This is Serious, Folks

Vancouver beat Chicago 4-1 in game 5. Kevin Bieska, who I've just discovered is extremely attractive, scored two goals, making up for the fact that Vancouver's Sami Salo got hit with a slap shot in the midsection and got taken to the hospital for what is believed to be a ruptured testicle.



If you aren't puking right now because you're laughing so hard than I think I might have to kill you for lack of a decent sense of humor. Or maybe I'll just rupture your testicle.

It's A Predictable Future

Okay, so update. Some relevant information without all those uplifting comments and shit.

• San Jose won game 5, so Detroit=OUT and Sharks=moving on to Western Conference Finals. This also means that you should now officially ignore the Red Wings tidbit in the poll.
• On Monday, Boston has the opportunity to get rid of those pesky Flyers. They will win. You know, when asked who he thought was the most annoying player in the NHL, Maxime Talbot, without much hesitation I might add, said Carcillo and Hartnell, both belonging to Philedelphia. I thought that was pretty funny. Max was also asked which player he thought was the hardest working in the NHL, and he said Sidney Crosby. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
• Also on Monday, Pittsburgh has the opportunity to eliminate the Montreal Canadiens. They will not win.
• Tonight, the Hawks plays Vancouver. If Chicago wins, they will take out the Canucks and continue on the play the Sharks in the next round.

Okay, now for some wishful thinking. Montreal will win on Monday because they have more desire than the Penguins do. They will tie up the series and send it into game seven, which they will win as well. They will then move on the Eastern Conference Finals and play Boston, who will have beaten out Philedelphia because, let's face it, the Flyers suck shit. It will be an intense series in which Camelleri will reach a new level of domination and Chara will drop down half-an inch. The Habs will win that series in six games and will move on to the Stanley Cup Finals, in which they will play the Chicago Blackhawks, who will have recently beat out first the Vancouver Canucks and then the San Jose Sharks, both in 6 games. By this time, Jonathan Toews will have fully grown out his beard and will have perfected his Wolverine look. Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish will notice this improvement and will, without Tazer's knowing, enter him in a superhero look-alike competition, which he will win. Montreal and Chicago will battle it out for the Stanley Cup for seven long games, by the end of which no one in Canada will have any clean underpants left to wear. Much to the Habs' chagrin, game 7 will go to the Hawks, and Johnny will become the second youngest captain to ever hoist Lord Stanley. He will then be interviewed on the ice, during which he will say his youthful team did a "fucking great job", reminiscent of the time he won the world juniors. Montreal, crestfallen, will have a go at Stanley the next post-season, but will come up short, with Pittsburgh winning their second cup in three years. The Canadiens year will come next, though, with their captain Brian Gionta leading them to victory, giving them their first taste of playoff gold since 1993, adding a 25th cup to their collection. This will be their first and only cup of the decade, making a 14 year dent in their record until they win it again.

By this time, Sidney Crosby will have retired, and will have long admitted to his homosexuality. He will live a long and plentiful life, happily married to a skinny man named Ryan with two cats and a beach house in Miami.

Humiliation

7-1, bitches.

Cross-Continental Affairs

WHAT DID I SAY? WHAT THE FUCK DAY I SAY?!

HABS. IN. 6.
WHOOT!

The best of three series starts now, ladies and gents. This'll be one for the books. For the rest of your life, you'll be able to say you saw the day the Montreal Canadiens, the last placed seed in the playoffs, beat off both the number one team in the league and the defending Stanley Cup Champions. You'll be able to say you witnessed history on that day. And you know who you'll say predicted this outcome? Yours truly over here, overjoyed with tears flowing down her cheeks. I just found out what candid means. This, is candid.

Three games remain possible in this series. The outcome: a mystery.

And to everyone who thought San Jose pulled a total "I am currently the shit" move and would sweep Detroit in four, take another look at that scoreboard. Because in the fourth game of the series, with the Wings down 3 games to none, the score currently strands 6-1. For Detroit. Who's the shit now, Sharks? Couldn't keep your legs under you long enough to take care of a team full of pot-bellied veterans, could ya now, Dany? Must've been all those affairs you've been having with the wives of all the Ottawa Senators. Cross-continental. All those flights back and forth must've really tired you out. Or maybe it was all the sex? I think your losing your touch, Douchebag.

Habs in 6.
Wings in 7.

Cartoons and Superheroes

They call him Shrek.

They think Evgeni Malkin, Geno, looks like Shrek. You know what I say to that? WTF, MATE! If anyone should be comparing anyone to anyone, it should be that Chicago Blackhawks comparing Jonathan Toews to Wolverine. Because seriously, nothing says made up movie character like side-burns over there.

Geno. Does. Not. Look. Like. Shrek.

This Is Our Time

2 minutes ago, the Penguins beat the Habs.
2 minutes, 15 seconds ago, Pascal Dupuis scored the empty net goal that secured them the win.

I hate empty net goals. And I hate how angry Geno has been lately. Every single thing that's call against them, he yells in anger. The puck got deflected off of someone's stick and up into the mesh, and he got so mad, I got scared. Someone needs to talk to that boy.

The series currently stands at 2-1, but I'm not worried. They'll get the next one. If they go into Pittsburgh to play their fifth game down 3-1, then I'll be worried. But not now. We can handle this. The Canadiens have not gotten even spitting distance to Lord Stanley in 17 years, which was the last time they won the thing. Pittsburgh's time, it's done. Montreal has this. They've got it. This is their time, gents. We know this. You know this. They know this. Now, it's just time for them to show it.

Habs in 6.

Magnifique

What did I tell you? I'm sorry, but I think I have to take some credit for this Habs win. Sure, Halak was 'Magnifique' and all, but I predicted this! I knew they still had it in them!

GO HABS GO!

Habs in 5.

What if Halak hadn't been 'Magnifique'?

History will be made. These videos make my eyes water.

Disapointing Loses; New Outcomes

Okay, I'll admit it.

The first game of that Habs-Pens series didn't go so well.

I mean, we were in it for the most part; they would score, then we would score, then they would score two goals and we would tie it up...but then they scored another two goals and we couldn't really seem to come back from that. And then there was that empty-netter. You know, I really hate emptynet goals. Know why? Because a game can go from being extremely close to not being close at all. It sucks. The scoreboard shows at the end of the game a team that was completely dominated by its opposer, when usually that wasn't really the case at all. I don't know if it wasn't the case for this game in particular, but still, my point remains.

We lost our first game 6-3. Halak got pulled after 5 goals, Price went in and didn't let any shots through until he got pulled for an extra skater. The first game is usually the most important game in the series, and could possibly set the tone of the outcome.
Example: Montreal's win in the first game of the Caps series.
Exception: Ottawa's win in the first game of the Pens series.

Things may look bad now, but don't fret, young Habs fans. I believe we can come back from this.

Habs in 5.


You know, I wasn't really surprised at the outcome of that game anyway. I mean, I expected Pittsburgh to come out strong. Crosby loves playing the Canadiens, remember? Something I definitely was surprised about was last night's game, Chicago vs Vancouver.

Yikes.
Jonathan Toews, 22 may be the sex year. But it is definitely not shaping up to be your year. I mean, 5-1. 5-1! This reminds me of my very first post on this blog, almost one year ago, when the Pens lost 5-zip to Detroit in the Stanley Cup Final series. Jesus. Step it up, Hawks. Really. This is your year to win it. Screw the Canucks. Stop thinking about your rivalry with them for just two seconds and worry about winning rather than punching someone's face in. Really, Chicago, I thought you knew better.

Hockey Is

I cried just now.
Know why?
I watched this commercial.
It made me cry.

Jesus Christ, Sid.

22 is the Sex Year

Guess what day it is?? I'll tell you. Today is that day that Jonathan Toews turns 22. Not even kidding. Surprised at how old he is? So am I. You should've seen us last year, when he became legal. Crazy times if I'd ever seen any.

In recognition of Tazer, I'm gonna show you guys this video. I first saw this video a year ago, pretty damn close to the eve of his last birthday. I've neglected to show it to you sooner because, well...it makes me pretty angry, to tell you the truth. You see, I used to go to this french school. And I had this teacher.

His name. Was Racine. And he was bald. And not even like, that disease that causes you to lose hair or something. He fucking shaved his own goddamn head. You know how I know this? On Halloween, he dressed up as a king or some shit, and he thought it would go with the costume to have some peach fuzz or whatever. Well, he had the peach fuzz alright. On his chin, and his head.

Gross. I know. But that wasn't the worst thing about him. He was just so fucking...you know? I can't even explain. He wasn't human. He told us his sister was his girlfriend to cover up his homosexuality. Enough said?

But it was his accent that bothered me the most. Like, he had the most legit friend accent I've ever heard in my life, just like overpronouncing every fucking word and shit. It just made me wanna rip my own arm off just so I could have something to throw at him*. It was just Johnny T's goddamn french accent in that movie that made me want to fucking punch him the face and stuff those frog legs down his goddamn francophone throat.

I'm so sorry, Tazer. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I love you, but you, sir, are a douchebag francophone. Please don't make me ever repeat that again for as long as I live.

Happy birthday.


*I can't take credit for that line. I completely stole that from FRIENDS. Joey, thanks for that one. I swear that this won't be the last time I use it.

Does Anyone Still Have Any Clean Underwear On?

Is. Anyone. Aware. Of. What. Just. Happened.


The Habs. The Montreal Canadiens, Habitants, Blue, Blanc et Rouge. Le vrai, 101 years.
Just beat out.
The Washington Capitals.
Just beat out.
Alex Ovechkin, the Great 8, the Russian Machine.

Does anyone remember what I've been saying ever since the playoffs began? I predicted this outcome. Don't even say I didn't.


HABS. IN. 7.


Holy fuck.

Playoff Mullets

**The video that'll start playing when you open the link is not the one intended for you to see. The one you'll laugh at until you puke is the video above it**

First step: Watch this video.

Second step: Watch the video again.

Third step: Show your friends.

Fourth step: When they don't laugh with you, take the computer away from them.

Fifth step: Watch the video for a third time by yourself.

Sixth step: Shake your head in pity and amusement.

Seventh step: Realize that this is why we love the Blackhawks so much.

Do I Really Wanna Rip My Heart Out, Though?

This is an exerpt from the Morning's Ottawa Citizen:


BABY NEWS

Senators centre Jason Spezza and his wife, Jennifer, are expecting their first child at the end of June.

They don't know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl and say they're not going to ask.

"One of life's last mysteries," Spezza said Sunday.


You're probably thinking right now that I'm gonna start ranting about what a ho bag Spezz and Smelly are now, because they're starting a new family. But you're wrong.

It's true. I seem to have moved past Giggles. See, the thing is, he keeps trying to get attention. Like, first, he and Dany Boy have a falling out, involving the entire league, and then he goes and decides to get married, right, and take up three FULL pages of the sports section with pictures of him kissing his wife at the altar. And then he goes and invents for himself a stupid laugh that he uses in the randomest of situations, forcing TSN and Sportscentre to replay the clip over and over again until they can't stand to hear it anymore. And if all that weren't enough, now he's knocked up his wife.

Is that possible? Does it still count as knocking up if you're married? Whatever. It sounds mean and sketchy, and that is what they deserve. Because they are mean and sketchy people.

But you know what, Jason Spezza? I don't care anymore. You can try and get attention all you want, but we don't care. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. For all I care, you can put a huge-ass photograph of you and your new family at the hospital with your naked new-born baby in your arms. And you know what else? No one will take a second glance. Hell, they might even turn away in disgust. In disgust!

So you better think, next time you wanna get attention. Think about the people who are actually gonna listen. Because I'm sure that in the end, those aren't the ones you wanted to hear you.

Post #104:

Backstrom scores 30 seconds in.

Habs in 5.

Make Me Shit My Pants, Why Don't Ya

Um, wow. Kay. Post #103:

We think it's going into overtime, the score being 4-4 and all, but then the Habs score another goal to make it 5-4. Then we're all happy because Montreal does a really good penalty kill, allowing almost not shots on net. BUT THEN. Washington scores with a minute and half left!!!!!! Oh my goodness, now the score is tied up at 5, and both teams are fighting frantically for the same goal only on opposites ends of the universe.

No one scores.
Now it's going into overtime.
I predict a goal from Camalleri.
I am sticking to my game plan.

Habs in 4.

#102

Hello, world. I have some very special news to share. This, here, what you're reading right at this moment, is my one hundred and second post. YeeuP. This blog has graced 102 posts. No joke. I wish I had realized this on my one hundredth , but I wasn't really paying attention, because I was too engrossed in telling you all about Tyler. Yep, it's true. My one hundredth post was used to enform you that Tyler Myers has a girlfriend. I think it was worth it.

And then my one hundred and first post was used to tell you that the Habs had won the first game of the series agains Washington, which was completely worth it, no doubt.

Pittsburgh, by the way, won their second game against Ottawa. Series is now 1-1.
Habs are currently tied 4-4 to Caps with 6:00 left in the third. Can you spell intense?

Livin' Dreams

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Right, well, I think that about sums it up.
My dreams are still alive.
1 down, 3 to go.

Habs in 4.

Many Beginnings of The Many Moments That Give You Heart Attacks

I. Just found out. Some. INCREDIBLE. News.

Do you wanna hear it?

It's about Tyler Myers.

Yeah. I thought you'd wanna hear it. So. Here it is.

As it turns out...Tyler Myers, someone we all hold very near and dear to our hearts...

Has a GIRLFRIEND!!

GASPGASPGASP

Was this your initial reaction?

...and then did it turn into this?

Yeah. That's how I felt. I don't know many details on the fact, but I have words from an undisclosed inside source that apparently she's a "piece of work". Updates will come later.

YAY

12:20: Gionta to Gomez, Habs score. 2-2. I feel like I helped.

11:55: Halak makes an incredible splits save to keep it tied up. Commentator calls him "Jarhav" instead of Jaroslav. Thanks for that one, Pierre McGuire. You better make him your monster, just because you flopped.

A Little Hope

It is currently 2-1 Washington with 15:46 left in the third. If the Habs don't win this one, it'll ruin my prediction for a sweep and I'll lose a 5 dollar bet with my teacher.


Score, Montreal. Score.

Lucky 1000

Yowza.
Guess what? I just took a look randomly at my hit count for the first time in months, and guess what I saw?

1000.
I think Alfie's trying to tell me something...

It makes me feel proud to think I was the person who gave my blog it's one thousandth hit. But theres no way it was me who looked at this blog 1000 times. I had some help. From you :)
Love you guys. More than life.

Seriously.

Not A Setback

Jesus of fuck.

Well, I guess you've all found out then.
Pittsburgh decided to lose their first game of the playoffs.
It would be an understatement to say I wanted to punch through a wall right now.
But no big. I have faith that they'll come together. They just didn't wanna embarrass Ottawa by sweepin' em. It's fine. They gave them the first one, but thats all. Build up their confidence just to send it crashing down. Its kind of mean, but hey. This is the playoffs. Anything goes.



Pens in 5.
Habs in 4.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back, Baby

Thank you, Patrick. You've just made our lives that much more enjoyable.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/13/patrick-kanes-blackhawks_n_536363.html

Smile, Love

Right, so we all know Jonathan Toews has the notorious nickname of Captain Serious on the Hawks. And we love him for it, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, just sometimes, we wanna make fun of him. Just a little bit.

This picture made me die laughing.

**Thanks to Micaela for showing me this. Spanish class is a lot more interesting when you've got your laptop facing me. It's because of you that I don't have a Twitter account. You keep me updated, and that's all I need. Love you.**

Lord Stanley, Give Us Your Votes

Have you guys seen the new votes we have going on here now? I think they're right about...here:----------------------------------->>>

You should really give your opinion. So far we've got over 10 votes, which is more than the last one I put up at least. This is a super intense question, though. Really makes you think. The TSN and Sportscentre analysists both think that Washington and Chicago are going to face off in the finals, which those of you who have voted have seemed to have agreed on, mostly. You also seem to think some random underdog might take the win. You never know. Pitt was an underdog a little while back, they were hardly even going to make the playoffs two years ago. There's always a chance. I think Phoenix is gonna give us all a run for our money. Not that they haven't done well this year, it's just that...you don't expect Phoenix to win. You just don't. It's some sort of unconscious thing that we all do. They finished pretty high up in the standings, and yet we don't pay them any mind. "Someone will beat them," we all say. And it's probably true. But you never know, kids. These years, things just keep getting wierder and wierder.

Shitting Bricks

Ladies and gentlemen; the playoffs.

Yes, they're finally here. All is done and decided, and, after a year of anxious await, we have our teams. Some of the results were suprising, yes, especially how the best of the brothers (E Staal) didn't make the post-season because of the shit team he's been stuck on, and how the "Bolts" didn't make it either even though they had a 50+ goal sophmore un-slumper.

But all is well. And do you know why? Because the Habs made it in. Yes, yes they did. Don't sound so surprised. I knew they were gonna make it the whole time. Sure, they gave us a few scares here and there, but hell. What's the regular season for if not for giving 15 year old girls heart attacks?

No, I didn't forget that Montreal has to play Washington. It's not a big deal. Sure, they're the top team in the world, but I believe in my Habitants. They can do anything if they set their minds to it. My prediction? A sweep. Habs in 4.

OTTAWA IS PLAYING PITTSBURGH! WHOOOOO! The Hockey Gods actually read my letter this year! I feel so proud. I'm going to one of their games. The fourth one, actually. I kind of hope the Pens sweep, so that's I'll be in the stands to witness Geno smile. That will make my entire life, I can assure you.

I feel bad for San Jose. They've scored so many goals this year that analysists have even gone to the extreme of saying that Joe Thornton might not even flop these playoffs because of his newly acquired personal douchebag (Dany Heatley). I laugh at those people. Once a post-season flop, always a post-season flop. Thornton has a notorious record for shitting a brick every time he steps on playoff ice. This isn't going to change. I don't even need to know who the Sharks are playing to be sure that they're going to fail miserably.

I don't really feel bad.

Sometimes There Just Isn't Need For Sharing

Jesus, Crosby. I know you're amazing and respectful and thoughful and generous as shit. But did you really have to share the Rocket? Christ. Steven Stamkos will have years of opportunity to win that thing. But this was your year! You win a Stanley Cup, you score the goal that won you the Olympics, you finally realize your homosexuality but decide to wait to come out of the closet in respect to the media and all those women out there who would choke on their own spit the moment they hears. This was your time. And you tied. You tied a sophmore! For the love of God, Sid.

We Have An Overpopulation On This Small Small World

Today was Roberto Luongo's birthday. Happy 31st, Bobby-Lu. Jesus Christ, you are much older than I thought you were. You've only got a few years left in you. Use them well, Loooooou. Win a Stanley Cup, how about. Wait, no. Not this year. This year it's time for Washington, and then the year after that Chicago will make it's run, and then the Pens will take it again. But the year after that, kay? You can hold on that long, can't you?

Pascal Dupuis is also turning 31 on Wednesday. Remember, he's the one for Pittsburgh who has permanent mascara and waxed and perfectly plucked eyebrows? At least he takes care of himself. He's having a good year though, and he wears the Rocket's number, so we respect him. He also plays for the Pens. So we love him for that.

We also love that he has twin dogs and an extremely sculpted torso. And that he's a father, and buys super cool swingsets for his kids. And that he got a tatoo to commemorate Lord Stanley. Well done, Pascal.

Brian Elliott and Alex Ponikarovsky have their birthdays on the Friday, turning 25 and and 30 respectively. Elliot, or 'Ernie' as da Sens call him, has held Ottawa (home of the Fat Cats) on his back ever since Pascal Leclaire completely flopped his role. We will be in the playoffs thanks to him. And Ponikarovsky used to be a Maple Laugh. Now he's a Penguin. He is liked much better now.

Sean Avery (!!!) and Dion Phaneuf are celbrating the day after that. Avery is congratulated on surviving 30 years on this planet, and, more impressive yet, 10 seasons in the NHL. He is known around the league as an agitator, and a pest. He is annoying and unsportsmanlike and hated by 66.4% of all the players in the NHL, but, for some strange reason, I like him. Don't ask me why.

BUT I will say that it's funny that he has the same birthday as Dion Phaneuf (turning 25), who was one of the victims of Avery's well-known 'sloppy seconds' comment. When Sean Avery made the comment before a game against the Flames, Phaneuf's team at the time, Phaneuf was dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert. Which is cool. I like how things like this link together.

And we all remember Avery's "distraction tactic" against Brodeur. Oh, Sean. There's just something about you. I don't want to love you. And yet I do. I can't help it. I hate everything about you. But I just can't help loving you.

SERGEI GONCHAR'S BIRTHDAY IS ON APRIL 13TH. WOOOOOOOOOO. He's turning 36. Now that, if you've been paying any attention, is old. Poor Serge. I hope he doesn't get traded. His contract ends after this season, and there's been some talk about a trade. It's some sort of money thing. But the Pens just don't understand. They need him. Screw the money. He is a leader. He is wise, and experienced, and loyal, and wonderful, and amazing, and adorable. I'm sure the forwards will be fine without him, but what of the D? He is a leader amongst those men. What will become of Kris LeSwoon is Gonch leaves? He'll crash and burn, I tell you. But he won't be alone. Geno (love) will go down with him. He's not grown enough yet to handle this cruel world all on his own. Help him, Sergei. Evgeni needs you.

Aww, right? Don't destroy this love.

Thumbs Up For The Youngins

Yes. Hello. I'm back. Did you miss me? Of course you did.

I watched a Sudbury Wolves Bantam AAA game today on tv. It was exciting for 4 reasons:

Reason #1: Tie Domi's son, Max Domi, was playing for that team. He is 15 years old, and is a major prospect to be a future NHL superstar. His playing style is almost the complete opposite of that of his father's, but he has the same body type: short and big. If the Hockey Gods give you that kind of body, you have two options: -Option #1: You become a thug, of the hockey playing variety of course, only brought out onto the ice on the occassion of knocking someone else's (or your own) teeth out. -Option #2: You become Sidney Crosby.
Thankfully, young Max Domi has chosen the most desirable path, yet much more difficult to attain. Our Sid is his role model, see. He shapes his game after him. Some loftly goals, I'd say.

Reason #2: Todd Bertuzzi's nephew was playing for the opposing team. Small world, eh? Indeed. Imagine being related to Todd Bertuzzi though on the eve of his near-deathening hit on that guy who I don't quite remember the name of. Remember, the one that like broken his back or something and made him never able to play in the NHL ever again? Yeah, imagine being related to Bertuzzi when that happened. "Son...I have some news about your uncle." Baha. Geez. Poor kid. He was pretty damn good, though. Had 3 goals and 3 assists going for him already in that tournament.

Reason #3: Marc Staal used to play for the Sudbury Wolves. So did Jared Staal. This is a very special team in my heart. The lucky bastards. Imagine an NHL team getting two Staal brothers. Wow. Major hearthrob marathon.

Reason #4: There used to be four reasons. Now I've kind of forgotten what we're talking about. So, for now, there shall only be three. But I will come up with a fourth. I promise you this. I will remeber.

IMOW: E Staal

This has been the longest period of time I've ever been so close to Eric Staal.



I'm starting to build a greater appreciation for him. Don't worry, Jordan's still my favorite, but Eric is ranking pretty high at the moment. They show him on tv so much here, it's crazy. They just did an hour-long segment of In My Own Words: Eric Staal. Best. Hour. Of. Life. I swear to god, my eyes did not leave the screen for one minute. He did the entire interview in his own house, and he wasn't wearing any shoes. Or socks. So he was just sitting there, talking to a guy in a suit and dress shoes, with naked feet. I admire him for this, somehow. It shows strength and integrity.

A Staal Update

Greetings from South Carolina.

I got to watch all three Staal brothers play in one day yesterday. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It was a life changing experience.

Jordan Staal is really hot. I've been noticing this especially lately. It's just the way that his hair is so smooth and wavy, and how his skin seems to stay just the right shade of tan even when he's on the ice. Alex Ponikarovsy's skin does this too. He is also very attractive. He is a wonderful new addition to our Pens. It's amazing that they managed to get him.

Eric Staal is getting too good. It's not right. He is speeding away from his brothers at an extraordinary rate. Its not that I don't want him to be good, really, I do, but it's all just happening too fast. Something happened this year that changed him.

Marc Staal is rapidly falling far behind. He was never truly as skilled as his offensive brothers, but at least he had some defending power. Now, he doesn't really do much. He doesn't connect passes too well, or catch them for that matter. He doesn't score, and he doesn't save goals. He hits people, but not as well as he used to. I blame his girlfriend. Did you know she's a supermodel? I think her name is Kat or something. She's foreign. Foreign and blond.

I miss Jared. He used to be good and full of potential. Now, he's fallen off the map. He no longer lives on the face of this Earth. He lives in...(GASP!) the AHL. Duh Duh DUH. I liked it better when he played on the same team the Marc used to. I feel bad for that team, kind of, though. They got the worst two of the four Staal bros. Unlucky sons of bitches.

Pitt won against Boston and Zdeno, Carolina won against Atlanta and Mr. Armstrong, and the Rangers lost to Buffalo and Tyler Myers. Pauvre, pauvre Marc.

How We Adore Our Fuzzy Little Creatures

The Pens call Pascal Dupuis "Dupper". I just found this out.

The Anatomy of a Girl In a Car

Here's a little fun fact:

Did you know that it takes 18 hours to drive from Ottawa to South Carolina?

I found this out today. I am currently typing this message from highway 95. I am on my way to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. I will be staying there for two weeks. It will take me two days to drive there, and two days to drive back. Therefore I will be staying there a week and a half. Over a quarter of my trip will be spent in the car.

I'm not complaining. I've been spending the past 8 and 1/2 hours discovering the hidden wonders of this incredible journey that I am making. During the time I've spent in the car so far, I've traveled closer to more hockey playing towns than I've been in my whole life. Let me take you throught it.

I left Ottawa and traveled towards Toronto. That was nothing new for me, considering I spent almost every weekend of my life in Toronto ever since I started playing hockey. However, this was the first time I'd been there since Dion Phaneuf and Jiggy Giguere were traded to the Leafs, and it made me feel kind of special to know I was so close to some guys who probably hated being there almost as much as I did.

After leaving the painfully trafficked streets of 6:00 a.m Toronto we skimmed near Buffalo, and I waved in the direction of Tyler Myers from my caged confiment of the highway. I don't think he was even there, but I believe he appreciated the gesture. He knows I care. Well, he knows I exist, which is more than I can say for some of the other people I waved at later on in this trip.

Hours later, I managed to wake up from my slumber just in time to catch a glimpse of the "Welcome to Pennsylvania" sign. This, I have to say, was a defining moment in my life. I was not aware that we would be passing through PA. I was not aware that I would passing next to Pittsburgh, but, I have to say, I do not regret it. I do not regret it one bit.

Now, I went to a Sens-Flyers game not too long ago, so my treak next to Philedelphia was not much of a big deal for me. It was slightly cool passing near the actually houses of the players, but I was tempted to ask my father to detour so I could through eggs at Chris Pronger's humble abode.

I mentioned I did not regret passing through Pennsylvania. This is true. What I do regret, however, was having to see the sign on the highway telling us to keep right in order to enter Pittsburgh. Also, having to watch as the sign slowly dissapeared into the mist as my father, my mother, my sister and I, unfortunately, kept left. I saw the fork in the road that could have made all the difference in my life. We had the choice. The choice to go left, or right. Left, leading us to our intended destination of South Carolina, excrutiatingly close to one of the most beloved brothers of all time, or right, leading me to what could have changed my life forever. I begged my father to take the right. I begged him. Unfourtunately, my father is not susceptible to bribery.

And now, here I sit. Momentarily, we are passing Washington. I am too distraught to care. They probably aren't even here. They're probably off kicking some team's ass. Cause that's how bauss they are. That's right. I just used bauss on the internet.

Oh, they are here. I've just found this out. I am a little more excited now.

You know what makes me sad? The Sens were actually in Carolina when I was in Ottawa, and they were traveling back to Ottawa when I am currently traveling to Carolina now. It's like we swapped. And it's kind of cool to think that if I had taken the goddamn plane instead of spending 18 hours cramped up in this honest-to-God Volvo, I might've met them at the airport. Yeah. That is a cool thought. But I don't like taking airplanes. Being in the air makes me angry.

I've decided to tell you this today because I am bored. I have nothing else to do. And now my computer's about to run out of battery. So I have to go now. Leave me to suffer on my own. I don't care. Here's a funny picture.

Yes. Yes, that is funny. If you don't get it you're a ho. Here's another.

This one was not as funny. But I'm bored. So take a third one.

That was a little innapropriate. I will admit. But I don't care. I get mean when I've been stuck in a car for a day and half straight.

6 hours to go.

As If

As if Jonathan Toews scored the first goal.

As if Corey Perry got a face-full of Ryan Malone stick.

As if he came back and scored minutes later.

As if USA scored and kept it to a 1 goal lead.

As if Canada held that lead for the rest of the game.

As if it wasn't actually the whole rest of the game.

As if Parise scored with 24 seconds left.

As if they completely pulled a Jordan Eberle crunch moment.

As if they stole that from us.

As if the intermission between the third and over-time was 15 minutes long.

As if the over-time period was a full twenty minutes.

As if they had to play four-on-four for a full period.

As if they kept us holding our breath for so long.

As if we scored.
As if we scored.
As if we scored.

As if SIDNEY CROSBY was the one who put it in.

As if it wasn't even a nice goal.

As if his mouth can open that wide.

As if he threw off his helmet.

As if we tackled each other to the ground.

As if we didn't even give a shit about being sportsman-like.

As if we didn't even give a shit about the USA crying in the corner.

As if we didn't even give a shit about anyone else at that moment.

As if 22 million people were watching that moment.

As if Sidney Crosby will forever be remembered for that moment.

As if Jonathan Toews was a part of that moment.

As if Eric Staal was a part of that moment.

As if the best goalie in the history of hockey was sitting on the bench for that moment.

As if that moment actually happened.

As if this all actually happened.

As if we made history.

As if it were in Canada.

As if we won.

Parties On Ice

I was actually in the middle of my own hockey game (kicking ass by the way) when I heard about the women winning the gold medal against USA. Our coach got the e-mail on his blackberry and called a time-out just so he could tell us the news. I'm pretty sure the other team had no idea why the hell we were wooping and cheering and high-fiving. But those women kicked ass. They went undefeated the entire tournament. They now have three Olympic gold medals in a row.



What scares me though is that Haley Wickenheiser won't be on the team next Olympics. She's been on that team ever since it was made. And I'm not even exagerating here; the Olympics didn't let women into hockey too long ago, and Wickenheiser was there right from the beginning. She's our captain, our heart and our soul. Canada's got a lot of depth, I'm not denying that, but it's sure gonna be a change to play an Olympics without her.



On a much brighter note, check this out. Trust me, you'll be happy you did. If anyone didn't hear about the way the Canadian women celebrated their gold medal after the game...well, Perez, the light shines on you. Thanks Micaela :) for supplying the link.

http://perezhilton.com/2010-02-26-canadas-womens-hockey-team-parties-on-ice

Great Things

What a day yesterday was, eh? A gold, two silvers and a bronze. We almost had a sweep in Women's Two-Man Bobsleigh (they should really consider changing that name), getting a gold and a silver. If only we had had a third Canadian group, then we might've knocked USA off the podium.

But we did get a bronze in Women's 5000 meter Speed Skating, with Clara Hughes in her final race of her life getting on the podium and setting an oval record in the process. Of course, her record was broken in the next two runs, but who cares? Everyone remembers the first guy who ran the 4 minute mile, not the other six guys who did it later that same week. We were the ones who opened the floodgates. And boy, what a flood.

And then we got another silver in short track speed skating Team Pursuit, in which we originally got third place but Korea, being the incredible cheaters that they are, got disqualified, bumping China up to first and us up to second. USA, who had come last in that race, got the bronze medal, which I think is extremely unfair, considering how far they were behind the pack the entire race.

All in all, yesterday=great day. And speaking of great things, how much of a great year is Eric Staal having? He lost to his brother in his push for the Stanley Cup last year, but that didn't seem to postpone the amazing time he was going to have next. First, he has a son. Yeah, big deal, I guess. And then he gets invited to the Olympic training camp, along with Jordan and Marc. And then he makes the Olympic team. And then the captain of the Carolina Hurricanes leaves, and he gets named captain. ...Right, so what have we got so far? Baby, Olympic, "C". Okay, and then, as if that weren't enough, he get's put on the top line at the Olympics between two of the best players who have ever lived, Jarome Iginla and Sidney Crosby. And then he produces. And now he's going into the semis. And then probably the finals. And if everything keeps going like it's been going for him, he'll have an Olympic Gold Medal to his name, right next to Lord Stanley which he won a few years ago.

Yeah, I'd say Eric Staal's having a pretty good year.

Bobby-Lou, Thank You. Thank You.

Canada did it. We did it. We defeated Russia. Bam.

Not that it was a close game at all, but I think it's safe to say I was on the edge of my seat the entire game, just waiting for Ovechkin to score three goals and tie it up. It could have happened. It's happened before. That man can put pucks in the net like the goal's a blond slut and the puck's his...yeah. But he didn't. Not then. He was hardly even there. But it doesn't matter. We don't care about him. We care about us. And how we completely humiliated the most skilled team in the world. I lost my voice that game, I was screaming so much. I was just sitting there, wearing my red believe shirt underneath my Letang Penguins jersey, bellowing my lungs out. Every goal we scored, the house shook, to say the least.

I cannot even begin to believe that that was the quarter-finals. It could have easily been the finals. It's not often that your quarter is more intense than your semi. We can't go and start under-estimating Slovakia, though. They beat Sweden. They beat Alfie. And the Sedins. That still blows my mind. But it doesn't matter. We'll take care those pesky Slovaks, and then we'll move on to humiliate the Americans and make them wish they'd never even come to Canada.

We are hockey. It's in our blood.


**Just a little side note in case some of you were wondering in the Canada-Russia game why, every time Robert Luongo touched the puck, they crowd errupted in a fit of boo's. And especially in his team's town, too. You'd think he'd be a hero. No, it was not the Russian fans. It was us. And we were not booing. We were cheering him on. He will win us Gold. And we were congratulating the fucking hell out of him for it.

"LOUUUUUU!!!!!"

Tonight

Tonight is the night.
The night greatness is achieved.
The night revenge is taken.
The night the most sought-after rivalry of all time is renewed.
Tonight is the night that Canada proves themselves. Proves that they are, were, and will always be the best hockey team in the world. Proves that their 7th place finish in Turin four years ago was but a flaw, a simple dash in a seemless record. Proves that they have what it takes to win it all.

Tonight is the night Canada and USA face off against one another for the first time since 2006.
Sacrifices will be made.
Hope will be crushed.
There can only be one winner.
Do you believe in miracles?



No.

It just hit me

It just hit me that Jonathan Toews made team Canada. It just hit me. Like, our Johnny. He's only 21. And he's really hot. And he made team Canada. Like, the best 20 or so Canadians in the world. And he's one of them. It just hit me.

Jonathan Toews. Captain of the Chicago Blackhawks. And he's only 21. And he's really hot. And now he's on team Canada. In the Olympics. Like, he made the team. The team that only the best canadians in the world make. And he made it. Therefore, if you've been paying attention, he is one of the best candians in the world. And not just of his age. Oh no. Of everyone.

It just hit me.

THAT IS MY NAME, GENO GENO

DEAR DIARY...

THEY CALL ME GENO
THEY CALL ME RUSKY
THEY CALL ME MALKIN
THEY CALL ME MVP

THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME!

THEY THINK I'M QUIET
BUT I'M A ROIT
GENO, GENO

LET'S BRING THE STANLEY CUP BACK TO PITTSBURGH, PA!!

OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SONG

OVECHKIN SUCKS
O VECH KIN SUCKSSSS

LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS!

LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS!

WE GOT GOLD!

CANADA WON IT'S FIRST GOLD MEDAL ON HOME SOIL! WHOOWHOOWHOOOOO!

Alexandre Bilodeau was the one who did it, notching first place in the moguls. We all thought Cindy Klaussen was going to be the first in speed skating earlier that day, but she couldn't deliver. We got a bronze in that event, and the day before in women's moguls we got a silver. All in all, so far Canada has one of each, making us tied for third place in the medal standings. USA is unfourtunately in first place, but not for long. We have opened the floodgates to a shitload of gold medals that have yet to come!


On a more...melancholy note, Jonathan Cheechoo has been put on waivers for the Ottawa Senators. I guess we all knew it was going to happen eventually, but it stills hurts a little bit. It isn't a great feeling to have one of your supposed "top scorers" put away that you originally got to replace a top scoring douchebag you had before. We all thought he was going to do great things for the Senators. Guess not.


But screw this unhappiness. WE HAVE A FUCKING GOLD, CANADA!

The Wonder That is 26

I'd like to wish a rather bitter-sweet birthday to our favorite womanizer, Mr. Maxime Talbot. He is turning 26, and it is bitter-sweet in the sense that most hockey players tend to settle down and get married at that particular age. Jason Spezza, Colby Armstrong...those are just a couple of the numerous players who had decided to wed their spouces at the wonderfully aged year of 26. The years up to 26 are supposed to be your "party years", the days when you spend your time not worrying too much about anything expect for having fun and consuming way too much alcohol. It's a fun time, I'll tell you. But somehow, and I don't know what does it, the morning after a man's 26th birthday, there is a change that occurs. Something happens inside their small two-track minds that causes them to finally think about settling down. They suddenly think they're "old", and that the proper thing to do once you become "old" is to find a averagely pleasant, nice lady and pop the question. Funnily enough, that one question is something those girls have been dreaming about their entire lives, and something the guys probably haven't even thought about once.

Birthdays are usually a very exciting thing for me, filled with happiness and gratitude and hope for the future, but not today. I really do not want Maxime Talbot to get married this year. Max finally realizing that his destiny in life is to not to hook up with every girl in America would be a catastrophe, to say the least. Sure, we always talk about how gross and pig-like he is for all of those one-night-stands that he is so well known for, but really, it's what makes him who he is. Max without a different girl every night is like superman without his powers. He has the cape, and yet he cannot fly.

To sum up: Max, there is no need to start considering marriage. Find a girl, go out on a date, maybe keep her around for a little while, but take it slow. I think you need a little bit of real relashionship experience before you go all "wedding bells" on us. You are not old. You are simply maturing.

Happy birthday. Make it the best night of your life. Hire yourself some nice ladies to spend some time with. I'm sure there are some genius pranks waiting for you back at your house. Just a gift from the boys. Have a martini from me to top it off.

Olympics, Baby!

The Washington Capitals are coming to Ottawa for the last game in the Scotiabank Place before March 3rd. I know, it seems like the longest wait in the world right now, but there's gonna be a shitload of hockey ten times better in between. Just imagine: the best hockey players in the world battling it out on the ice. And it's in Canada. Bonus.


The Olympics are coming, baby.

Steeeeeven

I believe yesterday was the birthday of Steven Stamkos.

I believe he is currently playing on the top line of the Tampa Bay Lighting.

Between Martin St-Louis and Ryan Malone.

A former penguin, I should mention.

I believe Steven Stamkos has one of the hardest and most accurate slap-shots in the NHL.

I believe he scores quite a bit.

Perhaps a goal a game.

I believe he is way too young to be as good as he is.

I believe he deserves a beer from me on his belated birthday.

Maybe two.

Happy birthday, dear Steven.

I believe you'll do great things.

If you don't aw at that, you're stone.

His stick is taller that he is, for crying out loud.

A Forgotten and Somewhat Insignificant Man

Oh, yeah.
Today was also Don Cherry's birthday. I'm not gonna tell you how old he is.

Have a good one, Grapes.

Condolances

I just found out some really horrible news.
Brian Burke's son died today in a car accident.
And then the Leafs lost.
In a game they definitely should have won.
I feel really bad for Brian Burke.
Who, if you didn't know, is the Leafs GM.
Really bad.
What an awful, awful day.
Poor guy.

Dear Adam

Adam Burish:

Are you well yet? It's been quite a while, sir, I'd expect you to be back by now. What the hell was even wrong with you anyway that's made you miss the whole goddamn season? Chicago misses you. Sure, they were doing alright at first. Most sports anilisists even believed they were the best team in the NHL. But then they lost to Ottawa. And now Ottawa is on a 10 game winning streak. And now those fucktard sports anilisists are re-thinking things. Chicago needs an aggravator, Burs, and you're their man.

Get back to it.

Sorry, Tyler

Hey, Tyler Myers. You know you're very important to me. But, to tell you the truth, I didn't even know when the fuck you're goddamn birthday was. I'm so sorry. Here's to a belated twentieth, I hope you win rookie of the year.

He doesn't really seem to mind that I forgot his birthday. I hope he got drunk out of his mind and made a complete fool of himself in front of a bunch of dumb blond chicks who don't really give a shit one way or another as long as they get to say they fucked Tyler Myers on his birthday to all their slutty little friends who hang out at the clubs every night hoping to randomly bump into a hockey player and ruin his life.

Is Anybody Listening?

Jesus, have you seen the Sedins lately? Holy crap. The Sedin-Sedin-Burrows line is killing everybody. Henrik's really trying to make a point here. Maybe we should start listening.

Ovechkin, are you listening?

Huh. Guess not.

Wow. WTF, Mate.

Kay, Toronto and Calgary just fucking switched teams, man. They like took all their players and completely swapped them. They might as well have just traded jerseys. Wow.

Here's the deal: Toronto thinks they're all hot stuff now cause they got Jiggy and Dion. What they don't seem to realize is that Phaneuf has been almost completely off his game for a while now, and a move to another part of Canada is not gonna change that. And Giguere hasn't had much fame since he oblitereated the Sens in the Stanley Cup final in...2006/07, was it? He's not half-bad, I'll admit to that, but he ain't got what it take anymore. His time is over, I'm afraid. The Leafs also got their fair share of no-names, like Keith Aulie and Sjoatrom. If anyone knows how the fuck to pronounce that, by all means, run it by me.

They also thought it would be fun to get rid of a couple of their well-known men. Sure, throw Toskala over to Anaheim for Jiggy Giguere, no problem, we'll take it. But toss Jason Blake over there too? No way. That dude battled cancer, man. He's got guts. Guts, and strength. That's what you need on your team; someone who's fought through a disease. That's why Montreal was so stupid to let Koivu go. He had a type of power with him that one can only get from fighting through an illness that has no goddamn cure. Every team in the NHL needs one of those guys.

Calgary on the other hand, got Matt Stajan. Ah, Matty. Don't you wanna just spread him on a cracker? He's just so goddamn cute. Too bad his game's gone to shit. They also got a few other guys like Hagman and White, but really, do we even know who the hell those guys are anymore?

So, simply, to sum up this little Toronto trade adrenaline. BIG BUNCH OF SHIT FOR NOTHING. Toronto has the debth to become a great team in the future, they just need to build it up. Hopefully, this new addition and diminishment of players will have no effect on their outcome this season or the one after that. If there's one good thing that happened this trade, it's that the Leafs decided to keep Luke Schenn. That man has a god in him, I swear.

Calgary still has Cappy Canada. They'll be fine.

Ah, Jarome. You are a breath of fresh air in this bomb shelter we call the NHL.