He's Back!!!!!!!!

Jordan Staal is playing. He's playing.
Sid's upper-lip is naked.
So far, 0-0 in the nighttime Winter Classic.

The Jaw's back baby.

I've Had My Moments

I found this in the newspaper a few days ago:

Jordan Staal must be the unluckiest player in the NHL right now. Almost ready to make his season debut after offseason foot surgery, he now needs surgery on a fractured right hand and will be out an additional six weeks.

FUCKMYLIFE.

But it's gonna be fine. It's all gonna be alright. We got through it last season with Max and Burish out for the umptillionth month, and we'll get through this. It's only 6 weeks. It's only six weeks! When you think about it, thats only a month and two weeks. Which is technically only 44 days. Oh wow, that makes it sound like forever. Let's just leave it at 6 weeks. He'll be back before Christmas.


P.S.

Fun Fact: All of Grey's Anatomy's episodes are named after song titles! Isn't that cool?

The Name's Matthews. Tam Matthews.

Okay someone needs to do something about Jordan Staal.
He goes like 3 seasons in a row without ever missing a game and sets like a record for most consecutive games or something amazing. Cause he's sick like that. And then he goes an injures his foot. And then he goes and gets foot surgery. And then he goes and gets an infection. And then he goes and starts practicing again, and, wouldn't you know it, he gets an 'upper body injury'. Fuck this man, I hate the Hockey Gods.


No, I will not apologize. Screw you. Screw all of you! I want Jordan Staal back! Bring him back, NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND and Other Such Characters

You wanna know something that sucks?
The appropriate response for such a question would be something along the lines of, "Boy, do I ever!" You can chose whether or not to use heavy sarcasm in that particular statement.

Jordan Staal had surgery on his right foot during the summertime, and the stupid surgeon man botched the procedure and gave him an infection. Which means he'll be out for the next five to six weeks, missing the whole training camp and the beginning of the season. I know, I told you it was sucky. What kind of a surgeon is this, giving him an infection in his foot? How gross is that? No, don't picture it. You'll be seeing your lunch on the floor next.

But serious, a 6-4, 220 pound millionaire should sure as hell be able to intimidate his way into getting a damn good surgeon, and not one thats gonna leave a towel in his abdomen or anything.

That legit happened, eh? It was in Grey's Anatomy. The new season, beteedubs, is premiering (premier-ing?) on Thursday. And. Speaking of premiers. Guess what's coming out to theatres everywhere in 59 days? No no, guess.

HARRY POTTER, MATE!! Whoooooooooooweee! Get excited people, this is a two piece motion picture event! For the love of God, someone needs to get writing on a bigger and better series than JK Rowling, she's richer than the QUEEN OF ENGLAND for crying out loud.

And yes, I did just put the QUEEN OF ENGLAND in caps lock. Important people deserve such treatment.

Thinking of You, Katy Perry

Whallahee Hoooooo!

Happy happy happy birthday Jordan, you are the greatest, we love you, you're 22, you're so old, you need to heal from the complications from your surgery so you can come out to the pre-season training camp and wow da whole world so you can step up to the plate for next season. Whoot, happy birthday, kick ass, make me smile, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night, lala la, whatever the fuck Mr. Uncle Kracker means by that song that always fucking gets stuck in your head all day long. Who the hell is Eric Hudgenson anyway. Did you know that Pat Monahan is the lead singer of Train? I didn't know that. His one attempt at a solo did pretty well for himself. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee...I miss the NHL. I go crazy during the summer. I hate the summer. The summer should exist during the winter so we can go crazy out on the ODR. You can't play outdoor hockey in the summertime, folks. Puck drops in so days, in the mean time we can oggle.

Hmm, eh? You can always admire a man with a fish. God.

Dance like a fool, forget down to breathe...

You make me smile.

The Greatest Countdown in the History of the Earth

Countdown to Jordan Staal's birthday: 5 days.

We All Stand Poised on the Brink of Greatness

Anyone wanna see a hot picture?

Girls all over the world are having orgasms right now because of how hot this picture is. You know this.

An Easy Mistake to Make

I can't tell how much this picture made me laugh. Go on nhlol.blogspot.com for like, millions of hilarious pics like these.

A Staal Update

Greetings from South Carolina.

I got to watch all three Staal brothers play in one day yesterday. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It was a life changing experience.

Jordan Staal is really hot. I've been noticing this especially lately. It's just the way that his hair is so smooth and wavy, and how his skin seems to stay just the right shade of tan even when he's on the ice. Alex Ponikarovsy's skin does this too. He is also very attractive. He is a wonderful new addition to our Pens. It's amazing that they managed to get him.

Eric Staal is getting too good. It's not right. He is speeding away from his brothers at an extraordinary rate. Its not that I don't want him to be good, really, I do, but it's all just happening too fast. Something happened this year that changed him.

Marc Staal is rapidly falling far behind. He was never truly as skilled as his offensive brothers, but at least he had some defending power. Now, he doesn't really do much. He doesn't connect passes too well, or catch them for that matter. He doesn't score, and he doesn't save goals. He hits people, but not as well as he used to. I blame his girlfriend. Did you know she's a supermodel? I think her name is Kat or something. She's foreign. Foreign and blond.

I miss Jared. He used to be good and full of potential. Now, he's fallen off the map. He no longer lives on the face of this Earth. He lives in...(GASP!) the AHL. Duh Duh DUH. I liked it better when he played on the same team the Marc used to. I feel bad for that team, kind of, though. They got the worst two of the four Staal bros. Unlucky sons of bitches.

Pitt won against Boston and Zdeno, Carolina won against Atlanta and Mr. Armstrong, and the Rangers lost to Buffalo and Tyler Myers. Pauvre, pauvre Marc.

SAY WHAT?!

I've decided to start a new segment here to celebrate the opening of our new design. It's called: "SAY WHAT?!"

I know. I totally came up with the title all by myself. So here's how it works: I take a seemingly normal picture, and then turn it into something somewhat comedic and humiliating. I've decided to use a few of my favorites at the beginning, since you know I love to make fun of them so much.

And here we go.

P-Kane and Johnny T:

Bobby-lu:

Geno Geno<3>

Scaredy-cat Ref:

The Great Eight:

Mad Maxy:

Thank you, radom slutty fan. You have granted us the gift of laughter.

Sorry honey, we are not laughing with you:

Cappy Sid Vicious:

Dumb Ref impersonating Denis from SlapShot:

Flower:

J Staal:

PITT--8 OTT--2

No, the title doesn't lie. The Ottawa Senators traveled to Pittsburgh yesterday in good spirits: they were celebrating the return of their number 1 goalie Pascal Leclaire, as well as big hitter Chris Neil and winger Sean Donovan. Twas even the night before the night before Christmas, that had to count for some good luck, right?

Wrong.

First period, no score, first thing that happens? Captain Daniel Alfredsson gets caught with a shoulder to the head and immediately goes down and doesn't return to the game. No penalty was called on the play, causing much contraversy between the two teams, and setting the tone for a long, sad, scrappy night for Ottawa. If the Senators weren't pushing and shoving and recieving unnecessary penalties, the Penguins were probably scoring a goal.

So, the first period ends 1-1. Evgeni Malkin clinched his first goal of the game. Not bad, both teams are still easily capable of grabbing hold of this one. Soon into the second though, things begin to happen.

A goal.

Another goal.

And another goal.

And another.

And one more, just for kicks.

So, by the end of the second, this is how the game is looking:

• Pascal Leclaire has let in 5 goals in 20 minutes.


• Billy Guerin, a Pitt veteran, has two goals, and so does teammate Evgeni Malkin.


• Ruslan Fedetenko and Chris Kunitz both have one as well for the Pens.


• The only goal for Ottawa is held by Chris Kelly


• The score now stands 6-1

So, without much question, Pascal Leclaire has been benched for the third. But no, he sits not on the bench with the rest of his sad teammates like you would expect. He sits perfectly protected behind the glass, in order to not harm his new plastic jaw. He even keeps his helmet on for the first few minutes for good mesure.

Elliot is once again in nets for the Senators, much to his delight. His happiness doesn't last long, however, because our little Geno decides, "I likes score goals. I not get hat trick in long time. I no like Ottawa. I show Ottawa that I no like Ottawa. I make Ottawa sad. I make mama Malkin happy. I score third goal now."

And that is exactly what he does.

Geno enjoys all the attention he's getting, and he watches for several minutes as fans littered the ice with headware and the loudspeakers boomed "Let it Snow". Of course, he doesn't understand the significance of the song, but he smiles widely all the same.

By now, the Sens are upset and frustrated. They managed to put one more goal in, a fabulous slap-shot by Anton Volchenkov from the blue line right off the face-off, but they know they are done for. So, they decide to do what most teams do when they are getting annihilated: they started yapping and throwing punches.

Chris Neil challenged and almost killed Mike Rupp, and less than a minute later Matt Carkner and Adams came together briefly. Sean Donovan and Matt Cooke had a rather long conversation on the face-off, of what consisted mostly of Donovan raising his eyebrows in question or challenge and Cookie continuously shaking his head. After the drop of the puck Donovan tried to fight a reluctant Cooke by pulling him back by his jersey. Cookie scurried away unscathed and the refs skating in to a dissapointed and confused Sean Donovan, who received a minor for unsportsmanlike conduct as well as a 10-minute major. He did not return to the game.

The Pens managed to pop a final goal in for a satisfying 8-2 home victory. The amazing line of Malkin, Kunitz and Guerin were spectacular, ending the game with a total of 12 points, with six goals. As for the Senators, it was an ugly game all around, and it set the stage for a difficult and dissapointing new year. So much for a merry Christmas.

~

Oh, one more thing. Remember Alfie's crazy full-face visor that he had to wear for a few games after he broke his jaw? Jordan Staal got hit in the nose with either a puck or a stick last game and look what he had to wear.

Seem familiar? I don't know about you, but I think he wore it well.

ZOMG

Guys, big big big news!

First of all, Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night! Yay! I cannot get over my obsession for that show.

Second, and more importantly, the Pens are in town! They're playing Ottawa tomorrow night, and that means that they flew in today. Can you imagine? Geno is probably begging Gonch to drive him to Fratellis at this exact moment so he can load up on the best Spaghetti in town before the game tomorrow. Jordan Staal is probably planning a sneeky date with one of the Ottawian puckbunnies that he has on speed dial in case of emergency. Because it's true, all hockey players do cheat. Even if they're in love. Kris is probably beginning his pre-game day ritual by combing his gorgeous Sex Hair exactly 100 times. Soon he will remember that he can no longer do that, because he chopped it all off and there is nothing left. But I'm not bitter. Sid is probably sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hotel room repetedly chanting his always faithful maintra: "I am The Next One. Mario will always have my back. I will not cry at the game tomorrow. Colby still thinks of me as much as I think of him. I will show absolutely no emotion in any of my interviews. Ovechkin is a loser. I will not cry at the game tomorrow." And Max...well, Max is probably crying over the fact that he still can't play and filling the empty hole where hockey usually is by banging every chick in town.

On a happier note, tomorrow is also Patrick Kane's birthday! Happy 21st, Pat! Underdog Obsessed will buy you a beer for me, since I will be kind of busy that night watching Pittsburgh kick Ottawa's loser asses.

Oh, and one more thing. Siddo hoisted the Olympic Flame today. Well, he ran, while hoisting it. It was pretty epical. We were all really excited for him. All the videos were pretty crappy, so I didn't wanna disgrace the dignity of this blog by putting them up here, but you're welcome to go on youtube and search for them yourself. I'd turn your volume on low; the sirens are crazy loud.

Thursday is gonna be a big day.

Baby Staal! Baby Staal!

I can't believe I'm so late on this. I've been waiting for this all summer, ever since I found out that Eric knocked (nocked?) up Tanya. It is still called knocked up if they're married? Anyway, I knew he was gonna be born some time in September but I didn't know what day, and then Wikipedia posts that it happened last tuesday! And I missed it! Oh well, its six days late, but here it is.

CONGRATS! The newborn, Parker Lucas Staal, wieghed in at 7lbs 14oz, which I think is pretty decent, dont you? He'll need another 200lbs on there if he wants to live up to the expectations of the fans he'll already have by the time he's 18. Way to go Eric, you're a father, at 24 too, which is pretty damn impressive. I thought you were wayyyyyy too young to get married, even now, with a two year anniversary under your belt. I just hope you know you're leaving your wife with a hell of a job to do, it'll almost be like she's a single mother, what with you being away all the time and all. I'm sure she can handle it, I hear she's a doll. Marc, Jordan and Jared, you're uncles, men. Step up to the task, take the lead. Babysit. Burp. Change those diapers. Don't be wusses, drink the damn brest-milk. It'll take some oreos at first, but soon you'll get the hang of it. It tastes like catelope juice, just ask Sidney Crosby. He'll know that from Friends, just like I do. Oh, the joys of parenthood.

Also, Baby Staal, or Parker (geez, he could've chosen a better name, dontcha think?), you have the honnor of being born on the same day as Mark Johnson, along with many others. For those of you who haven't seen Miracle, Mark Johnson was the star of the USA team at the Olympics. He was great. I hope BStaal can live up to that.

Congratulations Staal family, and good luck. Take my best. Henry and Linda, you're too young to be grandparents.

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For

Alright, I told you guys I wasn't gonna be here on the actual day, and I just got back yesterday, so I'm writing this with a heavy heart. It would have a meant a lot more on Thursday. Well, anyway, the 10th of September was Jordan Staal's birthday. 21 years old. He can now drink in the US. That was a great day. I made sure to telepathically buy him a beer on that day, since I couldn't be with him. He is truly a great man. The best of the brothers, in my opinion. Happy belated birthday Gronk, Staalsy, J.

Some Realisations

You know what I just realized? Jordan Staal and Jason Spezza have the same initials. Uh-huh, yeah. Two of my favorites. You know, I think I'm attracted to the J names. Or maybe it's the S ones. I don't know. All I know is that this little mishap won't come in the way of either of my relationships with Jason or Jordy. I never really like Jason Smith because he shared Spezz's initials and coincidentaly, first name. But, Smith is now retired (which I think Murray might have forced on him in order to get under the salary cap) and all was at peace again...until I found out about J Staal! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

Just to keep you posted, Dany Heatley still hasn't been traded. I'm SURE Murray is trying as hard as he possibly can to get him out of Ottawa (note the heavy sarcasm), but it just isn't working out. I personally want Heater to stay here. Not that I like him or anything, I just think it might be fun to see how the season plays out with Dany on bad side of every single one of his teammates. Some say he ows nothing but a valid explanation, but others seem to want more from their discheveled right winger. I think it'll be amusing to see how they want him to repay them for all the chaos his trade request has caused. The tension in the dressing may break out onto the ice...I want there to be a fight. Yeah, I want one of the Sens to randomly punch Dany Heatley in the face. That would make my life. Whoever would do that would have to someday be engraved on the loonie. Maybe ever the toonie? You've probably noticed by now that I really don't care whether or not the Sens win this season. Well, I don't. I don't like them. Not one bit. The only reason I watch them every other night is to see Spezz and Ryan Shannon. I love Ryan Shannon. So much.

Baby Staal

First of all, I'd just like to let everyone know that Eric Staal is expecting a child this month. I don't know what the gender is or exactly when it's due this month, but I'm hoping it's gonna be a boy. You know, carry on the Staal hockey tradition and all that. Congrats Eric, you're way too young to be a father. And it's irresponsible of you to throw the tough task of uncle on all your young brothers' shoulders. They can't handle it; Marc is working his ass off to be the third in his family to win a Stanley Cup, he doesn't have the time! And he's got his girlfriend to worry about aswell! She's a model, she's bound to be getting in loads of trouble. And Jordan just won Stanley, he's busy basking in the glory of his recent feat. Parties, clubs, bars...not quite the environment to raise a child in! And imagine the example he'd set for little baby Staal! Oh, it hurts to even think about it. And don't even get me started on Jared. He's only nineteen, still getting used to the fact that he can drink publicly without worrying about making himself a fake ID. All not to mention how overwellmed he must feel about his new spot on the Coyotes. That team is all over the place, I don't even understand whats going on anymore with Balsillie and crap. And little Jared has to move away from home! How sad. Geez Eric, you could have waited a couple more years a least to try for a child, no one is even close to being ready for it. Unless is happened out of wedlock. Then it isn't your fault, and I apologize for all this blame I must've put on you.

Happy Birthday Jared!

Alright, I know I'm a bit late, but I'd like to wish a belated happy birthday to Mr. Jared Staal! He just turned 19 yesterday, which makes him officially legal, in Canada that is. I want to buy him a beer. But I'm sure his brothers took care of that for me. Not that he hasn't been drinking for years already, but you can't blame him. His older brothers haven't exactly been the greatest role models for him, I mean Jordan got arrested for underaged drinking and Eric spent a night in jail for like misorderly conduct or something against a police officer...I dunno. I'm getting off track. So, without further adue, I'd like to wish Jared a very very very special birthday.

Staal

Okay, since I seem to be on somewhat of an honest streak, I think it's only fair that you learn all about my Staals. The truth is, I love them. They should all freaking have their own loonie to be engraved on. I'm serious. THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM! Geez. How often does that happen? Four brothers in the NHL all at the same time. That never happens EVER. NEVER.




Awwwww. And, to top it off, they're freakin awesome. Well, I don't know about Jared yet, but so far the first three are pretty damn amazing. Eric is my favorite. I'd just like to point that out, before we get into anything else. I had plans. I had plans for Eric Staal and I. We were gonna make the greatest couple of all time, but then I found out he was married. Yeah. Ouch. I always knew he got arrested, but I had no idea it was at his bachelor party. I blame his wife for that. I blame her for giving Eric and Jordan a record. I hate her. I hear she's really nice though. Speaking of giving Jordan a record, have you seen his mug shot? Geez, that is SOME gelled down hair-do. I mean seriously, I've heard of buisiness in the front, party in the back, but not buisiness all around. Especially at a BACHELOR party. I wonder if they had a stripper.



Yikes. But take a look at Eric's mug shot. That's hotness right there. That's the last picture there is of him before he got married. I'm dying inside as I write this. But, on a brighter note, he looks extremely good in all of the other pics there are of him. Anywhere. Trust me, I dare you guys to e-mail me a picture of Eric Staal that doesn't look good. el-vidge@hotmail.com

I don't feel right making fun of Jordan's hair. Besides, he just won the Stanley Cup, and he was so young and naive, he didn't knonw any better. He does now. I absolutely LOVED his playoff hair. He had the kind of tough guy look going on. Unfortunately, he's taken as well, not in the sickness and health type of way, but he still has a girlfriend, and I hear she's a sweatheart also. What is with these Staal boys and nice girlfriends? One of my favorite things to do is make fun of hockey players' girlfriends, and now I can't even do that. What is the world coming to? Anyway, speaking of Lord Stanley, sorry I couldn't make a post for that, I was just so completely speechless. It was the best day of my life. I swear. I still can't discuss it without getting excited. Follow this link though, this is my friend Gabby's blog, and it's like my life. Well, it was, before I got this thing here. http://underdogobsession.wordpress.com/category/lord-stanley/
This picture just makes my life even more. You'll come to notice that a lot of things make my life. I also want a lot of things to be engraved on the loonie someday. That was kind of the point of this blog in the first place...



That's Eric. Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen? I wish I was the Stanley Cup. I really really do. Do you know how many hot hockey players kiss that thing? Damn strait.
This is just to end this wonderful post. It's probably my favorite saying of all time.