Kovalchuk Finally Makes a Move, Gagne to Bolts

There are two new changes to report. I'm going to use bullets.

• Ilya Kolvalchuk has finally made a deal. After about the longest wait of all time, special little Ilya has finally cracked a roster. They called it, "A Deal With The Devil". He's going back to New Jersey, the move everyone suspected he would make, but what we didn't expect was the monster deal he would conduct. 102 million over 17 years. Holy fuck. Those are big numbers. He's going to get paid until he's 44 years old. Can you say Chris Chelios?

• Philedelphia star Simon Gagne got traded away to Tampa. Whoo! I'm cheering because I'm hoping this will mark the beginning of the decay of the Flyers franchise. Simon sounded super duper excited to be a part of the Lightning, saying he was anticipating playing with the likes of Vincent Lecavalier, Steven Stamkos and Martin St-Louis. It's funny because Vinny didn't even play on that top line last season, and I didn't hear Ryan Malone's name being mentioned anywhere in there. No problem. Stammers' rep with help old Bugsy out. I wonder if they still call him Bugsy over there in the sunny place. They better. God, I miss when we had two Ryans on our team. We would call them "The two Ryans". *sigh*

Also, Jason Spezza's still in Ottawa, just in case anyone's still interested.

You Are So Worth It

So. I think...Chicago needs to not let Philly tie up the series. It's too late to change that now, but hell, let's try and keep their wins to a minimun, kay boys? You didn't work this hard all season to make it all the way here and then let the Flyers take your cup. Hear that? Your cup. This is your year, boys. This is your time. You are so worth it, you are so god damn worth it.* Best of three series starts now.

"Drown these fucking rats."**

Hawks in 6.


*Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby, OFSAA gold medal game vs. Barry Central, Markham, ON, 10:00 a.m, June 5th, 2010.

**Jen Boyd, Ashbury College Senior Girls Rugby 2010, regular season game vs. St. Pete's, ahead by one point at the start of the second half.

I Am Ironman, nah nah nah nah nah nah

Did you even see the fucking game last night? I'm not even gonna talk about it. That's how epic it was. It was so goddamn epic that I'm not even gonna tell you what the score was. But I will say this: yesterday, the score stood at 9-0 Philedelphia after two games. Now, after three games, the score stands 2-1 Philedelphia. Justice? I think so. Kick their ass, Habitants. You're in your home now. Kill 'em. Habs in 6.


Now, on to more important matters. Grey's Anatomy two-hour season finale last night. Here where I'm gonna break the hearts of everyone who hasn't watched it yet. Can I freak out please? Thank you. SO MANY PEOPLE DIED! LIKE, WTF? HOW COULD YOU JUST KILL SO MANY PEOPLE?! THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE!!!! AND YOU SHOT ALEX! AND YOU SHOT DEREK! AND YOU SHOT OWEN! GAHHHH! AND YOU KILLED MEREDITH'S BABY! IT DIDN'T EVEN GET TO LIVE! Thank you, I guess, for not killing off any of the main characters. All you did was get rid of all the useless extras, so I guess that was alright. But man, what an episode. Jesus Christ. I'm not religious, so I'll use that name in vain. That was such a fucking intense two hours. The shooting began in like the first 10 minutes too, and it was like, I have to watch two hours of this?! But I did anyway. And after a while, it was like really? Really? Are you still shooting people? Really? And now all I can think about is how I have to wait until next year to see the next episode. This sucks. Life sucks. You suck.

There we go. That was my rant. One good rant a day keeps you healthy. Tonight, Chicago will continue their sweep. All is good in the world at the moment.
All is good.

Who's Line Was It, Anyway?

This has been some week so far. A week that, unfortunately, I'd much rather forget. So, to take my mind off of:

• the fact that the Habs just lost 3-0 to Philly in game two of the series
• the fact that in two games, they've had 9 goals against and ZERO goals for
• the fact that Leighton, who just happens to be Philedelphia's third string goalie, is completely schooling us
• the fact that Leighton used to be a benchwarmer for Montreal only 25 months ago
• the fact that Halak let in a shot that a peewee house-league goalie probably could've stopped without much trouble
• the fact that the Habs might end their amazing playoffs run here, beating out the two best teams in their pool only to lose to Philedelphia
• the fact that the Habs have begun to burry themselves into an incredibly deep hole that will take all the desire that they're currently lacking to dig themselves out of

...I'm turning to a certain someone for a little but of light humor. Kris Letang, thank you for covering your entire left arm with tatoos. You've given us so much joy and happiness.

He says the top portion of the tatoo is dedicated to his grandmother, and the bottom part is for Luc Bourdon, his best friend who died in a motorcycle accident in 2008. You might remember me telling you about him a little while back. Apparently, Luc was an avid guitarist, hence the tatoo of the guitar on Kris' newly renovated bicep.

I don't know about you, but I don't mind tatoos. In fact, I rather do like them. I think they're incredibly sexy. Kris Letang wears them well. I think the Pens should all get matching tats. A bunch of them already have some already; Max Talbot, Pascal Dupuis, former Penguin Ryan Malone, and now Kris. I'm sure Sidney also has an embarrassing tatoo hidden somewhere.

Enjoy the video: Ptit diner avec mon ami Kris Letang chez Olive et Gourmando

At least we have hope for Chicago. Patrick Kane's mullet is magic.

...Habs in 6?

**Thanks to Micaela for informing me on this subject. Thanks as well to Hockey for the Ladies, although I didn't ask your permission. Please try not to get angry with me**

Bastardo!

Jordan Eberle turned 20 yesterday. Whoopteedo. I would put up a super montage of Messiah pics for you, but to tell you the truth, I'm just too goddamn depressed about the Habs. They just lost 6-0 to Philedelphia. Philedelphia! My theory is, Philly is simply riding a high from winning 4 straight over Boston. It'll pass, and so will Montreal's current need to do everything on their own. There's a reason that there's five other people out there on the ice with you, Camelleri, Gomez. Maybe you should consider taking advantage of them. You did it against Washington and Pittsburgh, why not the Flyers? They suck. They were singing the Olay Olay Olay Olay Olay song tonight. That's Montreal's song! We invented that song! You can't just steal it from us and then use it against us in your own arena. That's bullshit. It's a little early for goodbye songs if you ask me, anyway. There are still six games left in this series, and we intend on using every last minute of them. And then we'll be the ones singing goodbye. Bloody fucking bastards.


Geez. I just got pretty angry there. It's gotta be Philedelphia. It's their fans. They're just so...mean. Geno said it best: "I think Philedelphia fans its...its not good fans because its...its...when sit bench its popcorn, its...my head, its...not good."
He always did say it best, though, didn't he.

WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Looks like I'll be keeping that Habs logo up there for a little bit longer. Goodbye, Pittsburgh. Next year, I'll love you again. But I only have space for one true love at a time, and at the moment, the Miracle Montreal Canadiens have captured my heart, as well as the hearts of everyone else in Canada. These are the best playoffs of all time.

Habs in 7. What did I tell you? Twice in a row my predictions have worked. Up next? Habs vs. either Philly or Boston. That's just too wierd. The last playoff seed against either the second last seed or the third last seed. These are wacky times, gents. Can you guess what I'm gonna say next?

Habs in 4.

His and Her Story

Okay, so, the deed is done. Chicago has finally gotten rid of Vancouver. You know what I say to that? It's about goddamn time. Jesus.



So now, only one game of importance remains. Sure, Boston still has to play Philedelphia. And Philedelphia could overrun Boston just like Montreal did against Washington oh-so-long-ago, but we don't care about that. The only thing we care about right now, is one game. The only thing in life that we have to even worry about right now is the game tonight. Tonight, Montreal plays Pittsburgh. Tonight, you win, and you move on. Tonight, you lose, and you're out. Forever.

This is the game, folks. History WILL be made.

It's A Predictable Future

Okay, so update. Some relevant information without all those uplifting comments and shit.

• San Jose won game 5, so Detroit=OUT and Sharks=moving on to Western Conference Finals. This also means that you should now officially ignore the Red Wings tidbit in the poll.
• On Monday, Boston has the opportunity to get rid of those pesky Flyers. They will win. You know, when asked who he thought was the most annoying player in the NHL, Maxime Talbot, without much hesitation I might add, said Carcillo and Hartnell, both belonging to Philedelphia. I thought that was pretty funny. Max was also asked which player he thought was the hardest working in the NHL, and he said Sidney Crosby. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
• Also on Monday, Pittsburgh has the opportunity to eliminate the Montreal Canadiens. They will not win.
• Tonight, the Hawks plays Vancouver. If Chicago wins, they will take out the Canucks and continue on the play the Sharks in the next round.

Okay, now for some wishful thinking. Montreal will win on Monday because they have more desire than the Penguins do. They will tie up the series and send it into game seven, which they will win as well. They will then move on the Eastern Conference Finals and play Boston, who will have beaten out Philedelphia because, let's face it, the Flyers suck shit. It will be an intense series in which Camelleri will reach a new level of domination and Chara will drop down half-an inch. The Habs will win that series in six games and will move on to the Stanley Cup Finals, in which they will play the Chicago Blackhawks, who will have recently beat out first the Vancouver Canucks and then the San Jose Sharks, both in 6 games. By this time, Jonathan Toews will have fully grown out his beard and will have perfected his Wolverine look. Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish will notice this improvement and will, without Tazer's knowing, enter him in a superhero look-alike competition, which he will win. Montreal and Chicago will battle it out for the Stanley Cup for seven long games, by the end of which no one in Canada will have any clean underpants left to wear. Much to the Habs' chagrin, game 7 will go to the Hawks, and Johnny will become the second youngest captain to ever hoist Lord Stanley. He will then be interviewed on the ice, during which he will say his youthful team did a "fucking great job", reminiscent of the time he won the world juniors. Montreal, crestfallen, will have a go at Stanley the next post-season, but will come up short, with Pittsburgh winning their second cup in three years. The Canadiens year will come next, though, with their captain Brian Gionta leading them to victory, giving them their first taste of playoff gold since 1993, adding a 25th cup to their collection. This will be their first and only cup of the decade, making a 14 year dent in their record until they win it again.

By this time, Sidney Crosby will have retired, and will have long admitted to his homosexuality. He will live a long and plentiful life, happily married to a skinny man named Ryan with two cats and a beach house in Miami.

Montreal Misses You, Kovalev

I went to the Ottawa-Philedelphia game today...what a game.

First goal is scored by Philly right off the bat, and we're all like 'oh shit'. But then, all outta no where, Kovalev scores two goals. So does Chris Kelly, making it 4-1 Sens after the first. So, my sister and I at the game are all cheering for a shootout, right, because we were right up at the front and we wanted to someone to pull an Ovechkin and hurl their bodies at the glace after a goal. But once the Sens go up by three goals, we think all hope is lost, right?

Wrong.

Second period, Flyers throw in three extra goals, tying it up at 4. Life is good again for the people who don't give a shit about the Sens and just wanna see some good tough hockey. Because when the score is tight, that's when it's gonna get rough.

Third period. Everything's intense. Everyone's on the edge of their seats and...guess who? Alex Kovalev, throwing in another puck for his second hat-trick of the season. Unfortunately, we did not have any hats on our person, but my sister did get a special red Ottawa hat tossed her way, which she gracefully lauched on the ice. Chris Kelly tosses another one in, putting the Sens up 6-4, burrying our shoot-out dreams in the ground and buying us all a free slice of pizza. And, you know, funnily and ironically enough, they used to call the Alfredsson-Spezza-Heatley line the Pizza line, because they used to contribute a lot to all the goals that the Sens used to score, you know, before their game went to hell, and not a single member of that line was present in that game. Alfie and Spezz are injured, and Heater, as you know, is off making history with his new friends in the hot hot sun.

So, the game starts getting a little bit better. Time is running out, and there's only one thing left for Philly to do: smash Ottawa's face into the boards. Which is exactly what they tried to do, not much to any avail. There were no fights today. I have never been so dissapointed with Neil and Carkner in my entire life. Neil did not get one pernalty the entire game. Not one. And my seats were right next to the box. I was looking forward to saying hello to him.

Anyhow, Kovalev decides to put another goal in, just for fun. You know, it seems that whenever he scores, he always has to make a huge deal of it and put in two or three more just to make it seem more special. Have you ever noticed that? He has 11 goals this season, and two hat-tricks. Today he had four goals and like three million assists. AK27 was on fire.

Both starting goalies for each respective team were pulled close to the beginning of the game. Pascal Leclaire looked extremely blue sitting there on the bench. His hair was hanging over his face in beautiful brown strands. It was a sight to behold, I can tell you.

Final score: Ottawa-7, Philedelphia-4. What an upset. Chris Pronger may be a beast, but today he played like crap. He is a disgrace to the dynasty that is the 2010 Canadian Olympic Team. Why he even made it is beyond me. And Richards wasn't anything special either. I'm beginning to wonder about Stevie Yzerman's current sanity. And Kovalev should've made the Russian team. No question.