Friday, October 1, 2010

Things Are Finally Looking Up

This is gonna be a good year. I can feel it. It didn't start out too well, but its gonna work out. Hell, its getting better already. Why? The Oilers=undefeated in the pre-season. The reason?



The one on the right is Magnus Paajarvi-Svensen. Remember I told you about him? He's awesome. I like how I discovered him all on my own, just like I discovered Kevin Bieksa. I wonder where he is right now. I still haven't seen Jordan Eberle play with Taylor Hall yet!! But I know what'll make it better. Because look what I found.


Why yes, those are pictures of Taylor Hall and Tyler Seguin at the Draft training assessment thing. Why don't we dive deeper, hmm?







Hockey players' arms aren't supposed to look like that. Those are like, body builders' arms. They don't really match. This is why we're Team Taylor here at Loonie Engraved. And I don't mean Team Werewolf. I mean Team Freakin Hall.

Let's see them all together again.

Aha. Look at Jordan. You know Paajarvi (I don't feel comfortable calling him Magnus, we aren't on a first-name basis yet) just told a joke, and Hallsy's laughing his ass off, and Ebz is just like "Hahaha...I don't get it."


Ahh. Canada hasn't won the cup in a while. This is our time. It's a Canada year.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Finally A Right For Bettman

Gary Bettman finally got something right. He vouched for women's hockey to stay in the Olympics the other day, which was somewhat surprising considering it doesn't do him any personal favors. I think he probably has a bet on those canadian women to win it all next Olympics. Get it, he bets, Gary Bettman? Eh? I just came up with that now.

On another note, the Habs finally gave Brian Gionta the 'C', which was a fantastic descision on their part. I just hope he doesn't crumble under the expectations of being the first captain of the Canadiens since Saku Koivu's reign. That's a pretty powerful and courageous shadow to fall under. Hopefully Brian won't feel the need to battle through cancer in order to gain the fans' respect.



I'm sorry, that wasn't funny.


Overall, a day of mildly good descisons has just come to a close. The Senators have held on to Zack Smith, which is awesome because he looks freakin' amazing.

Ooh, boy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Another Movie Star In The Making

If you haven't seen this vid yet I'd suggest it.
Yes, that is Mike Fisher. Well done.

Mama's Song -Carrie Underwood

Don't you love how the chorus is "He's good, so good"? Wonder what she's referring to, eh? Well done, Fish. Keep that girl satisfied.

Read this, it is fucking hilarious and so untrue and so unwritten by me.

Carrie Underwood Not Pregnant Yet

Sources close to Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher, wed last month in a lavish ceremony at a Georgia resort, report that the couple have not yet conceived a child, but left open the possibility that they may do so at some point in the future.

“The child, when and if it arrives, could be either male or female, and will likely have blond, brown, black, or red hair. If healthy, it should weigh between 6 and 10 pounds and measure about 20 inches long,” said one of our sources. “We don’t yet know if the boy or girl will have any singing aspirations, but expect Carrie and Mike to be totally supportive either way.”

No word on possible names so far, but we like Clark for a boy and Mary for a girl. We’d also settle for a unisex option like Tracy.

On internet message boards, Underwood’s lack of pregnancy – despite having been happily married for well over five weeks – has some fans debating her fertility relative to fellow pop-country singer Taylor Swift. “taylor writes her own songs and shes SO MUCH MORE FERTILE than Carrie,” offered one anonymous fan. “As soon as TAYLOR is married, shell be popping out kids like nobodys business!!! Carries insides are like a barren dessert!!!”

More on this story as it develops.

The Green marks my favorite part. Roflcopter.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Exhibition

You know how sometimes you get like a rush of firsts in a really condensed period of time? Like your first drink, and then your first passing out, and then the next morning you get your first hangover and you learn about your first criminal offense the night before. I had that. Not the alcohol thing. It's more of a hockey-related thing, obvi.

Over the past 24 hours, I've experienced two firsts. Numero uno, Taylor Hall's first game in an NHL uniform as witnessed by me. Included in that was Taylor Hall's first goal in an NHL uniform as witnessed by me. Also included in that is my discovery of Magnus Paajarvi (Pajaarvi?). The final point of that extensive list of Taylor Hall related firsts is feeling the disappointment of not witnessing my first ever T-Hall/J-Ebz matchup in an NHL uniform. This happens to be the first time I have felt this particular tinge of disappointment.

The second first that I discovered earlier this evening is that seeing Sergei Gonchar in an Ottawa Senators jersey MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND and Other Such Characters

You wanna know something that sucks?
The appropriate response for such a question would be something along the lines of, "Boy, do I ever!" You can chose whether or not to use heavy sarcasm in that particular statement.

Jordan Staal had surgery on his right foot during the summertime, and the stupid surgeon man botched the procedure and gave him an infection. Which means he'll be out for the next five to six weeks, missing the whole training camp and the beginning of the season. I know, I told you it was sucky. What kind of a surgeon is this, giving him an infection in his foot? How gross is that? No, don't picture it. You'll be seeing your lunch on the floor next.

But serious, a 6-4, 220 pound millionaire should sure as hell be able to intimidate his way into getting a damn good surgeon, and not one thats gonna leave a towel in his abdomen or anything.

That legit happened, eh? It was in Grey's Anatomy. The new season, beteedubs, is premiering (premier-ing?) on Thursday. And. Speaking of premiers. Guess what's coming out to theatres everywhere in 59 days? No no, guess.

HARRY POTTER, MATE!! Whoooooooooooweee! Get excited people, this is a two piece motion picture event! For the love of God, someone needs to get writing on a bigger and better series than JK Rowling, she's richer than the QUEEN OF ENGLAND for crying out loud.

And yes, I did just put the QUEEN OF ENGLAND in caps lock. Important people deserve such treatment.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Thinking of You, Katy Perry

Whallahee Hoooooo!

Happy happy happy birthday Jordan, you are the greatest, we love you, you're 22, you're so old, you need to heal from the complications from your surgery so you can come out to the pre-season training camp and wow da whole world so you can step up to the plate for next season. Whoot, happy birthday, kick ass, make me smile, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night, lala la, whatever the fuck Mr. Uncle Kracker means by that song that always fucking gets stuck in your head all day long. Who the hell is Eric Hudgenson anyway. Did you know that Pat Monahan is the lead singer of Train? I didn't know that. His one attempt at a solo did pretty well for himself. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee...I miss the NHL. I go crazy during the summer. I hate the summer. The summer should exist during the winter so we can go crazy out on the ODR. You can't play outdoor hockey in the summertime, folks. Puck drops in so days, in the mean time we can oggle.
Hmm, eh? You can always admire a man with a fish. God.
Dance like a fool, forget down to breathe...
You make me smile.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Greatest Countdown in the History of the Earth

Countdown to Jordan Staal's birthday: 5 days.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Say All I Need

I figured, after I thought about it for a while, that the reason I have writer's block is because, when you cut away all the other stuff, there isn't an inspiration. I mean, it's hard to write about love when you're driving your car on the other side of the road. Not British, I'm just saying. Mac, get your head out of your ass and speak up, because I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.

Monday, August 30, 2010

38 Days

38 days til the puck drops on the NHL season, people.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Here's To Michael

Michael Jackson would celebrate his 52nd birthday today. I can't believe it's been over a year since his death, it feels like a million years ago and yet at the same time it feels like it happened just yesterday. This one's for MJ, King of Pop.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sign Rosie, Goddamnit

GASP! The Pens still haven't re-signed Ruslan Fedetenko! Hurry up, or you're gonna lose him! Come on, let's go, move it and sign that friggin' contract!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tah Take Mah Mind Off Ah Yo

NO! No, no, no! This was not the way this was meant to go! What the fuck is wrong with everybody? The Pittsburgh Penguins have told Bill Guerin that they aren't going to re-sign him. What the hell? It's Billy! JESUS CHRIST!

Here are some vids to keep you company in this sad, sad time.

Team Kane vs. Team Toews

Blackhawks Cry at Movies

(Soupy has no soul)

Best/Worst Hawks Chef

The pics are roflcoptericious.

Sharp Shooter or Sharp Dressed Man

Some of my fav lines:

"I don't know what he's pointing at."
-Adam Burish

"He combed his hair with a porc chop."
-Troy Brouwer

"I like the gun."
-Brent Seabrook, ahem that is what she said.

"..."
-Andrew Ladd

And finally, "They both look good. Let the fans decide."
-Way ta step up, Tazer mah man.

Vinny Lecavalier and Marty St-Louis

My eyes were watering, I was laughing so hard for this one.

P Kane's Room

He is so fucking arrogant in that video, Lord. And everytime I hear him say "I need some privacy", I always think to myself, I hope you aren't gonna do what it sounds like you're gonna do. I'm sorry, that's just what pops up.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

GTFO Gary

So apparently after the Vancouver 2010 Olympics Games, the NHL is debating whether or not to continue allowing professional hockey players to participate in the games. In other words, they don't want to let their precious NHL stars play for their country in the Olympics.

Those on the pro side of it are the majority of NHL players, Hockey Canada, the International Ice Hockey Federation and just about every fan in the game.

The cons include, most obviously, Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner, along with many NHL club owners and GMs who don't quite see the value of suspending a season and risking injury and fatigue to their key players without making a little money off of it. Their mantra, and I quote:
"What's in it for us?"

I, for one, have mixed emotions about this whole ordeal. I agree that its aggravating that we have to pause the NHL season for two weeks, but I also think the Olympics should comprise of the best athletes in the world, and when it comes to hockey players, the majority tend to be found in the NHL. The downside of this is that the players on the Olympic hockey teams don't get any time to train together, as the teams are finalised right before the games actually begin. This results in uncoordination and slopiness, and basically some pretty crappy hockey.

I figure, since my vote is to have the best hockey possible on Olympic ice, that the teams would actually be better if they weren't comprised of NHL players because the amateurs would be practicing together for months before the games and will actually have formed a decent "team". With the NHL involved, all we see is basically a bunch of superstars skating around on the ice together.

It's a tough call to make, especially after these past Olympics in Vancouver, with almost a dramatic Hollywood storyline. I personally would like to live to see another Miracle on Ice, but with NHL players, this seems improbable. And especially with the next Winter Olympic games coming up in Russia, the players would have a huge time-zone to travel, not to mention that the host country is more or less at war with the NHL.

This whole issue is going to be under debate at the hockey summit coming up, so hold your breath. This might've been Crosby's last Olympic Games, who knows.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Wait...WHAT?!

Today, I was leasurely browsing through some Hawks blogs when I came across some...rather frightening news. Uh, here it is.
Patrick Sharp got married.
Yeah. Now, here's the reaction I'm sure you've been waiting for. Ahem.

Um, WTF?! WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GET MARRIED???!!!! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP! I MEAN, I KNEW HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP (her name is Abby Banever, she's a blonde, obvi, I mean it's Patty) BUT STILL, IT'S SHARPIE! HE'S A PLAYER, HE DOESN'T GET MARRIED!! THEY CALL HIM THE UTERUS KILLER!! OH DEAR LORD HE'S MARRIED. PATRICK SHARP IS MARRIED, PATRICK SHARP IS OFF THE MARKET. Dear God, this is tragic, this is just horrible. I can't even believe this.
Right, okay, now that we've covered that, some other marriage news that might come as a bit of a shocker, but for a bit of a different reason.
Marian Hossa, yeah, remember him? He got married too. ROFLCOPTER. I know, right?! Laughing out loud right now. Who the fuck would marry him? His name is Marian. And on top of that, he like, loses Stanley Cups. Well, I guess not anymore. But God. Who in their right mind would marry Marian Hossa, seriously. This woman's got issues.
At least she's got legit un-blonde hair though. Not that I have a problem with blondes. I mean, they do have more fun. But I thoroughly enjoy it when hockey players take the high-road and actually do something different than the stereotype for once. I hate stereotypes. Can't work 'em.
Hossa you're a dork. We all mourn for Patty Sharp.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

NAHA...Night Hawks?

I've been away at hockey in Vermont which=me unfortunately missing the most important month in the hockey off-season. Let me recap to you what has happened in August.


Sidney Crosby turns 23. This is fucking huge. This is fucking huge every single year.
And he just keeps getting hotter.

Ken Dryden and Brett Hull both age, as well as Bobby Clarke. Marty Turco, one of the newest members of our Chicago Blackhawks, also gets older. Today is Shea Weber's birthday, which to be honest, I don't really care about.

Soon to come, Carey Price turns 23 despite his unfortunate lack of success. On the 17th, someone named Pete Peeters will turn one year older. I totally respect whichever parent came up with that name. The Last Song also comes out on DVD on this day. On the 23rd, Mike Green and Jarkko Ruutu have birthdays and on the 29th Antti Niemi celebrates his first brithday as a homeless man. So sad, Chicago fucked you up. And finally, the last day of this wonderful month is especially special, so said because it holds the births of Jean Beliveau, Ryan Kesler, Scott Niedermayer and a guy named Blake Wheeler which is certainly quite an unfourtunate last name.

On NHL news, John Madden has been transfered to Minnesota. I don't even give a shit anymore. Patrick Kane had his day with the cup, and he did some shit in Buffalo and then at the Niagra Falls that made the papers, what else is new...ah! The Hawks re-signed Jordan Hendry. Who is the fuck is Jordan Hendry? Who knows. But apparently he was a free agent. And apparently they figured he was the priority the sign as oppose to oh, I dunno, maybe Big Buff. Or Even Niemi? Who knows. Who FUCKING KNOWS.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Another One Bites The Dust

I think it's funny how ridiculous this is getting. Adding two goalies to the list. Niemi, Huet both gone. Chicago had the opportunity to sign Antti Niemi, but they passed. And then they sent Huet to the minors. And then they fucking signed Marti Turco. He sucks. The Hawks have officially passed on to insanity. I miss when they had a good team.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Puking My Guts Out Right Now

Watch this video. Watch this whole fucking video. This has nothing to do with hockey. This is Dane Cook. Watch it. Watch the entire thing, because the end is actually the best part. The last line will actually make you puke your guts out. But you need to watch to whole thing to understand the end. And the end is fucking hilarious. Right now, just in this moment, Dane Cook makes my life.

Atheist Sneeze

Friday, July 30, 2010

Give It A Rest Already

They're debating moving Niemi.
THEY'RE DEBATING MOVING NIEMI!!

Chicago, what is wrong with you?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Thrills

Watch this video and tell me it doesn't make you fucking antsy bout the Winter Classic.

Pens/Caps Thriller

Well done, NHL. This is one good move. Pittsburgh vs. Washington for the Winter Classic is pure genius. Too bad Sergei isn't going to be there to enjoy it. Let's read up on what Maxy thinks about this whole thing, hmm?

I've got this thing on audio and in writing, so y'all can have the full experience because let me tell you, this thing is epic. This, right here, is why we love Maxime Talbot. This is why.

While the NHL season does not get underway for another two months, one of the hottest rivalries has already begun to heat up.

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Max Talbot began a war of words with Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin on Tuesday while Talbot was promoting the upcoming 2011 NHL Winter Classic between the Pens and Caps at Heinz Field on New Year's Day.

While doing a promotional interview on Pittsburgh Radio Station 105.9 The X, Talbot said that Ovechkin was a "real douche" and continued to stir the pot with more statements of how much he dislikes the two-time Hart Trophy winner.

"I just hate the guy," Talbot told The X on Tuesday. "I can't lie. Sorry. Even more so for a guy like Ovechkin. Like, seriously, okay...yeah. I don't like him."

As the radio hosts continued to egg him, Talbot admitted that he immediately disliked Ovechkin the first time he met him.

"The first time I met him, actually, when I met him off the ice," Talbot told The X. "You hear a lot of stories about a guy, but sometimes they're not true. You hear of guys who are not good guys, and you're like, 'Yeah, okay, I'll give the guy a shot.' The first time I met him, let's say he didn't give the best impression to me, so better reason to hate him even more."

Talbot also stated that he continued his hatred for the Russian sniper during a subsequent encounter.

"I was actually at the NHL Awards last summer with (Evgeni) Malkin, and we brought the Stanley Cup over there after the season," Talbot told The X. "Malkin knew Ovechkin, and introduced me to him, and the first impression wasn't great. I'm not really gonna say what happened, but I'm like, 'Ok, this guy is a real douche.' "


While Ovechkin has yet to respond, this is just the latest chapter in the immensely entertaining rivalry between two of the best teams in the NHL's Eastern Conference.


You make my life, Superstar.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Bourne

I have an announcement.
I LOVE.
Matt Damon.
I mean, don't you?
He is just so cute!
And he is always smiling!
See? *swooning*
And doesn't he have the whitest teeth?
God. And it's not just that. He's fucking hot, too.
He's got that sexy little smoldering look going on...
Yummm. And then he goes and he takes his shirt off!
I mean, he's not giving any of the other guys a chance, here.
Matt Damon has everything. Have you seen how blue his eyes are?
He can rock the shades, too.
Lordy.
You know, I thought he looked pretty good in Saving Private Ryan.
But then they go ahead and they put him in Invictus!
They make him a rugby player, for crying out loud!
They make him gain about 50 pounds in muscle, and then they take his shirt off! What are they trying to do to us?!
Oh, look, there's that smolder again.
And there's the smile.
Dear Lord, marry me.
Don't get me wrong. I know he's already got a wife.
And kids.
But Godddddddddd.
*whimper*

Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Beautiful Disaster, Put Quite Simply

I feel like I haven't talked about Kris Letang for a very long time. Our relationship went through a bit of a bad patch when they were playing the Habs for the rights to Lord Stanley's name, but things are all okay now. The problem is, he hasn't been doing anything interesting. He isn't in any relationships (that we know of), he isn't making any statements of trade to the media, he isn't beating up any civilians for small amounts of money, he isn't singing remixed rap songs in front of the entire city of Chicago, he isn't taking his clothes of in limos while intoxicated, he isn't scoring any last-second goals or saving his country from a fall of tremendous proportions, and his hair is not growing back quick enough.

Kris Letang, for all our sakes, do something worth talking about.

Catching Up On Some Birthdays

No one important was born today. Yesterday was a different story. Jack O'Callahan. If that name doesn't make you go 'Oh', then you should definitely consider re-watching Miracle a couple hundred times. You will not get bored of it. It was a great moment in history fabricated into a Motion Picture Production. I'm going to attempt watching Saving Private Ryan tonight. Wish me luck.

NO ONE GOOD WAS BORN IN JULY!
Cept, for Jonathan Cheechoo. Haha, remember him? That's one story to tell the grandkids about, eh? What a crappy birthday he must've had. I really don't understand what happened to him. He used to be so good! He once scored the most goals in the league, a few years ago. I don't get it. How do you go from being so good to being so completely suckish? I just doesn't make sense to me.
Things get better though. Trust me. Because guess who's birthday is on the 31st? Seriously, take a guess. It's Evgeni! Whoooooollaaaallaa!!!! He's growing up so fast. I really wanted to put up a super cool Geno montage for you guys, but I found some pictures. They may be from last season, but I just have to put 'em up. Because they're fucking killing me.

Ugh. But this isn't the worst of it.
And it gets worse.

Yep. There it is. You know, he doesn't really seem to be enjoying that, Russian hoe. There are people watching you! Can't you see the cameras? They're pointed at you! I'll bet she can. I'll bet she saved this immaculate display of afflection for the moment the paparatzi got there.
God. Happy birthday, Geno. Have a beer and a party hat on us, but you're paying for the porn star yourself.
Just wait until August. August is going to be GREAT.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

LMFAO

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLTEEHHEEHELMFAO

Kovalchuk had finally settled down.

HAHAHAHAHAHATEHEHEHEEEEROFLROFLROOOFLROOFFFLLLL

Ohmygoodness. This is the best thing that's happened all summer. Everytime I think about it I just burst into uncontrolled fits of laughter. Remember how Ilya Kovalchuk finally picked a team and signed a deal? Remember how the deal was for 102 million over 17 years? Haha. Well, Ilya's all happy and settled, and the Devils all breathed in a huge sigh of relief. Thank God, we got him. This long wait of tremendous suspense has finally come to an end.

And then the NHL pops in and says, "No, you can't do that."

BAJHAHHAHAHHAROFLROFLFRRLOOOOORLFFFORLFOAHBAHAHAHA

DEAR LORD. Apparently, the deal was in violation of some act or crap. They were like, you can't make a deal like that. And New Jersey was all, I checked the fucking act, and we aren't in violation of it. And then the NHL was like, dude. I make the rules here. I do not agree to this. Kovalchuk, you are now once again a free fucking agent.

And you know what Kovalchuk's agent issued out onto the site today as his opinions on the matter?

"No comment."

BAHAHAHKTEEEEALKFROALFORALALRRORLAALLAHAHFAHAHAHR

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Kovalchuk Finally Makes a Move, Gagne to Bolts

There are two new changes to report. I'm going to use bullets.

  • Ilya Kolvalchuk has finally made a deal. After about the longest wait of all time, special little Ilya has finally cracked a roster. They called it, "A Deal With The Devil". He's going back to New Jersey, the move everyone suspected he would make, but what we didn't expect was the monster deal he would conduct. 102 million over 17 years. Holy fuck. Those are big numbers. He's going to get paid until he's 44 years old. Can you say Chris Chelios?

  • Philedelphia star Simon Gagne got traded away to Tampa. Whoo! I'm cheering because I'm hoping this will mark the beginning of the decay of the Flyers franchise. Simon sounded super duper excited to be a part of the Lightning, saying he was anticipating playing with the likes of Vincent Lecavalier, Steven Stamkos and Martin St-Louis. It's funny because Vinny didn't even play on that top line last season, and I didn't hear Ryan Malone's name being mentioned anywhere in there. No problem. Stammers' rep with help old Bugsy out. I wonder if they still call him Bugsy over there in the sunny place. They better. God, I miss when we had two Ryans on our team. We would call them "The two Ryans". *sigh*

Also, Jason Spezza's still in Ottawa, just in case anyone's still interested.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Toews Shows Why He's The Pride of Winnipeg

From NHL.com:

WINNIPEG -- Jonathan Toews looked beat, just physically and mentally exhausted. His right hand and his cheekbones had to be hurting from the thousands of autographs he signed and hundreds of pictures he posed for.

But there was no way Chicago's captain was stopping now, not with the time remaining on his dream come true bleeding down toward the end.

"You never know what can happen," Toews told NHL.com, "so I'll enjoy this while it lasts."

It was just before 3 on Monday afternoon. Minutes earlier, Toews finished up an emotional stop on his Stanley Cup tour in his hometown of Winnipeg at the Children's Rehabilitation Foundation, where kids of all ages lined up in the courtyard with their parents to grab an autograph and take a picture.

Toews greeted every one of them by asking them their name and talking about something personal. Some couldn't speak, but he knew he was doing the right thing by reading the expressions on their faces, the happiness in their glowing, cheek-to-cheek smiles.

"It's easy to tell how happy and excited they are," he said. "It's pretty awesome to see their reaction."

Likewise, Toews didn't have to say anything to express how happy and excited he was during his 48 hours with the Stanley Cup and Conn Smythe Trophy, trophies he earned by captaining the Chicago Blackhawks to their first Stanley Cup in 49 years just last month.

Winnipeg wrapped its collective arms around Toews for all of Sunday and Monday, and the playoff MVP drained every ounce of energy and emotion he had into giving back to the community that has given him so much.

"I owe it to these people. They are so happy and are great people and they appreciate the small things in life," Toews said before hopping in his parent's SUV, the one he purchased for them, to go visit a local children's hospital. "To see the excitement on their faces when they get to see the Stanley Cup and to get to share a small moment with you, it's a tiny thing that goes a long way.

"You think about what this day could be like and what you want to do with the Cup, and now it's actually happening. I couldn't picture it going any better than it has."

Manitoba Premier Greg Selinger called Toews "a local hero who is now a national hero." Mayor Sam Katz referred to him as "Winnipeg's favorite son."

Hundreds of people showed up at an event at City Hall and thousands more lined the streets of south St. Vital, Toews' old neighborhood, to honor him with a parade.

Premier Selinger named a lake after him and Mayor Katz announced that the Dakota Community Centre, where Toews grew up playing the game, would now be called the Jonathan Toews Community Centre. Toews also received a gold medallion for his Olympic achievement and a key to the city for his efforts.

Toews owns a condo near the University of Winnipeg, but for nine months out of the year he only hears about the support he gets in this city because he is living in Chicago, feeling the admiration from those passionate Hawks' fans.

Experiencing the love of Winnipeg firsthand over these last two days was overwhelming.

"When you're trying to win the Stanley Cup you dream about what it would be like to bring it back home to share with family and friends, and what it would mean to them," Toews said. "But you have to fight off that thought and that feeling when you're in the moment, because the more you think about it the more pressure you put on yourself. This is it. It's special and it's that moment I have been dreaming about. It's really cool."

Toews was followed like a rock star. He needed a police escort back to his car after the parade Sunday because fans were chasing after him, screaming his name. During the parade they were converging on the yellow Corvette that carried Toews, the Cup and the Conn Smythe Trophy like vultures looking for a handshake, a high-five, a wave, anything.

They cheered for him, and chanted his name. Girls would run up to the car and run away screaming to their friends, "I just got a high-five!" Men would run up to the car and run away screaming to their friends, "I just touched the Cup!"

But, as great as it was for Toews to see firsthand the love his city has for him, what made the two days special was the respect he received.

Everybody NHL.com spoke to expressed admiration for Toews' down home personality, family values and devotion to his own community. He is Winnipeg's biggest sports hero now, but never once has he thought of himself as being any better than any of the 650,000 who live here.

"He puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else here," Premier Selinger said. "He can just be a normal guy like everybody else. I think everybody really appreciates that style. He has a long career ahead of him and keeping his skates on the ice, his feet on the ground will really help him in the future."

The one difference between Toews and everyone else is obvious:

He is Winnipeg's biggest superstar.

"What's it like to have a city love you like they do here?" Mayor Katz whispered into his ear.

Captain Serious struggled to answer that one question throughout the two-day adventure. He crashed Monday night in a state of shock over how he was received.

"Really there is not enough time to give as many thank yous as you want," Toews said. "You try to give a little bit of time and a little bit of piece of mind to everybody that shows up, try to express your thanks to them for what they did for you. They're all so pumped and so happy for you, and you can't even ask for that. It's just absolutely amazing."

The community was genuinely thrilled that Toews allowed them to be a part of his celebration.

"This is amazing," said Luke Trimble, 28, who showed up at the Legislature Building wearing a Toews' jersey and a Blackhawks hat -- both got autographed. "He's the biggest thing to come out of Winnipeg, the best hockey player. He's the voice for our generation. Just a good, clean-cut kid."

Ryan Dech, a fan at City Hall, concurred.

"In my opinion, from what I've seen, it's been absolutely electric," said Dech, who attended the celebration Sunday with his brothers, Travis and Kyle. "I know I was, and all my buddies were, looking forward to this day when we got to see him with the Cup."

"It's just exhilarating having everybody come together to see this," Kyle Dech added. "It's amazing. It's just electric. Everything is so cool."

They chanted his name at City Hall and even louder during his parade. Hundreds of people held up signs, including Darren Brown, whose read, "Tazer, will you marry my wife?"

"It's common law," Brown told NHL.com along the parade route. "So, it'd be OK."

Marilyn Klassen-Magnusson was almost in tears as she snapped photos of her son, Cole, swooping Toews' gold medal over his neck. Cole, 11, has mild cerebral palsy.

"Fantastic," Marilyn told NHL.com. "I think I'm more excited. It was thrilling to see Cole have a gold medal around his neck. It makes me well up. It just shows you what a kind, caring person he is. Winnipeg is very proud of him."

Several of Toews' former coaches celebrated with him, and all were swelling with pride, eager to tell a story.

"I scrimmaged with him in his own backyard," Jacques Levesque, the general manager of the Jonathan Toews Community Centre, told NHL.com. "There's a lot of pride here.

"You know what is really funny is that when you're used to watching guys like Gretzky and going back to Bobby Orr, you always put those guys on a pedestal. Now you have Jonathan that deserves to be on that pedestal, but he's just the hometown boy and he hasn't changed."

Levesque recalled the time when his daughter, Katrine, and Toews used to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

"The guy came to my place at 11 years old and we had an adult conversation. Not too many kids that age can hold a conversation back and forth, but he was grown up, a mature kid, focused," Levesque said. "Another time I was at their house and I was laughing with his parents and it was 8:30 on a Thursday night. He came down and he says, 'You guys have to keep it down, I'm trying to sleep.' I'm going, 'Holy smokes, I'm going home at 10 and I have to beat my kids to get them to go to bed, and this guy is telling his parents to stay quiet.' He's phenomenal. He's always been focused. Whatever he has done, he has accomplished and done it well."

Several family friends credited Toews' parents, Bryan and Andree Gilbert, for his character.

"Bryan and Andree have always preached that type of philosophy where you always remember the people you grew up with," said Bob Saelens, one of Toews' former coaches. "His brother David is the same way. They are so friendly and such kind people. You almost wish everybody would have parents that are as good people as they are, very supportive and caring of everyone."

Andree was obviously emotional after Mayor Katz announced the community center would be named in Toews' honor.

"When Jonathan started at 5 years old there was no community center, so they all played in the back. There were four outdoor rinks, and the parents all lined up by the snow banks and we watched our kids freezing out there," she told NHL.com. "Little by little we did fundraising, a lot of people in the community, to build this rink. Now it's named after my son. I had tears in my eyes. I was amazed. Usually you have to be great and die and then they name it after you."

Bryan, who got the honor of carrying both the Cup and Conn Smythe at various moments during the two days, loved hearing Mayor Katz call Toews, "Winnipeg's favorite son."

"That's so cool," Bryan told NHL.com. "Chicago is great and we love it there, but to hear it in your own city, that support, it just means that little bit more. It's unbelievable. To actually fulfill that dream and come here with the Cup, it brought tears to my eyes."

And smiles to thousands of Winnipeggers, who proudly call Jonathan Toews their own.

"If you want to talk about a true hometown hero, about a role model," Mayor Katz said before pausing … "I'll show you a picture of Jonathan Toews."

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Another Shot

Younger Versteeg

Hopefully the Hawks will hold on to this one, we've already lost one Verbeauty. And from the article, I feel as though we lost the better one, both talent-wise and in personality. Ah, well. You can only stay angry for so long. I just feel bad for people like Kaner and Toews and Sharpie who are still on that sorry team. Chicago is a lost cause, and their careers are plummeting right down with them. Hopefully the organisation will smarten before they lose the rest of their stars.

And no, I do not feel bad for Hossa. He has not earned my sympathy.

Chicago Loses Hjalmarsson to Sharks

And there goes another one.

Friday, July 9, 2010

We Goin' On A Cruise

COLBY HAD A CHILD! COLBY HAD A CHILD! COLBY FREAKING ARMSTRONG HAD A FUCKING KID!!!!

This almost makes up for everything that's gone wrong with Chicago.
...almost.

Aw, fuck. I cannot go through this again. Not again. Colby Armstrong named his kid Cruise. CRUISE! Cruise Samson Armstrong. W-O-W.

Love Colby. Looooove him. He's growing up. I can't believe this. He's getting so mature and old. He's such an oldie. Everyone's getting married and having kids. It sucks. Except when it's Army. Because he makes good descisions. Mel is good for him. But God. First Spezz gets married. And then he has a child. And then Colby has a child. And now Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood are getting married.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Yeah, the happy couple are having the wedding tomorrow. In Georgia. At some insanely expensive golf resort. It was supposed to be a secret location. But it came out in the paper this morning. LOLZ. And did you know she's changing her name to Fisher? Can you believe that? Carrie Fisher. Whattafail.

Anyway, that's it for today. Let's sum up, shall we? Colby's got a baby, named Cruise. Mel=good wife. Spezz is still suckish, and Carrie Fisher is pregnant with Mike's baby.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Shame On You, Ottawa Boo-Birds, Unhappy Spezza Doesn't Deserve You


**letter sent in to the citizen soon to come, Kristie Stewart, thank you, thank you so much**

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

Monday, July 5, 2010

I Felt We Were In Need of a Poem. This is What I Came Up With.

Dis mah stik.
Der ar menee lyke eet
but dis wun iz myne.
Mah stik iz mah bess fren.
Eet iz mah lyfe.
Ah mus mastur eet
az ah mastur mah lyfe.
Wifowt mee, mah stik iz yoozlez.
Wifowt mah stik, eye em yoozlez.
Ah mus fiyur mah stik troo.
Ah mus shyoot str8r den mad enuhmee
hoo iz tryeen ta kil mee.
Ah mus shyoot im b4 hee shyoots mee.
Ah will.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Death...and All of His Best Friends

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I'm crying. I'm crying and yelling at my parents. Because on top of everything that's already happened, I've just found out that Adam Burish no longer plays for the Chicago Blackhawks. Adam Burish now plays for Dallas. The Stars.

I cannot even begin to believe this. The Blackhawks are insane. Add the Indian Burrito the their hitlist of lost superstars. Should I put this down on paper? All the amazing players that Chicago has lost? I think I will.

1. Andrew Ladd --Atlanta Thrashers
2. Kris Versteeg --Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Dustin Byfuglien --Atlanta Thrashers
4. Ben Eager --Atlanta Thrashers
5. Brent Sopel --Atlanta Thrashers
6. Colin Fraser --Edmonton Oilers
7. Adam Burish --Dallas Stars

Seven. Seven players. Seven incredible, amazing players that made up the team and now they're gone. What, you think your top line won the Stanley Cup all by themselves? You think Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp are the only forwards eligible to stay on your team? Because if I remember correctly, Sharpie wasn't the one playing on that number 1 line when your team won the thing. There was some other guy, kind of insignificant, I think his name was Bufflen...pronounced something like that. But he obviously wasn't a very important asset because you gave him away. They all obviously weren't very important assets because you gave them all away! The only person who you didn't trade away was Adam Burish, and he most likely walked out on his own because you had gotten rid of everybody else! Is that the deal, you win the Stanley Cup and then just get rid of everyone who doesn't have an annual salary of over 5 million? You don't have anybody left! How the hell do you expect your stars to get the goddamn puck if there isn't anyone there to pass it to them? Seven players. Seven players that you'll never get back. And I'll be willing to bet that you aren't done here. There are more players on your roster just asking to get traded away. You know who Atlanta is now? Chicago. Atlanta is Chicago because you gave them your soul. You gave them your essence and you didn't even ask for anything in return. The Thrashers and the Oilers and the Maple Leafs. Those are going to be the teams to watch next season because you helped them. You brought dying teams down from the depths for nothing. Nothing! Screw you, Chicago. You deserve another 49 years without the cup.

Toronto is Taking Over the World

Okay, I'm sorry I couldn't meld this all into one post. But I found this out about three seconds after I posted it, and I am too freaked out to add. Here's what happened: Toronto found lucky dust, or something, or they currently have a fairy godmother who is granting them three wishes and they've already used their first two. Because...ohmygod. Because they just recieved -no, stole- two of the most amazing people to ever set foot on NHL ice.


Kris Versteeg. Verbeauty. The wierdest, most amiable guy you'll ever meet in your life. Who just won the Stanley Cup with the Blackhawks. Who sang a song in front of the entire city of Chicago. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


Colby Armstrong. Our Colby. Who's heart belongs in Pittsburgh. Who married and actual decent human being. Who is not blonde. Is finally getting out of Atlanta, but is going somewhere much, much worse. Is going to Toronto. To play for the MAPLE LAUGHS.


This is the worst day of my life. They cannot go to Toronto. That is the bottom of the NHL food chain. You know what's going to happen to them there? They're going to disappear. They're going to fall off the face of this Earth because the Leafs don't have enough stamina to keep running at a pace that will force them to remain on the hockey tredmill of LIFE. They're going to die, and you'll never hear about any of them ever again.


And you know what Brian Burke said once he had added all those incredible people to his shit-face of a team? He's not done. He isn't finished. He's going to continue stealing all these wonderful men until there are none left for anybody else! This is a disaster.


Army, Verbeauty, go back. Get out. Go back to where you belong. Toronto will destroy you. Get out while you still have time! Stick together. The only way the two of you will be able to survive this is if you form an unbreakable bond of friendship. Stay together at all costs. Leave no man behind. If one goes down, you take the other one with you. This is your only chance for survival. Believe, men. You can get through this.

The Colby/Kris Memorial:





Now look at this picture and tell me you don't wanna puck your guts out for love for Colby.

Club Shifting Style

Sergei Gonchar. We got him.

I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now into words, because Gonch was a Pen at heart, and I don't really know how he's going to feel about the transition. I love the Penguins, so I don't know if I'm sad that he isn't playing for my favorite team anymore or extatic that he'll be living in the same town as me for the next 3 years. I don't know how to feel. I guess I could feel angry, at Pittsburgh, because they didn't have the guts to re-sign him quickly enough. Because now LeSwoon is without a mentor, and Geno is without a shoulder to lean on. What is he going to do? Did anyone ever think about that, huh, when they decided that Sergei was too expensive to re-sign? Did anyone think about Evgeni? What's going to happen to him? How's he going to survive without his Russian padre to help him out? Sure, he's got Max now, but he's French. Geno can't speak French. And he can't learn another language now, things have been so hard on him already... I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? This is a good thing. At least we didn't make a trade. Volchenkov for Gonchar, I don't know how that would've worked out. The Pens just lost their best defenseman, and now they have no one. They need someone, soon. But for now, we can bask in the glory of our new found greatness. Didn't I tell you off-season was fun?

Friday, July 2, 2010

Off-Season

I know you're probably very upset. Hockey season's long over, playoffs are done, and for those of you who were midle entertained by FIFA, that's winding down as well. The draft's been taken care of, and much to our chagrin, there isn't much going on anymore. Well, never fear, children. Some crazy shit can happen during the off-season. Remember last summer? The Dany Douchebag Heatley fiasco, and on top of that, the Habs went trade-crazy and gave away all their stars. Keep your eyes open, folks. The insanity (!) of free agency is about to begin. And who'll be there through it all keeping you updated? Yours truly. Happy off-season!

SAY WHAT?! part 2

Here's another installment of SAY WHAT?!, a once used segment on Loonie Engraved. But just before we begin, there's something I'd like to say.

"I'm going to make a speech today. Some of you will like it, and some of you will not. But if there's one thing that I've learned over the past year, it's that all of you will applaud."
-Colin Laroche, 2010
*you should know that I didn't make the majority of these, you don't have to blame me*