Catching Up On Some Birthdays

No one important was born today. Yesterday was a different story. Jack O'Callahan. If that name doesn't make you go 'Oh', then you should definitely consider re-watching Miracle a couple hundred times. You will not get bored of it. It was a great moment in history fabricated into a Motion Picture Production. I'm going to attempt watching Saving Private Ryan tonight. Wish me luck.

NO ONE GOOD WAS BORN IN JULY!

Cept, for Jonathan Cheechoo. Haha, remember him? That's one story to tell the grandkids about, eh? What a crappy birthday he must've had. I really don't understand what happened to him. He used to be so good! He once scored the most goals in the league, a few years ago. I don't get it. How do you go from being so good to being so completely suckish? I just doesn't make sense to me.

Things get better though. Trust me. Because guess who's birthday is on the 31st? Seriously, take a guess. It's Evgeni! Whoooooollaaaallaa!!!! He's growing up so fast. I really wanted to put up a super cool Geno montage for you guys, but I found some pictures. They may be from last season, but I just have to put 'em up. Because they're fucking killing me.

Ugh. But this isn't the worst of it.

And it gets worse.

Yep. There it is. You know, he doesn't really seem to be enjoying that, Russian hoe. There are people watching you! Can't you see the cameras? They're pointed at you! I'll bet she can. I'll bet she saved this immaculate display of afflection for the moment the paparatzi got there.

God. Happy birthday, Geno. Have a beer and a party hat on us, but you're paying for the porn star yourself.

Just wait until August. August is going to be GREAT.

Club Shifting Style

Sergei Gonchar. We got him.

I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now into words, because Gonch was a Pen at heart, and I don't really know how he's going to feel about the transition. I love the Penguins, so I don't know if I'm sad that he isn't playing for my favorite team anymore or extatic that he'll be living in the same town as me for the next 3 years. I don't know how to feel. I guess I could feel angry, at Pittsburgh, because they didn't have the guts to re-sign him quickly enough. Because now LeSwoon is without a mentor, and Geno is without a shoulder to lean on. What is he going to do? Did anyone ever think about that, huh, when they decided that Sergei was too expensive to re-sign? Did anyone think about Evgeni? What's going to happen to him? How's he going to survive without his Russian padre to help him out? Sure, he's got Max now, but he's French. Geno can't speak French. And he can't learn another language now, things have been so hard on him already... I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? This is a good thing. At least we didn't make a trade. Volchenkov for Gonchar, I don't know how that would've worked out. The Pens just lost their best defenseman, and now they have no one. They need someone, soon. But for now, we can bask in the glory of our new found greatness. Didn't I tell you off-season was fun?

SAY WHAT?! part 2

Here's another installment of SAY WHAT?!, a once used segment on Loonie Engraved. But just before we begin, there's something I'd like to say.

"I'm going to make a speech today. Some of you will like it, and some of you will not. But if there's one thing that I've learned over the past year, it's that all of you will applaud."

-Colin Laroche, 2010

*you should know that I didn't make the majority of these, you don't have to blame me*

Bastardo!

Jordan Eberle turned 20 yesterday. Whoopteedo. I would put up a super montage of Messiah pics for you, but to tell you the truth, I'm just too goddamn depressed about the Habs. They just lost 6-0 to Philedelphia. Philedelphia! My theory is, Philly is simply riding a high from winning 4 straight over Boston. It'll pass, and so will Montreal's current need to do everything on their own. There's a reason that there's five other people out there on the ice with you, Camelleri, Gomez. Maybe you should consider taking advantage of them. You did it against Washington and Pittsburgh, why not the Flyers? They suck. They were singing the Olay Olay Olay Olay Olay song tonight. That's Montreal's song! We invented that song! You can't just steal it from us and then use it against us in your own arena. That's bullshit. It's a little early for goodbye songs if you ask me, anyway. There are still six games left in this series, and we intend on using every last minute of them. And then we'll be the ones singing goodbye. Bloody fucking bastards.


Geez. I just got pretty angry there. It's gotta be Philedelphia. It's their fans. They're just so...mean. Geno said it best: "I think Philedelphia fans its...its not good fans because its...its...when sit bench its popcorn, its...my head, its...not good."
He always did say it best, though, didn't he.

Cartoons and Superheroes

They call him Shrek.

They think Evgeni Malkin, Geno, looks like Shrek. You know what I say to that? WTF, MATE! If anyone should be comparing anyone to anyone, it should be that Chicago Blackhawks comparing Jonathan Toews to Wolverine. Because seriously, nothing says made up movie character like side-burns over there.

Geno. Does. Not. Look. Like. Shrek.

This Is Our Time

2 minutes ago, the Penguins beat the Habs.
2 minutes, 15 seconds ago, Pascal Dupuis scored the empty net goal that secured them the win.

I hate empty net goals. And I hate how angry Geno has been lately. Every single thing that's call against them, he yells in anger. The puck got deflected off of someone's stick and up into the mesh, and he got so mad, I got scared. Someone needs to talk to that boy.

The series currently stands at 2-1, but I'm not worried. They'll get the next one. If they go into Pittsburgh to play their fifth game down 3-1, then I'll be worried. But not now. We can handle this. The Canadiens have not gotten even spitting distance to Lord Stanley in 17 years, which was the last time they won the thing. Pittsburgh's time, it's done. Montreal has this. They've got it. This is their time, gents. We know this. You know this. They know this. Now, it's just time for them to show it.

Habs in 6.

Shitting Bricks

Ladies and gentlemen; the playoffs.

Yes, they're finally here. All is done and decided, and, after a year of anxious await, we have our teams. Some of the results were suprising, yes, especially how the best of the brothers (E Staal) didn't make the post-season because of the shit team he's been stuck on, and how the "Bolts" didn't make it either even though they had a 50+ goal sophmore un-slumper.

But all is well. And do you know why? Because the Habs made it in. Yes, yes they did. Don't sound so surprised. I knew they were gonna make it the whole time. Sure, they gave us a few scares here and there, but hell. What's the regular season for if not for giving 15 year old girls heart attacks?

No, I didn't forget that Montreal has to play Washington. It's not a big deal. Sure, they're the top team in the world, but I believe in my Habitants. They can do anything if they set their minds to it. My prediction? A sweep. Habs in 4.

OTTAWA IS PLAYING PITTSBURGH! WHOOOOO! The Hockey Gods actually read my letter this year! I feel so proud. I'm going to one of their games. The fourth one, actually. I kind of hope the Pens sweep, so that's I'll be in the stands to witness Geno smile. That will make my entire life, I can assure you.

I feel bad for San Jose. They've scored so many goals this year that analysists have even gone to the extreme of saying that Joe Thornton might not even flop these playoffs because of his newly acquired personal douchebag (Dany Heatley). I laugh at those people. Once a post-season flop, always a post-season flop. Thornton has a notorious record for shitting a brick every time he steps on playoff ice. This isn't going to change. I don't even need to know who the Sharks are playing to be sure that they're going to fail miserably.

I don't really feel bad.

We Have An Overpopulation On This Small Small World

Today was Roberto Luongo's birthday. Happy 31st, Bobby-Lu. Jesus Christ, you are much older than I thought you were. You've only got a few years left in you. Use them well, Loooooou. Win a Stanley Cup, how about. Wait, no. Not this year. This year it's time for Washington, and then the year after that Chicago will make it's run, and then the Pens will take it again. But the year after that, kay? You can hold on that long, can't you?

Pascal Dupuis is also turning 31 on Wednesday. Remember, he's the one for Pittsburgh who has permanent mascara and waxed and perfectly plucked eyebrows? At least he takes care of himself. He's having a good year though, and he wears the Rocket's number, so we respect him. He also plays for the Pens. So we love him for that.

We also love that he has twin dogs and an extremely sculpted torso. And that he's a father, and buys super cool swingsets for his kids. And that he got a tatoo to commemorate Lord Stanley. Well done, Pascal.

Brian Elliott and Alex Ponikarovsky have their birthdays on the Friday, turning 25 and and 30 respectively. Elliot, or 'Ernie' as da Sens call him, has held Ottawa (home of the Fat Cats) on his back ever since Pascal Leclaire completely flopped his role. We will be in the playoffs thanks to him. And Ponikarovsky used to be a Maple Laugh. Now he's a Penguin. He is liked much better now.

Sean Avery (!!!) and Dion Phaneuf are celbrating the day after that. Avery is congratulated on surviving 30 years on this planet, and, more impressive yet, 10 seasons in the NHL. He is known around the league as an agitator, and a pest. He is annoying and unsportsmanlike and hated by 66.4% of all the players in the NHL, but, for some strange reason, I like him. Don't ask me why.

BUT I will say that it's funny that he has the same birthday as Dion Phaneuf (turning 25), who was one of the victims of Avery's well-known 'sloppy seconds' comment. When Sean Avery made the comment before a game against the Flames, Phaneuf's team at the time, Phaneuf was dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert. Which is cool. I like how things like this link together.

And we all remember Avery's "distraction tactic" against Brodeur. Oh, Sean. There's just something about you. I don't want to love you. And yet I do. I can't help it. I hate everything about you. But I just can't help loving you.

SERGEI GONCHAR'S BIRTHDAY IS ON APRIL 13TH. WOOOOOOOOOO. He's turning 36. Now that, if you've been paying any attention, is old. Poor Serge. I hope he doesn't get traded. His contract ends after this season, and there's been some talk about a trade. It's some sort of money thing. But the Pens just don't understand. They need him. Screw the money. He is a leader. He is wise, and experienced, and loyal, and wonderful, and amazing, and adorable. I'm sure the forwards will be fine without him, but what of the D? He is a leader amongst those men. What will become of Kris LeSwoon is Gonch leaves? He'll crash and burn, I tell you. But he won't be alone. Geno (love) will go down with him. He's not grown enough yet to handle this cruel world all on his own. Help him, Sergei. Evgeni needs you.

Aww, right? Don't destroy this love.

THAT IS MY NAME, GENO GENO

DEAR DIARY...

THEY CALL ME GENO
THEY CALL ME RUSKY
THEY CALL ME MALKIN
THEY CALL ME MVP

THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME
THAT IS MY NAME!

THEY THINK I'M QUIET
BUT I'M A ROIT
GENO, GENO

LET'S BRING THE STANLEY CUP BACK TO PITTSBURGH, PA!!

OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SONG

OVECHKIN SUCKS
O VECH KIN SUCKSSSS

LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS!

LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS
LET'S GO PENS!

The Left Leg Man

There was talk earlier this week after the Pittsburgh game against the Senators. This talk was concerning one of our favorite role-model Russians, Mr. Sergei Gonchar. Apparently, the Pens are considering trading him. Trading him. No, they do not think his game has gone to shit. They believe he is a very important asset to the team. He's just costs too much. Apparently, according to our lovely friends over in Pittsburgh, Gonch is just too damn expensive to keep.


Wake up and smell the fucking reason why Geno is doing so well in this league of alien language. Just stop caring about your goddamn salary cap for one second and look at how much Gonch does for your franchise.

A hockey team is like a human body. You lose one of your very best defensemen, who, by the way, wears an A on his sweater, and you lose a leg. Sure, nowadays, there are special replacement legs, you can always get a prosthetic. It may take you a little while to get used to the difference in your body, and the change might somehow influence some of your other limbs, like the ones that depended on that one leg before, but hey, you'll get over it. Your prosthetic leg will soon fit in just right. It'll be new, it'll be improved, it'll be able to do everything your old leg could do. But there's just one problem.



In the end, you'll never be able to run as fast as you did before.

SAY WHAT?!

I've decided to start a new segment here to celebrate the opening of our new design. It's called: "SAY WHAT?!"

I know. I totally came up with the title all by myself. So here's how it works: I take a seemingly normal picture, and then turn it into something somewhat comedic and humiliating. I've decided to use a few of my favorites at the beginning, since you know I love to make fun of them so much.

And here we go.

P-Kane and Johnny T:

Bobby-lu:

Geno Geno<3>

Scaredy-cat Ref:

The Great Eight:

Mad Maxy:

Thank you, radom slutty fan. You have granted us the gift of laughter.

Sorry honey, we are not laughing with you:

Cappy Sid Vicious:

Dumb Ref impersonating Denis from SlapShot:

Flower:

J Staal:

PITT--8 OTT--2

No, the title doesn't lie. The Ottawa Senators traveled to Pittsburgh yesterday in good spirits: they were celebrating the return of their number 1 goalie Pascal Leclaire, as well as big hitter Chris Neil and winger Sean Donovan. Twas even the night before the night before Christmas, that had to count for some good luck, right?

Wrong.

First period, no score, first thing that happens? Captain Daniel Alfredsson gets caught with a shoulder to the head and immediately goes down and doesn't return to the game. No penalty was called on the play, causing much contraversy between the two teams, and setting the tone for a long, sad, scrappy night for Ottawa. If the Senators weren't pushing and shoving and recieving unnecessary penalties, the Penguins were probably scoring a goal.

So, the first period ends 1-1. Evgeni Malkin clinched his first goal of the game. Not bad, both teams are still easily capable of grabbing hold of this one. Soon into the second though, things begin to happen.

A goal.

Another goal.

And another goal.

And another.

And one more, just for kicks.

So, by the end of the second, this is how the game is looking:

• Pascal Leclaire has let in 5 goals in 20 minutes.


• Billy Guerin, a Pitt veteran, has two goals, and so does teammate Evgeni Malkin.


• Ruslan Fedetenko and Chris Kunitz both have one as well for the Pens.


• The only goal for Ottawa is held by Chris Kelly


• The score now stands 6-1

So, without much question, Pascal Leclaire has been benched for the third. But no, he sits not on the bench with the rest of his sad teammates like you would expect. He sits perfectly protected behind the glass, in order to not harm his new plastic jaw. He even keeps his helmet on for the first few minutes for good mesure.

Elliot is once again in nets for the Senators, much to his delight. His happiness doesn't last long, however, because our little Geno decides, "I likes score goals. I not get hat trick in long time. I no like Ottawa. I show Ottawa that I no like Ottawa. I make Ottawa sad. I make mama Malkin happy. I score third goal now."

And that is exactly what he does.

Geno enjoys all the attention he's getting, and he watches for several minutes as fans littered the ice with headware and the loudspeakers boomed "Let it Snow". Of course, he doesn't understand the significance of the song, but he smiles widely all the same.

By now, the Sens are upset and frustrated. They managed to put one more goal in, a fabulous slap-shot by Anton Volchenkov from the blue line right off the face-off, but they know they are done for. So, they decide to do what most teams do when they are getting annihilated: they started yapping and throwing punches.

Chris Neil challenged and almost killed Mike Rupp, and less than a minute later Matt Carkner and Adams came together briefly. Sean Donovan and Matt Cooke had a rather long conversation on the face-off, of what consisted mostly of Donovan raising his eyebrows in question or challenge and Cookie continuously shaking his head. After the drop of the puck Donovan tried to fight a reluctant Cooke by pulling him back by his jersey. Cookie scurried away unscathed and the refs skating in to a dissapointed and confused Sean Donovan, who received a minor for unsportsmanlike conduct as well as a 10-minute major. He did not return to the game.

The Pens managed to pop a final goal in for a satisfying 8-2 home victory. The amazing line of Malkin, Kunitz and Guerin were spectacular, ending the game with a total of 12 points, with six goals. As for the Senators, it was an ugly game all around, and it set the stage for a difficult and dissapointing new year. So much for a merry Christmas.

~

Oh, one more thing. Remember Alfie's crazy full-face visor that he had to wear for a few games after he broke his jaw? Jordan Staal got hit in the nose with either a puck or a stick last game and look what he had to wear.

Seem familiar? I don't know about you, but I think he wore it well.

ZOMG

Guys, big big big news!

First of all, Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night! Yay! I cannot get over my obsession for that show.

Second, and more importantly, the Pens are in town! They're playing Ottawa tomorrow night, and that means that they flew in today. Can you imagine? Geno is probably begging Gonch to drive him to Fratellis at this exact moment so he can load up on the best Spaghetti in town before the game tomorrow. Jordan Staal is probably planning a sneeky date with one of the Ottawian puckbunnies that he has on speed dial in case of emergency. Because it's true, all hockey players do cheat. Even if they're in love. Kris is probably beginning his pre-game day ritual by combing his gorgeous Sex Hair exactly 100 times. Soon he will remember that he can no longer do that, because he chopped it all off and there is nothing left. But I'm not bitter. Sid is probably sitting cross-legged on the floor of his hotel room repetedly chanting his always faithful maintra: "I am The Next One. Mario will always have my back. I will not cry at the game tomorrow. Colby still thinks of me as much as I think of him. I will show absolutely no emotion in any of my interviews. Ovechkin is a loser. I will not cry at the game tomorrow." And Max...well, Max is probably crying over the fact that he still can't play and filling the empty hole where hockey usually is by banging every chick in town.

On a happier note, tomorrow is also Patrick Kane's birthday! Happy 21st, Pat! Underdog Obsessed will buy you a beer for me, since I will be kind of busy that night watching Pittsburgh kick Ottawa's loser asses.

Oh, and one more thing. Siddo hoisted the Olympic Flame today. Well, he ran, while hoisting it. It was pretty epical. We were all really excited for him. All the videos were pretty crappy, so I didn't wanna disgrace the dignity of this blog by putting them up here, but you're welcome to go on youtube and search for them yourself. I'd turn your volume on low; the sirens are crazy loud.

Thursday is gonna be a big day.

Injured Reserve

If the injured player percentage continues spiralling down at this rate, there won't be any players left by the end of next week. It all began with poor Maxime, who had a shoulder surgery during the summer and wasn't expected to be back for four to five months. That was...three or four months ago, so not long left to wait!

Then Adam Burish got injured during one of the pre-season games, and won't be back playing for a while. That was pretty sad. I got over it. But then, low and behold, Sergei Gonchar. A broken foot. Out.

Not long after, Johnny Toews gets caught with his head down, and gets slammed in the middle of the ice. I almost cried when that happened; he went down right away, spun a bit, got up, took a few measly steps, and fell over again. I could tell he was embarrassed; he went straight to the bench. It was kind of funny though, on the bench they kept the camera on him, and his teammates and coaches kept coming up to him askin gif he as okay. There was no sound, but you could read their lips. After the first few, Jon was like, "Yeah, I'm fine," but then the more they came and came and came, he was all like, "I'M FINE, OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Yeah, I know. I laughed.

So, Tazer is out with a concussion or something. And then Spezz leaks out that he might sit a game or two because of "bumps and bruises", in his own words. He never ended up skipping any, until last night against Tampa Bay, where he said to be out with a back problem. The Sens didn't do too well without him, I'll tell you that. I hope he comes back soon.

Well, I thought that was enough injuries of my favorite players, don't you? Guess the Hockey Gods didn't think so. They decided, "Oh, Sergei Gonchar seems lonely, all injured by himself. Let's give him a Russian to keep him company!" So they decide to take my Geno. *tear*

If this keeps up, soon Sid and Ovie'll get hurt too, and then what'll those commentators talk about all game long?

To Break The Ice

Tomorrow is game seven. Yes, Dan Bylsma and his minions stepped it up for game six, and the Cup is still up for grabs. Not for long, though. I have nothing to say about the game that will be, except for the fact that it's going to be the greatest game ever witnessed from a square box. I can feel it in my bones. I have canceled many plans to watch this game, and I will not be disappointed again, like in game 5. There will not be a repeat. It cannot be done. It will not be done. I love it when Geno looks this happy, let's make it happen again.

Karma's a bitch

The first day of my new blog and the only thing on my mind to write about is the heart-breaking event that was game five. Lord Stanley would be ashamed.

Five zip. How often do you get to hear that mid-finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs? Flower, I mean really, three on your glove-side? And one in the 5 hole? I understand the blocker goal, but I blame Dan Bylsma for not benching you earlier. I love you man, but you were awful last night.

Maxime Talbot makes my life. If it weren't for him, I would have turned off the t.v right after the second. Pavel Datsyuk's first game back after a broken foot, and what does Maxy do? Skates right on over to him and gives him a big whack right on the foot. Ouch. Unfourtunately, it didn't do much for us, giving the Wings a two-man advantage with Crosby already in the box, and causing another goal on Fleury, but what the hell? Might as well give the media something to talk about. Datsyuk doesn't deserve to be on that ice, after missing the entire series. His hesitation looked to be house-league worthy.

Still, Pens, seriously, you've gotta step it up. Geno, stick to the puck. It's your spaghetti. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, bud. Don't let the cripple scare you. Pretend every single person in that crowd is Mama Malkin. Make her proud.

Also, Crosby, Zetterberg is supposed to be shadowing you, not the other way around. I know I have absolutely no right at all the judge you, because I have nothing but respect for you, but you're their captain. Their leader. If you were to jump of a bridge into a mile-deep pile of shit, the rest of the Pens would follow your sorry golden ass into that shithole. No joke. If you lose your momentum, there's no way we're gonna make it all the way.

Do it for Mario and the kids. They've housed you, man. They took you in when no one else would and you needed love and care. Do it for Colby Armstrong. Even though he's long gone now, he still believes in you, and was your roomate and told the press all of your embarrassing secrets. Do it for Geno. The only three syllable words he knows how to say are 'spaghetti' and 'atmosphere'. He's been working so hard to learn this alien language will Sergei Gonchar's little girl, and we're all so proud of him. If you were to look up the definition of 'perserverence' in the Russian-English dictionnary, you would find Geno. Do it for Jordan Eberle. He saved Canada in the very last seconds of our remaining dignity, when the most dedicated of canadian fans had lost all hope and were beginning to turn off the television or radio. Do it for all of Canada. We believe in you, Sid. Represent.

By the way, Max, your beard makes you look like a hobo.