Pittsburgh Penguins Beauty Pageant 2010

22.
Alex Goligoski: And here we start, from the bottom of the barrell. If he had hair, maybe he would be higher up.

21.
Ruslan Fedotenko: His eyes are too small, his face is too squished together, his cheeks are too red, his ears are too invisible, and his voice is just really creepy.

20.
Bill Guerin: I don't know. He was kind of attractive when he was younger, but now...I just don't know.

19.
Jay Mckee: It's his hair. It just doesn't appeal to me. It's like it's trying too hard to be Sex Hair. It could possibly be potential if it weren't so greasy-looking.

18.
Michael Rupp: He's a nice person. He just doesn't cut it.

17.
Craig Adams: He's normally alright. I don't think he photographs well. He might be better if he smiled. And most people would have a problem with his monkey ears, but not me. I kind of have a thing for those, since Jason Spezza has them.

16.
Pascal Dupuis: It's like he had permanent mascara. He's a very feminin looking man. I think he waxes his eyebrows.

15.
Eric Godard: He's okay. He has nice eyes, he just has to learn to use them to his advantage. He should talk to Jordan Staal, or Sid.

14.
Brooks Orpik: No, Brooks. Just no.

13.
Martin Skoula: There was just something about this guy that made me wait before immediately putting him in the twenties. You know Owen from Grey's Anatomy? He reminds me of him. Kind of an army-type guy.

12.
Matt Cooke: Ah, Cookie. You can just get lost in his eyes, can't you? It seems he spends too much time on his hair though. He needs to learn to have that look that says "I pretend to not care about my hair but I really do".

11.
Sergei Gonchar: I know, he's old. And he isn't really that good looking. But c'mon. It's Serge.

10.
Chris Kunitz: First of all, I'd just like to say that his last name is seriously the bomb. It has a K and a Z in it. That's pretty cool. But he needs to fix his hair. It looks like he was trying out the Mike Greene look, and failed miserably. Other than that, he's a pretty stand up guy. Well worthy of the top ten.

9.
Tyler Kennedy: I know what you're thinking. His eyes are too close together, his nose is too pinched up, and his eyebrows are female. I know. But he's so fucking adorable. If you get past those tiny little details, you'll see that too. You will.

8.
Mark Eaton: He is really good-looking. His hair is awesome. But his neck is a bit too long, and his face is kind of thin. But God, besides that, yum.

7.
Brent Johnson: It was the rough kind of chiseled look that made me put him in the top ten. He's got this angry, hot kinda smoldering look going on. He knows how to work a camera.

6.
Maxime Talbot: I think not putting Max in the top five is one of the hardest choises I've ever had to make. He doesn't have an obvious hotness, but his personality and confidence is what makes him the most attractive. And he looks so much better after he got his hair cut. I love him. I wish to God I could put him in the top five, but Jesus, just take a look at his competition.

5.
Marc-Andre Fleury: Ah, the top five. These are the best top five of any hockey team by far, I'll tell you. Okay, MAF. Has the hottest accent you will ever hear. His smile, his hair, his eyes...all incredible. This isn't the greatest picture of him you will ever see, but just look him up. His hair is slightly resembling Sex Hair at most moments, and have you noticed how smooth his skin is? You can just see it. Flawless. And also, a bonus: he does almost all of his interviews with his shirt off, and for the love of all things pure and holy have you seen his stomach? Washboard, baby.

4.
Sidney Crosby: This is sad. Not for me, but for all of you girls out there who think Sidney Crosby is the hottest hockey player you have ever seen in your life. He isn't really that good-looking. Yeah, he's got the hair, and the eyes, and the lips that would make Angelina Jolie jealous...aw, hell. He's gorgeous. But I found him way better looking when he was younger, because over the past few years in the NHL he's been really gaining a lot of weight. Not fat weight, of course, since this man is completely 100% muscle, but he's lost his abs. And he's only 5'11", and it's hard to find place to fit 220 pounds on a fairly short man. But we love our captain. And our captain is hot. And we know it.

3.
Evgeni Malkin: Geno, geno. If you didn't know him, and you just saw him as some random guy on the street, you wouldn't think anything of him. But you do know him. And you do think something of him. You think many things of him. Because he's Geno. There is no other reason.

2.
Kristopher Letang: And then there were two. You have no idea how long I spent debating this. Le Swoon. Sex Hair. Tangers. He is all man. He has the hair, the hair that he normally keeps hidden under his hat, but when it comes out every girl in the world gets a rush. And the eyes that are like melted chocolate, that if you spend too much time looking into them you get lost, even if you're only looking at a picture. And his smile, and his French accent, and the fact the he's so damn shy...it makes your eyes well up, doesn't it? He is the most beautiful man in the world. Even when he cut off his Sex Hair he was still beautiful. And the best part of it all is that he doesn't know it. He doesn't know how amazing he is. Which just makes him all the more incredible.

1.
Jordan Staal: I don't know what to say. He's Jordan Staal. He's just...Jordan Staal. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, he's tall and athletic, and he's got the jaw of a Greek god. He is every girl's dream. He's Jordan Staal. His eyes are a piercing blue that can cut through your soul. His hair is windswept and completely natural, and every single one of his features is chiseled and great. His stomach...not quite as good and Marc-Andre's, but amazing all the same. He has the cutest blonde eyebrows that are almost invisible. He isn't too tan, he has just the right amount of color to his skin. He has all the right things in all the right places. I don't know how to describe him. He's Jordan Staal. He's perfect.