A Day in the Life of an Italian Hockey Player

Happy happy birthday Jason. I didn't want to have to celebrate this, but, ironically enough, something showed up in the paper this morning that forced me to mention you once again. Apparently, you're getting traded. Hah. Imagine that.

"Happy 27th, Jay. We're going to have to get rid of you. Oh, and congrats on the baby."

LAUGHING OUT LOUD. It isn't a legit deal yet, though. Murray's just making some calls, doing some shit, trying to get Spezz the fuck outta here without hurting his feelings too much in the process. The problem is, I figure no one will want him much after the past two seasons he's had. Oh well. Guess we'll have to put him on wivers alongside the Cheechoo train.

This is a happy day. Sophia, good luck. Your father is a flop. More than that, he's a plug. A plug on the ice and a flop off it. I mean, he's an Italian hockey player. That's like, the biggest oxy-moron I've ever heard in my life! I predicted he would have a girl. Know why? Because he doesn't have enough sperm to produce anything else. Know what's gonna happen? He's gonna introduce his little princess into Timbits hockey at the age of four, and she's going to play her entire life and never make it past house-league. The Spezza family does not have enough jeans in their pants to make even a decent female hockey player. Jason will be on cloud 9 for about a year after young Sophia Donna was born, and then he will come to realize the potential of his sorry life, or lack of, rather. He will get traded, he will get benched on his new american team, he will go his whole life without ever winning a Stanley Cup and his loving family will end up aimlessly forgotten in the book of life. Some day, maybe 10, 15 years from now, in Hockey Night in Canada, Don Cherry will look at Ron, both old and grey and living life to its fullest without any regard for the consequences and be like, "Hey, remember this guy?"

Denial

Taken from the Ottawa Citizen on June 11th, 2010:

Jason Spezza a Proud Papa of a Baby Girl

OTTAWA — Jason and Jennifer Spezza are the proud parents of Sophia Donna, the Ottawa Senators confirmed Friday.

The baby girl was born June 8 around 11 p.m. Thursday at St. Joseph's Health Centre in Toronto.

No other details were immediately available.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Jason Spezza anymore?

I lied.
He turns 27 tomorrow.

Do I Really Wanna Rip My Heart Out, Though?

This is an exerpt from the Morning's Ottawa Citizen:


BABY NEWS

Senators centre Jason Spezza and his wife, Jennifer, are expecting their first child at the end of June.

They don't know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl and say they're not going to ask.

"One of life's last mysteries," Spezza said Sunday.


You're probably thinking right now that I'm gonna start ranting about what a ho bag Spezz and Smelly are now, because they're starting a new family. But you're wrong.

It's true. I seem to have moved past Giggles. See, the thing is, he keeps trying to get attention. Like, first, he and Dany Boy have a falling out, involving the entire league, and then he goes and decides to get married, right, and take up three FULL pages of the sports section with pictures of him kissing his wife at the altar. And then he goes and invents for himself a stupid laugh that he uses in the randomest of situations, forcing TSN and Sportscentre to replay the clip over and over again until they can't stand to hear it anymore. And if all that weren't enough, now he's knocked up his wife.

Is that possible? Does it still count as knocking up if you're married? Whatever. It sounds mean and sketchy, and that is what they deserve. Because they are mean and sketchy people.

But you know what, Jason Spezza? I don't care anymore. You can try and get attention all you want, but we don't care. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. For all I care, you can put a huge-ass photograph of you and your new family at the hospital with your naked new-born baby in your arms. And you know what else? No one will take a second glance. Hell, they might even turn away in disgust. In disgust!

So you better think, next time you wanna get attention. Think about the people who are actually gonna listen. Because I'm sure that in the end, those aren't the ones you wanted to hear you.