22 is the Sex Year

Guess what day it is?? I'll tell you. Today is that day that Jonathan Toews turns 22. Not even kidding. Surprised at how old he is? So am I. You should've seen us last year, when he became legal. Crazy times if I'd ever seen any.

In recognition of Tazer, I'm gonna show you guys this video. I first saw this video a year ago, pretty damn close to the eve of his last birthday. I've neglected to show it to you sooner because, well...it makes me pretty angry, to tell you the truth. You see, I used to go to this french school. And I had this teacher.

His name. Was Racine. And he was bald. And not even like, that disease that causes you to lose hair or something. He fucking shaved his own goddamn head. You know how I know this? On Halloween, he dressed up as a king or some shit, and he thought it would go with the costume to have some peach fuzz or whatever. Well, he had the peach fuzz alright. On his chin, and his head.

Gross. I know. But that wasn't the worst thing about him. He was just so fucking...you know? I can't even explain. He wasn't human. He told us his sister was his girlfriend to cover up his homosexuality. Enough said?

But it was his accent that bothered me the most. Like, he had the most legit friend accent I've ever heard in my life, just like overpronouncing every fucking word and shit. It just made me wanna rip my own arm off just so I could have something to throw at him*. It was just Johnny T's goddamn french accent in that movie that made me want to fucking punch him the face and stuff those frog legs down his goddamn francophone throat.

I'm so sorry, Tazer. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I love you, but you, sir, are a douchebag francophone. Please don't make me ever repeat that again for as long as I live.

Happy birthday.


*I can't take credit for that line. I completely stole that from FRIENDS. Joey, thanks for that one. I swear that this won't be the last time I use it.

Baby Staal! Baby Staal!

I can't believe I'm so late on this. I've been waiting for this all summer, ever since I found out that Eric knocked (nocked?) up Tanya. It is still called knocked up if they're married? Anyway, I knew he was gonna be born some time in September but I didn't know what day, and then Wikipedia posts that it happened last tuesday! And I missed it! Oh well, its six days late, but here it is.

CONGRATS! The newborn, Parker Lucas Staal, wieghed in at 7lbs 14oz, which I think is pretty decent, dont you? He'll need another 200lbs on there if he wants to live up to the expectations of the fans he'll already have by the time he's 18. Way to go Eric, you're a father, at 24 too, which is pretty damn impressive. I thought you were wayyyyyy too young to get married, even now, with a two year anniversary under your belt. I just hope you know you're leaving your wife with a hell of a job to do, it'll almost be like she's a single mother, what with you being away all the time and all. I'm sure she can handle it, I hear she's a doll. Marc, Jordan and Jared, you're uncles, men. Step up to the task, take the lead. Babysit. Burp. Change those diapers. Don't be wusses, drink the damn brest-milk. It'll take some oreos at first, but soon you'll get the hang of it. It tastes like catelope juice, just ask Sidney Crosby. He'll know that from Friends, just like I do. Oh, the joys of parenthood.

Also, Baby Staal, or Parker (geez, he could've chosen a better name, dontcha think?), you have the honnor of being born on the same day as Mark Johnson, along with many others. For those of you who haven't seen Miracle, Mark Johnson was the star of the USA team at the Olympics. He was great. I hope BStaal can live up to that.

Congratulations Staal family, and good luck. Take my best. Henry and Linda, you're too young to be grandparents.