Gotta Get Down

So only a few games left in the regular season before the playoffs and the Senators' much-hyped golfing season. They officially have a spot in the draft draw for the top pick, so they'll have like a 10-20% chance of winning depending on their final placement in the league. The Oilers are officially number 30, which means YAY! 48% chance that they'll win. Not that that really means anything, the draft is always a surprise. Who knows, perhaps Toronto will make a split-second Boston move and trade Phil Kessel to Ottawa for their spot in the draw. Haha.

Daniel Alfredsson isn't going to be returning for this season, apparently his back injury is no laughing matter, according to the Ottawa Citizen. It isn't a surgery-related issue...yet. And also in the paper this morning Alfy and Spezza were included in the best Senators players in their many (19) years in the NHL. So, technically, of all time. That anyone remembers. Technically. Anyway. Also included in the list were Marian Hossa, Wade Redden and Zdeno Chara. Wade Redden doesn't play in the NHL anymore. Chara is currently a hated player around the Canada-area for his hit on Pacioretti. And Hossa...is still Hossa. HO$$A. I dunno. He's one of the only remaining players on the Chicago Blackhawks. And Spezza and Alfredsson still play for Ottawa. Enough said.

Someone asked me the other day if I knew that my title was spelled wrong. I do know. I spell loonie in the french fashion. Loonie isn't even a word in french, however that is my excuse. I find 'ey' too american, don't you? Well excuse me for bringing a little culture to the group. We could all stand to be taken down a peg or two when it comes to preserving our Canadian heritage. I wonder what percentage of my L.E readers are American. Hopefully a healthy dose. I like to think I have a relatively diverse range of peoples around here. I think I lost track of what I was talking about. Wouldn't be the first time, anyway.

We Goin' On A Cruise

COLBY HAD A CHILD! COLBY HAD A CHILD! COLBY FREAKING ARMSTRONG HAD A FUCKING KID!!!!

This almost makes up for everything that's gone wrong with Chicago.
...almost.

Aw, fuck. I cannot go through this again. Not again. Colby Armstrong named his kid Cruise. CRUISE! Cruise Samson Armstrong. W-O-W.

Love Colby. Looooove him. He's growing up. I can't believe this. He's getting so mature and old. He's such an oldie. Everyone's getting married and having kids. It sucks. Except when it's Army. Because he makes good descisions. Mel is good for him. But God. First Spezz gets married. And then he has a child. And then Colby has a child. And now Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood are getting married.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Yeah, the happy couple are having the wedding tomorrow. In Georgia. At some insanely expensive golf resort. It was supposed to be a secret location. But it came out in the paper this morning. LOLZ. And did you know she's changing her name to Fisher? Can you believe that? Carrie Fisher. Whattafail.

Anyway, that's it for today. Let's sum up, shall we? Colby's got a baby, named Cruise. Mel=good wife. Spezz is still suckish, and Carrie Fisher is pregnant with Mike's baby.

Shame On You, Ottawa Boo-Birds, Unhappy Spezza Doesn't Deserve You

**letter sent in to the citizen soon to come, Kristie Stewart, thank you, thank you so much**

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

SAY WHAT?! part 2

Here's another installment of SAY WHAT?!, a once used segment on Loonie Engraved. But just before we begin, there's something I'd like to say.

"I'm going to make a speech today. Some of you will like it, and some of you will not. But if there's one thing that I've learned over the past year, it's that all of you will applaud."

-Colin Laroche, 2010

*you should know that I didn't make the majority of these, you don't have to blame me*

A Day in the Life of an Italian Hockey Player

Happy happy birthday Jason. I didn't want to have to celebrate this, but, ironically enough, something showed up in the paper this morning that forced me to mention you once again. Apparently, you're getting traded. Hah. Imagine that.

"Happy 27th, Jay. We're going to have to get rid of you. Oh, and congrats on the baby."

LAUGHING OUT LOUD. It isn't a legit deal yet, though. Murray's just making some calls, doing some shit, trying to get Spezz the fuck outta here without hurting his feelings too much in the process. The problem is, I figure no one will want him much after the past two seasons he's had. Oh well. Guess we'll have to put him on wivers alongside the Cheechoo train.

This is a happy day. Sophia, good luck. Your father is a flop. More than that, he's a plug. A plug on the ice and a flop off it. I mean, he's an Italian hockey player. That's like, the biggest oxy-moron I've ever heard in my life! I predicted he would have a girl. Know why? Because he doesn't have enough sperm to produce anything else. Know what's gonna happen? He's gonna introduce his little princess into Timbits hockey at the age of four, and she's going to play her entire life and never make it past house-league. The Spezza family does not have enough jeans in their pants to make even a decent female hockey player. Jason will be on cloud 9 for about a year after young Sophia Donna was born, and then he will come to realize the potential of his sorry life, or lack of, rather. He will get traded, he will get benched on his new american team, he will go his whole life without ever winning a Stanley Cup and his loving family will end up aimlessly forgotten in the book of life. Some day, maybe 10, 15 years from now, in Hockey Night in Canada, Don Cherry will look at Ron, both old and grey and living life to its fullest without any regard for the consequences and be like, "Hey, remember this guy?"

Denial

Taken from the Ottawa Citizen on June 11th, 2010:

Jason Spezza a Proud Papa of a Baby Girl

OTTAWA — Jason and Jennifer Spezza are the proud parents of Sophia Donna, the Ottawa Senators confirmed Friday.

The baby girl was born June 8 around 11 p.m. Thursday at St. Joseph's Health Centre in Toronto.

No other details were immediately available.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Jason Spezza anymore?

I lied.
He turns 27 tomorrow.

SHHTAAAAH! The Ashbury Way.

I am soooooo over Jason Spezza. I don't even like to look at him anymore. "Sure, Al," you say. "I totally believe that you're over Jason Spezza. I am currently extremely stealthily being rudely sarcastic right under your nose." ..."It's true." I say, catching on to your undosclosed sarcasm with an ease that surprises even a black-belted vietnamese ninja like yourself. And it is true. I don't lie very often, and when I do it's completely worth it. Giggles has gone in one ear, twirled around in my brain for a little while, dancing and singing to Beatles songs played on the banjo by an arabian chimpazee, and shot right out the other in a tremendous flash of bright green and pinkish-purple light. It happened out of nowhere, but had absolutely no affect on my outside body. I handled the situation quite calmly, you might even call the event tedious. And now I am over it. Jason Spezza no longer exists in my heart. I turn away in disgust when I see him. Not a second glance from me will he ever recieve.


Bee tee dubs. Like the new picture? I made it myself. Chirps. I got it off of Google. Had you fooled though, eh? I don't know what it means.

Do I Really Wanna Rip My Heart Out, Though?

This is an exerpt from the Morning's Ottawa Citizen:


BABY NEWS

Senators centre Jason Spezza and his wife, Jennifer, are expecting their first child at the end of June.

They don't know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl and say they're not going to ask.

"One of life's last mysteries," Spezza said Sunday.


You're probably thinking right now that I'm gonna start ranting about what a ho bag Spezz and Smelly are now, because they're starting a new family. But you're wrong.

It's true. I seem to have moved past Giggles. See, the thing is, he keeps trying to get attention. Like, first, he and Dany Boy have a falling out, involving the entire league, and then he goes and decides to get married, right, and take up three FULL pages of the sports section with pictures of him kissing his wife at the altar. And then he goes and invents for himself a stupid laugh that he uses in the randomest of situations, forcing TSN and Sportscentre to replay the clip over and over again until they can't stand to hear it anymore. And if all that weren't enough, now he's knocked up his wife.

Is that possible? Does it still count as knocking up if you're married? Whatever. It sounds mean and sketchy, and that is what they deserve. Because they are mean and sketchy people.

But you know what, Jason Spezza? I don't care anymore. You can try and get attention all you want, but we don't care. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. For all I care, you can put a huge-ass photograph of you and your new family at the hospital with your naked new-born baby in your arms. And you know what else? No one will take a second glance. Hell, they might even turn away in disgust. In disgust!

So you better think, next time you wanna get attention. Think about the people who are actually gonna listen. Because I'm sure that in the end, those aren't the ones you wanted to hear you.

The Hockey Player's Guide: How to Make a Girl Swoon

I would just like to make something known to the world today.

Mike Fisher high-fived me at the New Jersey game. No, not one of those fake air high-fives from the ice, he actually high-fived me, like, hand to hand contact. Well, no. My hand to his glove contact. Which makes it like fifteen times better.

See, I went to where the players come out of the dressing room and walk out onto the ice, and I stuck my hand out to see if any of the guys would maybe make my day. The first half just...didn't. Maybe it was because I was wearing my Kris Letang jersey to the game. I made a point to make myself known as a Penguins fan. I got booed. It was awesome.

Anyway, most of the Senators ignored me, and my outstreched hand. But then the future Mr. Carrie Underwood waltzed out, almost completely oblivious to everything around him and 100% in his zone. He did not see my Leswoon jersey. He did not look up to make sure I was a Sens fan. He simply stuck out his glove, without even glancing in my direction, and taped his hand against mine. And, with that, just about my whole life was made. He gave my life meaning.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I was jubilant after that; I was the happiest person in the world. Nothing could rain on my parade. A pimp could spit in my mouth and I wouldn't care. So I didn't care much when Jason Spezza walked out. I still had my hand out, you know, just in case, and also because I was in so much after-shock from the Mike Fisher touching that I became momentarily paralyzed. Spezza, obviously, being the caring and excrutiatingly friendly man that he is, decided to make my day/week/year/life even better. No, he did not high-five me. He lifting up his stick, blade first, and touched my hand with it. With his stick.

So, to sum up: Mike Fisher glove and Jason Spezza blade. My left had shall never be washed again. And also, I was on TV. I was sitting directly behind the space between the two benches, where the camera dude films the game and all that, and he decided to turn it on me. I don't know why he did it, he knew I was wearing a Pittsburgh jersey after all. But, either way, he had his camera on me for about ten seconds. I didn't look at it, so from the TV it might look as if I were completely oblivious to the whole thing, but I knew. Oh, I knew.



Congratulations on the freakishly long winning streak, by the way, Ottawa. It is getting kind of old. You've already beaten the best team in the league, the best players in the league, and now the best goalie in the history of the NHL. Way to go. You can stop now. Please. It's annoying.

For the Love of God

I just found out that Jesse Winchester, of the Ottawa Senators if you didn't know which you really should, has a really cool nickname. They call him "The Lane Finder". How awesome is that? He isn't even fully on the team, he keeps switching back from Binghamton to Ottawa and back again. That must be tough. It sucks that they make the farm teams so far away from the actual NHL team. Someone should look into that. If not for me, for our good friend Jesse. He isn't even really a part of the team and they still give him a nickname. How great is that? That really shows how loving and caring and giving and recieving and open-minded and greatful and manly and humble and nice the Ottawa Senators are. Hell, they kicked Buffalo's ass the other night without two of their best players! That, ladies and gentlemen, shows depth. The Sens have a depth like you have never seen. If they're missing a big goalscorer, like when Dany Douchebag Heatley ditched during the summer and completely screwed over two NHL franchises, they have people step up to take the plate. Like Mike Fisher. He is having the greatest season of his life, not to mention his new fiance with the million dollar engagement ring. And when the Sens are missing a big hitter, like when Chris Neil was out for a while and we thought all hope was lost, BAM! Matt Carkner. There are even debates now that Matt Carkner could even beat Chris Neil in a cage fight. That's huge! So, when Ottawa lost Jason Spezza, they didn't cry! Well, most of them didn't. You know, I'm not counting myself in all of this. But anyway, they weren't upset because they knew that their team had the depth to make up for their loss and come out on top in any situation. They were on top of the world, they could conquer anything! Well, that was all until that faithful (fateful?) night about a week ago when they got their asses handed to them on a silver plater by the defending Stanley Cup champions. They lost their captain, they lost their dignity, and, worst of all, they lost their hope. There was no hope for their next game that they had to play against the Buffalo Sabres. They didn't have Alfredsson, a fearless leader and an amazing play-maker with a killer shot, and they didn't have Spezza, someone who hasn't really been on his game the past two seasons (something I have and will always to continue to blame on his wife) but a stand-up guy all the same. The poor little Senators didn't know what to do! They were lost and confused; they knew they needed to depend on someone, but who? Not Kovalev...sure, he's a great hockey player; he has amazing hands and a snipe that could rip right through Brian Miller's glove, but he's not dependable. Hell, they needed someone consistent, someone who they could count on to do what was best in the time when it matterd most. Someone, someone like Fisher. Yes, he would be their captain, he would be their leader. He would be the one to lead them into the abiss. Or would he? Would he continue to do what he's been doing all season long? Would he make the passes, take the hits, and rack up the points? Or would he crash and burn? We've seen it happen many-a-time before; you're only hope in the world fail on you in your time of need. Maybe it's all the preasure. You know, it's really hard to funtion when a whole city of caffeine-crazed hockey fans is depending on you. Maybe that's Kovalev's problem. Well, we'll never know for sure, but I have a theory about him. When we're all excited, we're thinking, "Good, we've got Alexei Kovalev, he'll replace Dany Heatley no problem, he'll solve all our problems." That's when things will go wrong! That's when he'll crash and burn! See? When we give up on him completely, when we say, "Jesus Christ, we've made the biggest mistake of our lives, bringing this turd on the team. He can't do shit for anybody!" That's when he'll shine! Don't you guys get it yet? That's why he's so inconsistent! Wow, I'm just one kid and I figured that out. You'd think the greatest hockey minds in the world would be able to figure it out too. I mean, if the game against Buffalo wasn't enough proof for you, I don't know what else to give. Kovalev was amazing that game. He kicked ass. In the "stud" and "dud" report in the newspaper yesterday, he was the stud! Kovalev is a great hockey player, and don't you ever forget it!



Wow, what the hell was I talking about here?

Jason Spezza Goals

Sorry I haven't posted in a while; there have been some things going on.

Jason scored his very first goal of the season a few days back, it was a pretty nice one too. Top corner, less than a minute left in over-time. Good timing, Jay. Also, good timing on your second goal tonight. The shootout winner, stuffed in just beside the pad, off the post, off the goalie's butt and in. Not too pretty, but still a goal.

I think Clouston should stop letting Alfie take the shootouts. Every year Alfie takes them. I can't remember the last time he scored a shootout goal. It makes me sad when I see him skating up after Kovalev scores his goals. That's what Kovalev is handy for. He always scores in shootouts. Spezz usually comes third. He's about 50/50. I think Ryan Shannon should shoot. He's really, really good. He can skate down the length of the ice in about three strides.

I kind of have mixed feelings about when Spezz has a good game. Of course, I want him to play well, I love him, so, naturally, that's how I feel. But I can't help but think that whenever he has a good game, he's gonna get laid. Stupid Jen Snell, messing with my mind. She's probably shagging him right now. See what this is doing to me? Sometimes I wish he would just dump her already. Wait, did I say sometimes? ALWAYS.

Injured Reserve

If the injured player percentage continues spiralling down at this rate, there won't be any players left by the end of next week. It all began with poor Maxime, who had a shoulder surgery during the summer and wasn't expected to be back for four to five months. That was...three or four months ago, so not long left to wait!

Then Adam Burish got injured during one of the pre-season games, and won't be back playing for a while. That was pretty sad. I got over it. But then, low and behold, Sergei Gonchar. A broken foot. Out.

Not long after, Johnny Toews gets caught with his head down, and gets slammed in the middle of the ice. I almost cried when that happened; he went down right away, spun a bit, got up, took a few measly steps, and fell over again. I could tell he was embarrassed; he went straight to the bench. It was kind of funny though, on the bench they kept the camera on him, and his teammates and coaches kept coming up to him askin gif he as okay. There was no sound, but you could read their lips. After the first few, Jon was like, "Yeah, I'm fine," but then the more they came and came and came, he was all like, "I'M FINE, OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Yeah, I know. I laughed.

So, Tazer is out with a concussion or something. And then Spezz leaks out that he might sit a game or two because of "bumps and bruises", in his own words. He never ended up skipping any, until last night against Tampa Bay, where he said to be out with a back problem. The Sens didn't do too well without him, I'll tell you that. I hope he comes back soon.

Well, I thought that was enough injuries of my favorite players, don't you? Guess the Hockey Gods didn't think so. They decided, "Oh, Sergei Gonchar seems lonely, all injured by himself. Let's give him a Russian to keep him company!" So they decide to take my Geno. *tear*

If this keeps up, soon Sid and Ovie'll get hurt too, and then what'll those commentators talk about all game long?

The Sens Lost. Again.

The Sens lost again. Ahh, geez. At least it went into shootouts this time. That was cool. You know, I expected Kovalev to score. He has the nicest hands, he should be about to deek around any goalie no problem. But instead, tonight, he chose to shoot at the net from about ten feet away and go wide. Nice thinking, Alexei. KIDDING. I love you. You are a true Habitant. You will return there someday and finish your career there. I know you will. You said so yourself. Haha, you know what would be funny? If the Habs never got him back, and he kept playing until he was like 60, and they'd all be like, "Hey, AK27, why havent you retired yet?" And he'll be all like, "I shall only retire once I have fulfilled my destiny of ending my career with Montreal. Yes, that's right, my destiny. I made it for myself. What are you talking about, of course you can do that. Stupid non-believers. " Yeah, that's what he'll say. And then he'll die playing for some shit team like the Kings who will only take him because they can't afford to get anyone else.

Anyway, I tend to get distracted easily. I was talking about the shootout. Alfie shot second. He did almost the exact same thing as Kovalev did, cept his didn't go wide. He went off the pad. His shot was pretty dang awful, too. It was a wrister, and yet it did not fly. Wierd, eh? At least Kovalev's was off the ice a tad.

Spezza shot third. Yay! That's as peppy as I can be for the moment, after seeing what a crap shot he did. It wasn't even a shot, he just stickhandled and stickhandled and stickhandled in front of the net slowly inching forward, and then gave it to the goalie. He was like, "Here buddy, have a puck. Oh no, you stay put, I'll just give it to you. Here, right up on your pad, there you go. Good job, man. Good game tonight."

I can't believe Boston caught up. It was 3-1 for Christ's sake! Sorry to any um...religious people out there who I may have offended with that. I'm an Athiast, just letting you know. I think God is bullshit, along with evolution. Stupid scientists whoever thought up that load of crap. Okay, if I hadn't offended any one already, that probably shoulda done it. Please keep reading my blog. I'll be nicer, I promise.

Uhm, I'd just like to have a short bragging session right now, if that's okay. Actually no, it's more like complaining. See, my hockey team, we sell wreaths and leaf bags and shit like that and we go door to door asking for contributions to our hockey assciation. Yeah, I know, but how else are we supposed to lose every single game all season wearing welfare jerseys? That take time. Anyway, this girl on my team, Laura, she lives in the same neighbourhood as Jay Spezz. I know. I remind her how jealous I am of her every day. Apparently she sees Jenny Snell walking around her street all the time. Apparently she's really short. I believe that. She's also apparently really pretty. I do not believe that. Anyways, Laura's gone to his house a couple times, you know, fundraisers and such, trickertreating, ect. But Smelly Snelly always answers the door. You know, to let JayJay avoid the paparatzi and all. But today, Laura goes up to the door and knocks, expecting to find nothing more than that blond slut showing up in her face, when guess who opens the door? Yeah, I know. Spezz did. He opens it and he'll like, "Yes?" And then Laura's voice goes all high and squeaky and she'll like, "Hi, we're from the Ottawa Girls Hockey Association and we were wondering if you'd like to make a donation-" and before she can even finish, Spezz is like, "Ottawa? Yay! One sec," and he dissapears into that multi-million dollar house of his. Yeah, I'm not even lying right now, he did say yay. Totally hot. Yeah, and while he's gone, my friend Hannan turn to Laura and says "Oh my fucking God!" right before he shows up around the corner. They don't know if he heard. Anyway, he comes back with a ten dollar bill, and gives it to them. A ten dollar bill! You know how much money he makes in a year? He makes millions a season, and all he can think to give poor cute like 14 year old hockey players in ten measly dollars? If I had been there, I would have given him a look. A look he woulda remembered for a while, let me tell you. Anyway, he gives them the money and then they're all just standing there, and he's looking down at them expectantly. It last for about ten seconds before my other friend Aisha finally asks for an autograph. The moment the words leave her lips, he's got a pen in hand and at the ready. Apparently he keeps a pen behind the door at all times, in case of immergency autograph signings. I think that's pretty smart, you know, thinking ahead. I like that in a man. It also shows arrogance, like he expects that everyone who shows up at his door is gonna ask for an autograph. Which they are, but it's cocky to assume so. Anyway, Spezz tries to signing her team jersey, but the pen doesn't work! So he'll all like, "Oh, sorry, I'll just go get another one," and he spends twenty minutes running around the house looking for a fucking pen. And they're just standing there in the doorway, looking at each other with smiles that say, "I am mildly content and mildly amused right now." Yeah, you know that look. Anyway, after 20 minutes he comes back all out of breath with a pen and signs around, and then they say thank you and he closes the door and and they leave. And then they come to hockey practice and tell me all about it. Because they know I love him. And they felt like flaunting it around in my face. Because they're mean. Aisha even wore the jersay that he signed during the whole practice. I got mad, but then she told me that he was wearing a tight, white, short-sleeved shirt and that his arms looked really really great, so I forgot about my anger and spent the rest of the day dreaming about that. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic.

Because I'm Leaving

I'm just putting this here because I'm going to Quebec City tomorrow, and I wanted to leave you guys with something while I'm gone. Take it home with you, chew it. Don't worry, I'll be back in four days :)

This is Eric Staal and his wife Tanya at their wedding. Look, you can almost see the speech bubble coming out of his mouth the says, "What the fuck have I gotte myself into?"

Oh, see, there it is.

Bee tee dub, those were my mad Paint skills at work. It took me litterally half an hour to make that little speech bubble, no joke. And also, what is it with these hockey player weddings and the vintage cars? I mean, we know you have money guys, you don't need to rub it in our faces. Jason Spezza had one too! His was a vintage Rolls Royce, but who's keeping track of useless little informations like that? No one. Except for me. That's why I don't have any friends. Except for you guys. You guys are my friends. Does anyone even read this thing? Because if not, I've litterally been talking to no one for the past six months. Ahh shit.

Some Realisations

You know what I just realized? Jordan Staal and Jason Spezza have the same initials. Uh-huh, yeah. Two of my favorites. You know, I think I'm attracted to the J names. Or maybe it's the S ones. I don't know. All I know is that this little mishap won't come in the way of either of my relationships with Jason or Jordy. I never really like Jason Smith because he shared Spezz's initials and coincidentaly, first name. But, Smith is now retired (which I think Murray might have forced on him in order to get under the salary cap) and all was at peace again...until I found out about J Staal! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

Just to keep you posted, Dany Heatley still hasn't been traded. I'm SURE Murray is trying as hard as he possibly can to get him out of Ottawa (note the heavy sarcasm), but it just isn't working out. I personally want Heater to stay here. Not that I like him or anything, I just think it might be fun to see how the season plays out with Dany on bad side of every single one of his teammates. Some say he ows nothing but a valid explanation, but others seem to want more from their discheveled right winger. I think it'll be amusing to see how they want him to repay them for all the chaos his trade request has caused. The tension in the dressing may break out onto the ice...I want there to be a fight. Yeah, I want one of the Sens to randomly punch Dany Heatley in the face. That would make my life. Whoever would do that would have to someday be engraved on the loonie. Maybe ever the toonie? You've probably noticed by now that I really don't care whether or not the Sens win this season. Well, I don't. I don't like them. Not one bit. The only reason I watch them every other night is to see Spezz and Ryan Shannon. I love Ryan Shannon. So much.