halloween. Oh, how those hockey players love to dress up.

Yeah. Anyway, not the point of this post. The point of this post is to wish Eric Staal the very best on his birthday. Dude, you're halfway to fifty. Enjoy this year. If you get one more puck in the ear, you won't even live to see your next one. Please don't die. We all love you too much.

And Another Thing

Yesterday was also Patrick Roy's Birthday. He was one of the greatest goalies, if not the greatest goalie of all time. He played his prime years with the Montreal Canadiens, a team you and I both know I adore with all my heart. Even though they are now so small and pitiful, there was once a time when their roster held players like Maurice Richard, Jean Beliveau, Ken Dryden and Larry Robinson. Oh, those were the days. Remember them well, Patty. Remember them well.

By the by, Patrick Roy never actually played with any of those guys, but he contributed well to the Habs' success, as did they, so I just thought I'd metion them in this post. Also, a little fun fact: Mario Lemieux and Patrick were not only born on the same day, but in the same year as well! October 5th, 1965 must have been a very happy day in the hockey world.