Apollo

About a month ago, this is the post I began writing:

Fucking, goddamn Boston. I fucking hate Boston. They may be the team I hate most of all in the NHL at the moment. God. They think they can just swoop in there, defeat the Habs and then take second place right out from under Tampa, just like that? No!

Then, I thought about things for a minute. I went out for a run. I got a job. I now work in a library. It's a very calming work environment. I make minimum wage, but its better than 12 cents an hour making carpets and fake fur coats on the stinky streets of Boston.

...I mean India. Did I say Boston? Whoops. My bad.

Anyway, I'm over it. I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't even finish the game. I fell asleep, about halfway through the second. I didn't watch Boston win the cup. And you know what, I'm not ashamed of it. I am not a Canucks fan. And I am most definitely not a Bruins fan. So I've lost the will to care. Like I said; I work in a library. This year's playoffs ended for me after the first round.

Right now I'm more focused on the trades that have been going on. My ipod blares the TSN theme every time someone makes a move, so I'm right on that shit. My biggest concern at the moment would probably have to be the um...NIKITA FILATOV MOVING TO OTTAWA. Wait. WHAT?! Would you believe me if I told you I just discovered this now? NIKITA. FILATOV. Is coming to the Sens. WHAT THE FUCK? O.M.G.

Oh...kay. So that is officially my biggest concern. Oh my god wow. Okay. Calm self. Moving along. Second biggest concern. Ummm....hmm. Oh. Brian Campbell has been traded to the Panthers in exchange for some kid named Olesz. Sick last name, but to be honest I don't know who the fuck this is and imma miss the Ginge for sure. Poor Chicago defense. Oh, also Mike Richards was traded from Philly, and the Flyers got Brayden Schenn out of it, which is pretty cool. They also traded away Jeff Carter. Do I sense another Hawks catastrophe in the making? They did however acquire Ilya Bryzgalov, which is sick. Good move, I say. In other news, Tomas Kopecky goes to Islanders from Chicago...Oh, and most recently, Canucks traded Christian Ehrhoff for a 4th rounder. Ouch. Can you say slap in the face?

More news to come. Stay tuned. This is Al, signing off.

Money in the Bank

Habs are doing great so far, two wins in the bank. Just get back this one and it's only one more to go, Boston out. Habs rule all. Habs in 4.

'Atta Boy, Taytay

This whole year, everyone kept saying Tyler Seguin was going to go first. The scouts said it, the coaches said it, the announcers said it. It was always a battles between Taylor and Tyler, but somehow, Taylor Hall continuously fell short of expectations. He played for Team Canada in the World Juniors, he lead his Windsor Spitfires to win the Memorial Cup two years running, he won the Wayne Gretzy 99 Award, Eddie Powers Memorial Trophy, the Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophy and the Ed Chynoweth Trophy, all in the past two years. Did Tyler Seguin play for Baby Canada? Did Tyler Seguin win two Memorial Cups in a row? Did Tyler Seguin win all that shit-bucket of awards?

No. But somehow, all of those unbelievable achievements did not get Taylor ahead of Tyler in the running for No. 1 overall draft pick. It left him feeling pretty glum.

But Tayl0r Hall never gave up. And the Edmonton Oilers saw something in him that was obvious to the rest of us, but conspicuously hidden in the eyes of the NHL world. Taylor and Tyler both showed up at that draft. And who's name was called first?

Oh, Tay. You know you deserved this. And we know you deserved this. So suck in all this glory that you got now. And take the time to rub it in Tyler's face. Because this was your draft all along. We were here supporting you from the sidelines, and you never gave up because this was something you had worked for your entire life. Now, you get the opportunity to bring a drowning team down from the deepest depths of the standings and carry them on your back on the road to greatness. You're getting the opportunity to be Sidney Crosby. And I think you're ready.

Tyler Seguin, he doesn't get that opportunity. The Boston Bruins were in the playoffs this year. They even made it past the first round. That's not a team that needs rebuilding. Chances are, young Tyler won't even get to play next year. The Bruins are perfectly fine without him. He won't be a star. You, you Taylor Hall, will be a star. Screw Tyler. This draft will forever be know as Taylor vs. Tyler, and everyone will remember who came out on top. Five, ten years from now, people will look at this picture and say:

"Whatever happened to that other guy?"

The smile tells it all. Tyler, go cry in a hole. Leave Taylor to celebrate this moment. He deserves it more than anyone.

WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Looks like I'll be keeping that Habs logo up there for a little bit longer. Goodbye, Pittsburgh. Next year, I'll love you again. But I only have space for one true love at a time, and at the moment, the Miracle Montreal Canadiens have captured my heart, as well as the hearts of everyone else in Canada. These are the best playoffs of all time.

Habs in 7. What did I tell you? Twice in a row my predictions have worked. Up next? Habs vs. either Philly or Boston. That's just too wierd. The last playoff seed against either the second last seed or the third last seed. These are wacky times, gents. Can you guess what I'm gonna say next?

Habs in 4.

His and Her Story

Okay, so, the deed is done. Chicago has finally gotten rid of Vancouver. You know what I say to that? It's about goddamn time. Jesus.



So now, only one game of importance remains. Sure, Boston still has to play Philedelphia. And Philedelphia could overrun Boston just like Montreal did against Washington oh-so-long-ago, but we don't care about that. The only thing we care about right now, is one game. The only thing in life that we have to even worry about right now is the game tonight. Tonight, Montreal plays Pittsburgh. Tonight, you win, and you move on. Tonight, you lose, and you're out. Forever.

This is the game, folks. History WILL be made.

It's A Predictable Future

Okay, so update. Some relevant information without all those uplifting comments and shit.

• San Jose won game 5, so Detroit=OUT and Sharks=moving on to Western Conference Finals. This also means that you should now officially ignore the Red Wings tidbit in the poll.
• On Monday, Boston has the opportunity to get rid of those pesky Flyers. They will win. You know, when asked who he thought was the most annoying player in the NHL, Maxime Talbot, without much hesitation I might add, said Carcillo and Hartnell, both belonging to Philedelphia. I thought that was pretty funny. Max was also asked which player he thought was the hardest working in the NHL, and he said Sidney Crosby. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
• Also on Monday, Pittsburgh has the opportunity to eliminate the Montreal Canadiens. They will not win.
• Tonight, the Hawks plays Vancouver. If Chicago wins, they will take out the Canucks and continue on the play the Sharks in the next round.

Okay, now for some wishful thinking. Montreal will win on Monday because they have more desire than the Penguins do. They will tie up the series and send it into game seven, which they will win as well. They will then move on the Eastern Conference Finals and play Boston, who will have beaten out Philedelphia because, let's face it, the Flyers suck shit. It will be an intense series in which Camelleri will reach a new level of domination and Chara will drop down half-an inch. The Habs will win that series in six games and will move on to the Stanley Cup Finals, in which they will play the Chicago Blackhawks, who will have recently beat out first the Vancouver Canucks and then the San Jose Sharks, both in 6 games. By this time, Jonathan Toews will have fully grown out his beard and will have perfected his Wolverine look. Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish will notice this improvement and will, without Tazer's knowing, enter him in a superhero look-alike competition, which he will win. Montreal and Chicago will battle it out for the Stanley Cup for seven long games, by the end of which no one in Canada will have any clean underpants left to wear. Much to the Habs' chagrin, game 7 will go to the Hawks, and Johnny will become the second youngest captain to ever hoist Lord Stanley. He will then be interviewed on the ice, during which he will say his youthful team did a "fucking great job", reminiscent of the time he won the world juniors. Montreal, crestfallen, will have a go at Stanley the next post-season, but will come up short, with Pittsburgh winning their second cup in three years. The Canadiens year will come next, though, with their captain Brian Gionta leading them to victory, giving them their first taste of playoff gold since 1993, adding a 25th cup to their collection. This will be their first and only cup of the decade, making a 14 year dent in their record until they win it again.

By this time, Sidney Crosby will have retired, and will have long admitted to his homosexuality. He will live a long and plentiful life, happily married to a skinny man named Ryan with two cats and a beach house in Miami.

A Staal Update

Greetings from South Carolina.

I got to watch all three Staal brothers play in one day yesterday. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It was a life changing experience.

Jordan Staal is really hot. I've been noticing this especially lately. It's just the way that his hair is so smooth and wavy, and how his skin seems to stay just the right shade of tan even when he's on the ice. Alex Ponikarovsy's skin does this too. He is also very attractive. He is a wonderful new addition to our Pens. It's amazing that they managed to get him.

Eric Staal is getting too good. It's not right. He is speeding away from his brothers at an extraordinary rate. Its not that I don't want him to be good, really, I do, but it's all just happening too fast. Something happened this year that changed him.

Marc Staal is rapidly falling far behind. He was never truly as skilled as his offensive brothers, but at least he had some defending power. Now, he doesn't really do much. He doesn't connect passes too well, or catch them for that matter. He doesn't score, and he doesn't save goals. He hits people, but not as well as he used to. I blame his girlfriend. Did you know she's a supermodel? I think her name is Kat or something. She's foreign. Foreign and blond.

I miss Jared. He used to be good and full of potential. Now, he's fallen off the map. He no longer lives on the face of this Earth. He lives in...(GASP!) the AHL. Duh Duh DUH. I liked it better when he played on the same team the Marc used to. I feel bad for that team, kind of, though. They got the worst two of the four Staal bros. Unlucky sons of bitches.

Pitt won against Boston and Zdeno, Carolina won against Atlanta and Mr. Armstrong, and the Rangers lost to Buffalo and Tyler Myers. Pauvre, pauvre Marc.

The Sens Lost. Again.

The Sens lost again. Ahh, geez. At least it went into shootouts this time. That was cool. You know, I expected Kovalev to score. He has the nicest hands, he should be about to deek around any goalie no problem. But instead, tonight, he chose to shoot at the net from about ten feet away and go wide. Nice thinking, Alexei. KIDDING. I love you. You are a true Habitant. You will return there someday and finish your career there. I know you will. You said so yourself. Haha, you know what would be funny? If the Habs never got him back, and he kept playing until he was like 60, and they'd all be like, "Hey, AK27, why havent you retired yet?" And he'll be all like, "I shall only retire once I have fulfilled my destiny of ending my career with Montreal. Yes, that's right, my destiny. I made it for myself. What are you talking about, of course you can do that. Stupid non-believers. " Yeah, that's what he'll say. And then he'll die playing for some shit team like the Kings who will only take him because they can't afford to get anyone else.

Anyway, I tend to get distracted easily. I was talking about the shootout. Alfie shot second. He did almost the exact same thing as Kovalev did, cept his didn't go wide. He went off the pad. His shot was pretty dang awful, too. It was a wrister, and yet it did not fly. Wierd, eh? At least Kovalev's was off the ice a tad.

Spezza shot third. Yay! That's as peppy as I can be for the moment, after seeing what a crap shot he did. It wasn't even a shot, he just stickhandled and stickhandled and stickhandled in front of the net slowly inching forward, and then gave it to the goalie. He was like, "Here buddy, have a puck. Oh no, you stay put, I'll just give it to you. Here, right up on your pad, there you go. Good job, man. Good game tonight."

I can't believe Boston caught up. It was 3-1 for Christ's sake! Sorry to any um...religious people out there who I may have offended with that. I'm an Athiast, just letting you know. I think God is bullshit, along with evolution. Stupid scientists whoever thought up that load of crap. Okay, if I hadn't offended any one already, that probably shoulda done it. Please keep reading my blog. I'll be nicer, I promise.

Uhm, I'd just like to have a short bragging session right now, if that's okay. Actually no, it's more like complaining. See, my hockey team, we sell wreaths and leaf bags and shit like that and we go door to door asking for contributions to our hockey assciation. Yeah, I know, but how else are we supposed to lose every single game all season wearing welfare jerseys? That take time. Anyway, this girl on my team, Laura, she lives in the same neighbourhood as Jay Spezz. I know. I remind her how jealous I am of her every day. Apparently she sees Jenny Snell walking around her street all the time. Apparently she's really short. I believe that. She's also apparently really pretty. I do not believe that. Anyways, Laura's gone to his house a couple times, you know, fundraisers and such, trickertreating, ect. But Smelly Snelly always answers the door. You know, to let JayJay avoid the paparatzi and all. But today, Laura goes up to the door and knocks, expecting to find nothing more than that blond slut showing up in her face, when guess who opens the door? Yeah, I know. Spezz did. He opens it and he'll like, "Yes?" And then Laura's voice goes all high and squeaky and she'll like, "Hi, we're from the Ottawa Girls Hockey Association and we were wondering if you'd like to make a donation-" and before she can even finish, Spezz is like, "Ottawa? Yay! One sec," and he dissapears into that multi-million dollar house of his. Yeah, I'm not even lying right now, he did say yay. Totally hot. Yeah, and while he's gone, my friend Hannan turn to Laura and says "Oh my fucking God!" right before he shows up around the corner. They don't know if he heard. Anyway, he comes back with a ten dollar bill, and gives it to them. A ten dollar bill! You know how much money he makes in a year? He makes millions a season, and all he can think to give poor cute like 14 year old hockey players in ten measly dollars? If I had been there, I would have given him a look. A look he woulda remembered for a while, let me tell you. Anyway, he gives them the money and then they're all just standing there, and he's looking down at them expectantly. It last for about ten seconds before my other friend Aisha finally asks for an autograph. The moment the words leave her lips, he's got a pen in hand and at the ready. Apparently he keeps a pen behind the door at all times, in case of immergency autograph signings. I think that's pretty smart, you know, thinking ahead. I like that in a man. It also shows arrogance, like he expects that everyone who shows up at his door is gonna ask for an autograph. Which they are, but it's cocky to assume so. Anyway, Spezz tries to signing her team jersey, but the pen doesn't work! So he'll all like, "Oh, sorry, I'll just go get another one," and he spends twenty minutes running around the house looking for a fucking pen. And they're just standing there in the doorway, looking at each other with smiles that say, "I am mildly content and mildly amused right now." Yeah, you know that look. Anyway, after 20 minutes he comes back all out of breath with a pen and signs around, and then they say thank you and he closes the door and and they leave. And then they come to hockey practice and tell me all about it. Because they know I love him. And they felt like flaunting it around in my face. Because they're mean. Aisha even wore the jersay that he signed during the whole practice. I got mad, but then she told me that he was wearing a tight, white, short-sleeved shirt and that his arms looked really really great, so I forgot about my anger and spent the rest of the day dreaming about that. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic.